Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?

Husband: You have a perfect eyesight

πŸ‘︎ 38
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MasterDistrict1
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03
🚨︎ report
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...

I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"

πŸ‘︎ 101
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VAOkie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16
🚨︎ report
Finally my winter fat has gone...

Now, I have spring rolls.

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat psychic?

A four-chin teller

πŸ‘︎ 903
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Mar 09
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."

She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 12
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?

An OvalTeen

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MakeLoveNotWar_69
πŸ“…︎ May 09
🚨︎ report
I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...

He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pthelynese
πŸ“…︎ May 05
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat alchoholic?

A heavy drinker

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/OJAMZ23
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble

Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"

Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Throwaway899656
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04
🚨︎ report
What does Thor need now that he’s fat?

Gastric Bifrost Surgery

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tk289
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18
🚨︎ report
What do fat people die of?

Fatigue

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/christmasbush
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12
🚨︎ report
Ny wife's got so fat, that I've had to keep all the fattening stuff at a place she can't reach....

The floor .

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01
🚨︎ report
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine

And it sank

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/laurens54321
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21
🚨︎ report
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, β€œWill you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...

β€œI do!"

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

β€œYou’re much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 127
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Merlin-5
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12
🚨︎ report
Relationships are like fat people....

Most of them don't work out.

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07
🚨︎ report
I'm fat, because I'm full of experiences...

.....and most of these experiences involved Mexican food.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
I never worry about how fat I am

They say good things come to those who weight

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/returntim
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05
🚨︎ report
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night

πŸ‘︎ 240
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VaughnSD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat ariana grande?

Ariana venti

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/abarua01
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18
🚨︎ report
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"

"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11
🚨︎ report
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.

I couldn't sway him.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03
🚨︎ report
My son's science fair entry was a volcano made of a fat product from rendering the fatty tissue of a pig. My son's fat teacher waddled around everywhere when he set it off...

The lard ash was everywhere!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02
🚨︎ report
Why did the clock get fat?

It kept going for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 193
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.

The floor.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 30
🚨︎ report
Fat Tuesday?

Yep, and the rest of the week too!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/headexpl0dy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat polar bear?

A circumpolar bear.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stitch_Dragon
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œYou shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”

...”You are much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.

It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gp_11
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13
🚨︎ report
I don't understand how Elvis got so fat....

He ate nothing but a hound dog.

Thank you, thank you very much.....

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
How does a clock get fat?

It gains weight OVER TIME

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jcaughman0225
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
I have a joke about fat people with big asses.

Butt weight....That's not fanny.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an insect that was trying to jump on a fat guy's chest again and again.

I think it's preying man tits.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
If you give a pirate a fat booty and a full chest, what does he have?

An Arrrrgasm

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PuntasTeec
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?

She was a very moti-weighted person.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsOmeySalvi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?

They know how to break the ice

πŸ‘︎ 386
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...

They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...

I knew there and then that she was the One!!

πŸ‘︎ 71
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone called me fat

But did I get mad? No, I was the bigger man.

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Where are fat people from?

OB city

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SuS_____
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My winter fat is all gone...

Now I have spring rolls

πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pathrado
πŸ“…︎ May 29
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 500
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
My winter fat is gone!

Now I have spring rolls!

πŸ‘︎ 26
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/superpie5
πŸ“…︎ Mar 22
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.