My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 482
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07
🚨︎ report
It doesn’t matter if you’re tall, short, fat, thin, rich, poor, at the end of the day....

It’s night

πŸ‘︎ 232
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VaughnSD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œYou shouldn’t take it personally if people call you fat...”

...”You are much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 47
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
My mate says I'm getting fat, but in my defence...

I’ve had a lot on my plate recently.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Jan 10
🚨︎ report
How does a clock get fat?

It gains weight OVER TIME

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jcaughman0225
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09
🚨︎ report
My bandmates are getting way to fat

Too much band width

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AwwwwwwYeahhhhhhh
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the clock get fat?

It kept going for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 192
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πŸ‘€︎ u/static612
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I have a joke about fat people with big asses.

Butt weight....That's not fanny.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 11 2020
🚨︎ report
I saw an insect that was trying to jump on a fat guy's chest again and again.

I think it's preying man tits.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where are fat people from?

OB city

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuS_____
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Someone called me fat

But did I get mad? No, I was the bigger man.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/snuggeybug
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do fat people go when they want to see into the future?

A Four chin teller

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/trendfoll
πŸ“…︎ Dec 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I'll never forget the day I first met my wife. We were at a fancy dress party and she was stood there, looking gorgeous and slim, with her fat mate...

They'd gone together dressed as the number 10...

I knew there and then that she was the One!!

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 06 2020
🚨︎ report
If you give a pirate a fat booty and a full chest, what does he have?

An Arrrrgasm

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuntasTeec
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2020
🚨︎ report
A TV pitchman was getting too fat ...

... butt weight there's more !

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KW-DadJoker
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fat Indian girl decide to run a marathon?

She was a very moti-weighted person.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ThisIsOmeySalvi
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A fat bee went to school. Created a real buzz when he got a B+

His average friend was nonplussed with a B, and his skinny friend would always be negative about her B-

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are demons fat

Because they hate exorcising

πŸ‘︎ 57
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πŸ‘€︎ u/winged-sunrise
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat liar sitting down?

Quite deceitful.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xtrendence
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a really fat knight?

Sir Cumference

πŸ‘︎ 39
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cwwspurs
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are fat penguins so popular at parties?

They know how to break the ice

πŸ‘︎ 384
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PygmeePony
πŸ“…︎ Jul 20 2020
🚨︎ report
If you give a pirate a fat booty and a full chest, what does he have?

An Arrrgasm!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PuntasTeec
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend said I’m getting fat...

But in my defence, I’ve had a lot on my plate recently

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PatriotASR
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Wife: I look fat, Give me a compliment

Husband: You have perfect eyesight

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HydropowerEnergy
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the spider get so fat?

It had too many butterflies.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Babbadooka
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
A couple of dogs were sitting in the kitchen chewing the fat. First dog says, β€œI heard a good joke today.” Second dog replies, β€œGo on then.” First dog continues, β€œKnock Kno..."

Second dog leaps up and goes berserk...

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/youthfulcomrade
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat goose?

A chonky honky

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flippantteacup
πŸ“…︎ Sep 06 2020
🚨︎ report
I told my wife β€œdon’t get upset when people call you fat......”

β€œ.....you’re bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the fat guy leave the store?

He forgot his Debbie card

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CreepOut75
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Hear the joke about a bunch of fat tourists standing in a queue?

It's got a terrible paunch line.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bigfoothobbit
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2020
🚨︎ report
A guy drank so much tea he got fat, he had to get Liptonsuction
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FacelessDemon22
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
There's a snack that's high in protein, fats, and fiber.

It's nuts!

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm not fat..

Just horizontally tall.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_leg_number3
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
By slinging gobs of congealed dairy fat across the room I discovered

butter flies!!

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/slowshot
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Why can’t Swiss cheese be part of a fat-free diet?

It’s made with hole milk.

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KoolaidPower
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Synonym rolls only make your vocabulary fat!
πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheLisaShow2020
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a fat psychic?

A 4-chin teller.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/professorf
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I like large animals, but hippos are just plain fat

Some people may consider this hippo-critical

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/invisible_being
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don't trees get fat?

They eat light.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2020
🚨︎ report
The wife asks if she got fat during the quarantine

I said you were never skinny to begin with. Time of death 1 minute later. Cause COVID

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mycorona69
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me, β€œDon’t stress out too much because your friends call you fat..”

...”You’re much bigger than that.”

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 29 2020
🚨︎ report
If Dwayne Johson was fat, what would you call his manboobs?

The Rocky Mountains

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Assfrontation
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
Dad, I feel fat and ugly... Give me a compliment...

Dad: You have good eyesight !

πŸ‘︎ 179
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Forkos34
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are demons fat...

Because they hate exorcising!

πŸ‘︎ 50
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bcm929
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report

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