This low calorie sweetener makes my coffee very Splendad
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ATMiceli
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
🚨︎ report
During what historical period did people start brewing reduced-calorie beer?

The Enlitenment.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RonPalancik
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2017
🚨︎ report
My wife burned 8,000 calories

She left the brownies in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WisdomThingy
πŸ“…︎ Dec 14 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call Vodka with no calories?

Absolut Zero

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Megalythyx
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I just burned 2000 calories...

That's the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I take a nap!

πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WispyNarwhal
πŸ“…︎ Jul 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I burned an impressive 2,000 calories today.

That’s the last time I fall asleep with brownies in the oven.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/andersonfmly
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2020
🚨︎ report
I just burned like a thousand calories....

It turns out pizzas are very good fire starters for arson.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MrEggsBenedicr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a whole grain that’s zero calories but is rarely used?

Weird flax but 0k

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaywalkerr
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
🚨︎ report
During sex you burn as much calories as running for 5 miles.

Who the hell runs 5 miles in 30 seconds?

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/viperfour
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 400 calories this morning.

My Pop Tarts got stuck in the toaster.

πŸ‘︎ 181
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GinormousPenguin
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
I burnt about 2,000 calories today

I left the chocolate mud cake in the oven to long

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/silent_kill2748
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
Wanna know how I burned 2014 calories in just an hour?

I left my frozen pizza in the oven for too long

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subhi2
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Burnt 1600 calories today.. feeling good!
πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sonujohny
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
So I dropped 600 calories in one minute today.

My cheese burger fell on the floor.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/cjjsteen3
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I burnt 2000 calories yesterday.

I forgot to take my cake out the oven...

(Yes, all credit goes to Sorted Food)

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JimmyNuggets
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my dad that I burned 400 calories.

He asked if the firefighters came.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MaximumPollution
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I just burned a thousand calories in twelve minutes!

I forgot I had a pizza in the oven

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zortor
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2018
🚨︎ report
After 30 minutes on the treadmill it said "274 calories".

So I stayed on for a little longer to see if it would make the treadmill tastier.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
Calories!

Who knew one word could carry so much weight.

πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rogerstc2
πŸ“…︎ Mar 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I’m proud to say I burned a lot of calories today.

Forgot to turn off the stove while making dinner.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2017
🚨︎ report
A man posted a picture of a burnt chicken he was trying to cook and said

"Burnt 300 Calories today!"

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SonEf_Adam
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter asked "what's a light year?"

I said "it's just like a regular year but lower in calories."

πŸ‘︎ 79
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brother_p
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
🚨︎ report
I was making a sandwich the other day and put a slice if swiss cheese on it. My son asked, "Dad, pepperjack is you favorite, why are you using swiss cheese?"

I relied, "Cutting calories!"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jonnnylong
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My Thanksgiving Confession

Hey guys. As I'm sure most of you know, it's currently Thanksgiving in Canada. This time of year for me has, in the past, caused a lot of issues in my life.

To give a little bit of background on me, I'm usually an extremely healthy and fit guy, as I play high-level sports and have a physically demanding job. However, for much of my life, my willpower began to crumble around this time of year.

I first started taking my diet seriously when I was about 12 years old. I had some kind of realization where like, I dunno, I started looking at how jacked these movie stars were and was all, "wow, I want to be that cool too." Judging by the bowl cut I had when I was 12, my perception of cool may have been a little skewed, but I digress.

Anyhow, it was my first Thanksgiving where everything started falling apart. One of my relative's families ended up no-showing for dinner, so we were left with a load of Thanksgiving leftovers. For the next week, every single meal or snack I had was Thanksgiving themed. Sandwich? Turkey sandwich. Breakfast? Let's dollop some cranberry sauce on that bad boy. By the next week, my BGC (blood gravy content) was probably at like 1.0%.

You'd think I'd be sick of holiday food after that. But no. I loved it.

The tradition of refrigerated Thanksgiving snacks continued throughout the rest of my teen years. Like clockwork, the numbers on the scale would significantly jump upwards in October, with Halloween candy adding an extra layer of calories on top. By the time I reached 17, my waist had begun noticeably ballooning, and I realized it was all due to Thanksgiving turkey. Sure, I had some at Christmas and sometimes at Easter, but never like that. My mother would encourage this habit, making more food each year to be stuffed into our packed refrigerator.

The movie star bod I wanted for so much at the age of 12 was slipping a way. I needed to put an end to this.

Flash forward to October 2015, age 18. I had made a vow: I never again would place such putrid poultry onto my tastebuds. And ever since that fateful week of 2014, my vow had held true.

Each Thanksgiving, I can feel that craving for chilled turkey knocking on the refrigerator door of my fragile ego. For three years, I've held strong. But when will the garrison fall? When will that soft, biting flesh of the big bird smash it's way back into my life.

But so far, I've quit cold turkey.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/M3gaC00l
πŸ“…︎ Oct 09 2018
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between an Isreali and an Israelite?

The Israelite has 1/3 fewer calories.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/atlhawk8357
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Dad, why do you keep over cooking the food?

I am burning calories

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/NotVanHelsing
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Dessert Puns

I saw a white, fluffy thing swinging through my local cake shop. Suspect it was a meringue-utang.


I was out driving the other day and I spotted two packets of cheese & onion crisps walking down the road. I said, β€œDo you want a lift”. β€œNo thanks”, they replied, β€œWe’re Walkers”.


I was in a cake shop the other day, they were all Β£5 apart from one that was Β£10. I asked why it was so expensive, the shop owner said β€œthat’s maderia cake”.


Bought some cream, it said β€œstore in a cool place”. So I left it in the Doctor Who studios.


Local ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.


I used to love doughnuts, but I got bored of the whole thing.


A man says β€œI keep finding custard in one ear, and jelly in the other”. The doctor says β€œI’m afraid you are a trifle deaf”.


I bought a waffle iron the other day. Get really annoyed with wrinkled waffles.


How do you make an apple puff? Chase it around the garden


What do they call a man who abandoned his diet? DESSERTER.


Ice cream is exquisite… –what a pity it isn’t illegal.


The optimist sees the doughnut, the pessimist sees the hole, and the realist sees the calories.


Why did Eve bite the forbidden apple? Because it tasted better than Adam’s banana.


Why did the students eat their homework? Because the teacher said that it was a piece of cake.


Why do we put candles on top of a birthday cake? Because it’s too hard to put them on the bottom!


When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it’s been sliced.


What did the cake say to the fork? you want a piece of me?


Why was the birthday cake as hard as a rock? Because it was marble cake!


What happens when no one comes to your birthday party? You can have your cake and eat it too.


What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven? Angel food cake, of course!


A birthday greeting: For someone special as you, only ANGELFOOD would do. HAPPY BIRTHDAY!


Did you hear there are two suspects in Two Ton Charley’s death? BEN and JERRY.


Don’t eat too much fudge, or else you will have so much pudge you won’t be able to budge.


You know you’re a mom if… Popsicles have become a staple food.


Mexican candy makes my taste buds say β€œOLE!”


FORGET LOVE… I’

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Punsville
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2017
🚨︎ report
This morning my dad was driving me to school.

As we drove down the highway we passed a bunch of fire trucks all parked directly outside of a fitness center. My dad taps me on the shoulder, I turn to look at him, and he says:

"I guess somebody must have burned too many calories"

πŸ‘︎ 206
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMATARDISAMA
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2015
🚨︎ report
dad jokes my SO today

me: Honey, I burned almost 2000 calories today!!
her: Congrats!
me: Yeah, I left the tray of cookies in the oven too long and they were burnt to a crisp
her: ...

πŸ‘︎ 89
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pandahipstermagic
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2015
🚨︎ report
My dad's crowning moment

driving down I-75 when we passed fire trucks outside of an urban active gym

Mom: Look at all of those fire trucks!

Dad: wow, they must really be burning those calories!

πŸ‘︎ 140
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πŸ‘€︎ u/r2deetard
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2013
🚨︎ report
Why is it better to toast bread?

It burns calories.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MAuxLawson
πŸ“…︎ Apr 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I just found out how to burn 2000 calories

I left my brownies in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 422
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mafiaworks_08
πŸ“…︎ May 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Just burned 2,000 calories in 2 hours

That’s the last time I leave my brownies in the oven while I’m at work

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/darkalan64
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Just burned 2000 calories today

I won’t forget to remove the brownies from the oven next time.

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/school-yeeter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday.

Left the brownies in the oven too long.

πŸ‘︎ 109
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2,000 calories last night

Left the brownies in the oven for too long...

πŸ‘︎ 61
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swiggetyswine69
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2000 calories today

I left my food in the oven for too long.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2,000 calories yesterday...

Left the brownies in the oven for too long

πŸ‘︎ 73
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πŸ‘€︎ u/david7494
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2000 calories yesterday.

I left my pizza in the oven too long

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/killer_pop_chilly
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2019
🚨︎ report
I burned 2000 calories today.

I left the brownies in the oven on accident!

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sasschary
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
Wow. I burned 1500 calories.

That’s the last time I leave my cake in the oven while I nap.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/C0untdown
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I just burned 2,000 calories!

I just burned 2,000 calories!

That's the last time I leave cookies in the oven while I take a nap.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BadPuppyZA
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Just burned 2,000 calories.

That’s the last time I leave brownies in the oven while I nap.

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ENJOYblet
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2018
🚨︎ report
I just burned 2000 calories!

That's the last time I'll leave the brownies in the oven whilst I take a nap, that's for sure

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RishDaBoss
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2018
🚨︎ report
I burnt 2600 calories yesterday!

I forgot the tray of brownies in the oven.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/royaj77
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2017
🚨︎ report
I've just burned 3,000 calories

I forgot to take the pizza out of the oven.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kalyx__g
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2017
🚨︎ report
I burned 2,000 calories today.

I left my brownies in the oven for too long.

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ElGuaco
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2015
🚨︎ report

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