I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 107
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 97
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
Red hot chili pepper weight

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it away a now.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee?

It’s called Joe Lean.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."

I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 41
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
I really ought to start losing weight...

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

πŸ‘︎ 70
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What does a dead person do to lose weight?

He goes on a DIE-et!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?

Because they aren't stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/znipershot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?

Gaseous Clay

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumblebeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

πŸ‘︎ 246
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugtrial
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad β€œWhat’s the difference between weight and mass?”

β€œWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.

Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shakes-Fear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joos_monkeyfied
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you find the weight of a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-WigglyLine-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?

He's thor

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?

Man, I'm thor.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
She probably said, "Let's weight"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crypt0sh0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.

They've decided to call it hella sore.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tutor78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?

Welter Weight

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razerdeg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost some weight last month.

But now it found me again.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditman111
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.

My father figure.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.

I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all

But when morning came I had to break fast

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, β€œCan you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, β€œYes.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Weight watchers
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroHirsch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.

I prefer the term β€œfour-chin tellerβ€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbbell-Door

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report

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