Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?
Husband: You have a perfect eyesight
My wife said I'd gotten fat since she married me me...
I said "Yeah, you got 50% more of me. That's a great return on investment!"
Finally my winter fat has gone...
Now, I have spring rolls.
What do you call a fat psychic?
I was standing in front of the bedroom mirror looking myself over, rather unhappy with what I saw. I told my wife "I feel horrible. I look fat. I'm ugly. When did my hair start retreating like this? When did this stretch mark show up? I could use a compliment honey, my self esteem is in the dumps."
She looked at me and replied "your eyesight is damn near perfect."
What do you call a fat kid who likes chocolate milk?
I was out on a safari when i saw this big, fat, grey animal limping painfully toward a muddy pond. I asked the tour guide if it was injured...
He said, "No, it's just a hip-hurt-potamus"
What do you call a fat alchoholic?
Just told my wife this one after she said she was fat, I'm in trouble
Wife : "I feel fat, do you still love me?"
Me : "I'll love you thru Thikk and thin"
What does Thor need now that he’s fat?
What do fat people die of?
Ny wife's got so fat, that I've had to keep all the fattening stuff at a place she can't reach....
So I'm not fat but I tried the rowing machine
I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror one evening admiring my reflection, when I posed this question to my wife of 30 years, “Will you still love me when I’m old, fat, and balding?” She smiled and answered...
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
Relationships are like fat people....
Most of them don't work out.
I'm fat, because I'm full of experiences...
.....and most of these experiences involved Mexican food.
I never worry about how fat I am
They say good things come to those who weight
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....
What do you call a fat ariana grande?
My wife said to me, "am I getting fat?"
"No, sweetheart, you've been fat for years." I'll miss her.
A fat man came into the store trying to decide if he wanted a hammock. He laid down in the display model and I tried pushing him so he could feel what it was like to gently rock. I wasn't strong enough. He left without purchasing it.
My son's science fair entry was a volcano made of a fat product from rendering the fatty tissue of a pig. My son's fat teacher waddled around everywhere when he set it off...
The lard ash was everywhere!
Why did the clock get fat?
It kept going for seconds.
My son is getting so fat, I've decided to put all his favourite snacks at a place he can't reach.
Yep, and the rest of the week too!
What do you call a fat polar bear?
My wife told me, “You shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”
...”You are much bigger than that.”
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...
I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.
My wife complains that I'm getting fat. So this winter I decided to diet.
It's called inter"mitten" fasting to keep my hands of food
I don't understand how Elvis got so fat....
He ate nothing but a hound dog.
Thank you, thank you very much.....
How does a clock get fat?
It gains weight OVER TIME
I have a joke about fat people with big asses.
Butt weight....That's not fanny.
I saw an insect that was trying to jump on a fat guy's chest again and again.
I think it's preying man tits.
If you give a pirate a fat booty and a full chest, what does he have?
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?
She was a very moti-weighted person.
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?
They know how to break the ice
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...
They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...
I knew there and then that she was the One!!
Someone called me fat
But did I get mad? No, I was the bigger man.
Where are fat people from?
My winter fat is all gone...
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."