I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.
I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
Red hot chili pepper weight
How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is?
Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it away a now.
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food
But I think it's a naan issue.
Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee?
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."
I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the “Guess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.
He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...
I really ought to start losing weight...
But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
What does a dead person do to lose weight?
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!
Turns out they’ve got loads of them!
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
Why don’t fish weight themselves?
They have their own scales.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?
Because they aren't stroganoff
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
What do you call a big weight loss?
Losing weight is a piece of cake
See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!
Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!
I asked my Dad “What’s the difference between weight and mass?”
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.
Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."
Where do you find the weight of a whale?
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?
They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
She probably said, "Let's weight"
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?
I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.
I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all
But when morning came I had to break fast
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.
I prefer the term “four-chin teller“.
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbbell-Door
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