The bartender says, “we don’t serve your type”
A heavily pregnant woman walks into a bar in the middle of summer and orders a big glass of ice water. "Boy it's a scorcher out there," she says to the bartender. "Sometimes I wonder if it is too hot for the little guy in here." "Oh I wouldn't worry about it," the bartender replies. "It's probably just womb temperature."
And then a table... And then a chair...
..and the 4th one ducks.
Bartender: "Hold on there buddy, what's in the box?"
Man: "I'll show you if you give me a free drink
The bartender agrees and the man lifts the lid of the box to show a tiny man, who starts playing an equally tiny piano.
Bartender: "That's amazing! Where did you find him?"
Man: "There's a genie outside granting free wishes. But if you go out there, be sure to speak up, because I think he is hard of hearing."
Bartender: "Why do you say that?"
Man: "Do you think I would've wished for a twelve-inch pianist?"
Disclaimer: Not original.
So he gave it to her.
and he was disqualified from the limbo contest."
They both have a great time.
A bar attender
The bear says to the bartender, “I’ll get a whiskey and a....... A beer.”
The bartender says, “Sure man, but what’s with the big pause?”
The bear would reply, “I don’t know, man. I was born with them.”
But they didn't planet.
“Is that a fret?!"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"How about something to eat?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
"What about some peanuts?"
"Nooooooooooooooooooooo!"
Frazzled, the bartender cries, "What's with the long no's!?"
The anteater replies, "I was born with it!"
The bartender asked are you ladies from Ireland? The girls smiled and said Wales. The bartender replied are you two whales from Ireland?
The bartender says for you no charge
It was a tense moment.
What can I get for you bud?”
“Pop” goes the weasel
The bartender comes to him and says 'you look different now, is anything wrong'
Pirate: 'Oh nothing'
'What about your leg, where did it go'
'I boarded a ship, slipped and it got eaten by a shark'
'What about the hook, where did the hand go'
'I lost it in a heated swordfight'
'Then how did you get the eyepatch'
'I was cleaning the deck and a bird pooped in it'
'That doesn't make any sense, how can you get an eyepatch from a bird pooping in your eye'
'It was my first day with the hook'
Her/she
Her/she!
But anyway, what can I get ya?
Policeman: Can you describe the shooter? Waiter: 6 feet, white male, grey shirt and a skirt made of parsley. P: Parsley? W: Yes. It was just a herb he wore.
He tells the bartender, “put it on my bill”
That’s the punch line.
“I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there”
So when they come back to port they can Scandinavian.
“Five beers, please”
He orders everyone around.
The horse, not being able to comprehend human language, promptly shits on the floor and leaves.
The barman says "Sorry, we don't serve noble gases here."
Helium just didn't react.
Immediately the bartender tells him to get out "We don't serve pieces of string here!"
The piece of string is a bit disappointed, but has an idea. He ruffles his top and returns to the bar.
"I told you to get out. We don't serve pieces of string here!" said the bartender
The string replies "A piece of string ?? I'm a frayed knot!"
Sherlock Holmes walks into a bar and orders an IPA. "I've earned this, I just finished my tax return," he tells the bartender. "Luckily I'm getting tons of cash back, thanks to all my brilliant deductions."
As she sat down next to him her glass eye fell to the floor next to his stoll. He picked it up and handed it back to her.
They chatted all night and hit it off pretty well and eventually started dating.
One day while lying in bed, he turns to her and asks:
"Why me? Out of all the guys that were at the bar that night, why did you choose me?"
She looked at him surprised and said:
"Well, you caught my eye."
A man dressed in rubber boots, orange overalls, yellow hard hat with a light on, blacked up face and a canary on his shoulder walks into a pub. The whole pub goes silent and everyone stares at him for a few seconds then carries on what they were doing. It was only a miner distraction.
Her/she.
You'd think one of them would see it coming
He orders a drink, and asks for the check.
Duck billed platypus.
Edit: Thanks guys.
(Jersey accent) I don't know, Alaska.
The bartender says, “I’m glad you ditched your friend. He’s mean.”
The bartender says "I'm sorry, but we don't serve your type here"
And a table, and a chair
And then a chair, and then a table
It was very tense.
So when they get back to port they can Scandinavian!
Then into a table... and then into a chair!
