I answered the door this morning. A 6ft beetle punched me in the face and called me a fat old man...

Apparently there's a nasty bug going round!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/cotswoldboy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
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What do you call a fat jolly man with no pocket change?

Saint Nickel-Less

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sgt_PoopyMan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 02 2019
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Why does a fat man go on a diet?

Because he doesn't wanna die-yet.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/owlkestrel
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2018
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A fat man is approached by his son...

"Daddy, I'm gonna call you sir" "Aww thanks lad" "Sir Cumference"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/machi_koro
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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As a very fat man I took my kids horseback riding. I placed my youngest on a small horse and it huffed a bit. I put my oldest on a medium horse and it huffed a bit. I walked over to a rather large horse and tried to get up on it. His eyes got big...

And he went "Neigh! Neigh!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheHobbitPimp
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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who's the fat man's best friend?

The hot dog.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RDRC
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2018
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Dad dressed me down for insulting a fat man.

As we were driving one day, I saw a fat guy on the sidwalk and said, "Wow, what a fatass. That's awful."

My dad responded, "That's not nice, son. You never know what someone's situation might be. I know that guy, and he happens to have Dunlap Syndrome."

"Dunlap Syndrome?" I ask, feeling thoroughly shitty.

"Yeah. His belly done lapped over his belt!"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/pretzelzetzel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2013
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Joke by my wife

There we were, sitting by the hearth last night.

Man on the television set: "Vote blue, no matter who."

Mother: "Father, do you think he means our darling pooch"?

Blue: Snoring on the rug, fat and lavish

Me: "Mother, you are a sensational one. Outrageous!"

Mother: With her head tilted back, unleashes a hearty guffaw

I thought you might enjoy this roguish exchange as much as mother and I did πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

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πŸ‘€︎ u/trenlow12
πŸ“…︎ Apr 12 2020
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I dare you to read this

What tree do you wipe your hands on? A palm tree!

I heard a scary math joke, but I’m 2^^2 to tell it!

Have you heard of that new movie, β€œConstipation”? Well it doesn’t matter, it never came out.

I hurt myself when I went to a theme park in florida. When I went to the doctor, he started wrapping up my left leg, but then I pointed at my right and said β€œNo, doc, it’s dis knee.”

Last night I got mugged by 6 dwarves. Not Happy.

When Queen Elizabeth farts, everyone in the room must pretend like nothing happened. Noble Gasses don’t cause reactions, after all.

What’s the difference between a seal and a sea lion? One electron.

What happens to nitrogen when the sun rises? It becomes Daytrogen!

I called the animal shelter today and said "I've found six kittens in a suitcase in the woods." They said "Are they moving?" I replied "I don't know, but that would explain the suitcase."

Why can’t you trust Atoms? Because they make up everything!

Why do nerds wear glasses? It helps with division.

Why should you tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? You don’t wanna wake the sleeping pills.

What twitches and is found at the bottom of the ocean? A nervous wreck!

What do you call a fat psychic? A four chin teller!

What do you call a 3 foot tall psychic on the run from the law? A small medium at large!

Help, I can’t stop reading books with female protagonists! I’m a heroine addict!

How did Sparticus react when he ate his wife for dinner? He was gladiator!

When does a joke become a dad joke? When the punchline becomes apparent!

19 and 20 got into a fight… 21.

My friend told me, β€œPeople who sell meat are disgusting!” So I said, β€œYeah, well people who sell fruits and vegetables are grocer!”

How can turtles take photos of themselves? Shell-fie sticks!

What do you call a secret agent molecule? Bond… ionic bond. β€œTaken, not shared.” What did the dinosaur say to the other dinosaur? (Cut this part, but make a screeching noise)

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost? $0, it’s on the house.

If America switched from pounds to kilograms overnight there would be mass confusion.

I had a splinter once; it eventually got out of hand.

I’m going to go stand outside. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.

Most people are shocked to find out how terrible an electrician I am!

What do mermaids wash their fins with? Tide What’s the coolest place to use the bathroom? The Lil Jon

Did you know that on average, people want three covers on their bed at all times? But that’s just a blanket statem

... keep reading on reddit ➑

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πŸ‘€︎ u/kinjago
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2019
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At sunrise there were two robins overlooking a freshly plowed field

One says to the other β€œLets go eat our fill in seeds and worms.” They swoop down and do so.

Once all fat and happy they find a spot under a tree with the perfect amount of sun, and bask in the sunlight.

An alley cat rolls in and seeing the two birds. Thinking about how he hasn’t eaten in days, and sees two fat birds in front of him, he creeps up, and gobbles them in one fell swoop.

In the aftermath, he takes their spot in the sun, and as he’s laying down to nap he says β€œMan... I sure do love Baskin Robins.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tkl15
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2019
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Learn Chinese in 5 min

LEARN CHINESE IN 5 MINUTES (You MUST read them out loud or it doesnt make as much sense)...

  1. Thats not right........ Sum Ting Wong
  2. Are you harboring a fugitive................... Hu Yu Hai Ding
  3. See me ASAP............. Kum Hia Nao
  4. Stupid Man...................... Dum Fuk
  5. Small horse... Tai Ni Po Ni
  6. Did you go to the beach?... Wai Yu So Tan
  7. I bumped in to a coffee table... Ai Bang Mai Fa Kin Ni
  8. I think you need a face lift... Chin Tu Fat
  9. It's very dark in here... Wao So Dim
  10. I thought you were on a diet... Wai Yu Mun Ching
  11. This is a tow away zone... No Pah King
  12. staying out of sight... Lei Ying Lo
  13. He's cleaning his automobile... Wa Shing Ka
  14. Your body odor is offensive... Yu Stin Ki Pu
  15. Great... Fa Kin Su Pah
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πŸ‘€︎ u/edg0023
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2018
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Fozzie the Bear tells the ultimate dad jokes.
  1. Did I tell you the one about the man with the light bulb in his nose? He was lightheaded.

  2. Why are fish so smart? 'Cause they swim in schools.

  3. Why did the man put a sweater on his hot dog? Because it was a chili dog.

  4. Fozzie:Β There was this sailor that was SO fat Sailor:Β How fat was he? Fozzie:Β He was so fat that everybody liked him, and there was nothing funny about him at all.

  5. Why do movie stars have lots of fans?Because theirΒ hot.

  6. What do you get when you put chocolate pudding in your mother's shoes? You get a spanking

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πŸ‘€︎ u/patient_zero84
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2018
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Dad, what size shirt do you wear?

Double fat man

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eziliofbeauty
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2018
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My dad just git me with these two

What did the termite say when he walked into a saloon?

"where is the bar tender? "

What did the three legged dog say when he went into the bar?

" I'm looking for the man who shot my paw. "

Edit: hit not git in the title. Too fat of fingers for my phone...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/GnarlyMonkey
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2015
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