They always miss the point.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
Now she thinks I'm in love with a stripper.
All the slides were just photos of him.
It's just a waste of time
He said it’s a good quality to hold onto.
My mom's boyfriend and I were talking about weighing the new kittens and I walked into a joke.
Him: Put her on the weighing scale.
Me: What do scales do besides weighing things?
Him: Protect lizards and snakes..
Me: ...
Him: And make fish pretty.
I had written out something I was supposed to read out with the first pen I could find, which happened to be red.
When asked why I had used this colour, my answer was:
"Well, it has to be read, hasn't it?"
"The sink is the most important! It's where you get water for cooking, wash your hands, clean fruits and vegetables, and clean the dishes up afterwards."
But another person said,
"The countertop is even more important. It's where the food is prepared. And if the counter weren't there, you wouldn't have a sink at all!"
The first person was shocked. They weren't expecting a counterargument.
Can someone help me open our liqour cabinet?
It improves division.
When he arrives she says “I’ve decided what I want for dinner.”
For a closet racist.
The 5k because a mile race doesn’t meter.
Philately will get you nowhere
My cat won't stop talking about him.
Because otherwise it would be a chicken sedan.
I think I won.
The sunset provision.
But it's what's inside that counts
Once you lose one it's a slippery slope.
It’s what gets me out of bed in the morning
You’re just getting a head of yourself.
that it's under "lined" in the dictionary.
A look of hopeful curiosity washed over her as she fell into my trap. "No, what?"
"Very SHADY things."
It must've reminded her that she had something else to do that was very important.
Having a bit of a discipline issue with my daughter... she'll bring a pile of sand inside and make what she calls her "land". It's sand arranged in a flattish layer, with toy animals and her lego house (Friends^TM , why she no like diggers and helicopters and whatever, why she gotta be so girly??). She doesn't like getting her hand dirty while she's doing it, wears a glove to keep clean, so you'd think she could understand the concept that I don't like the floor getting dirty... but no, she doesn't give a shit.
Had her third birthday party recently, and gave her a Skye (Paw Patrol) plushy, she loves it. Because it's her newest and most favourite toy in the whole world, and because it was for her birthday, we can't confiscate it no matter what.
Very next day, she makes her land again, Skye's there at the side - she's too big to sit in the middle, it would dominate all the plastic dinosaurs and lego Friends people (not the usual mini-figs, they're a bit more anatomically correct, anyway that's not important right now). So I'm all angry and "why you keep doing this", take the glove off her and sweep up the sand. Put her in the time out cage for a bit. Well, we call it the cage, it's just a cupboard under the stairs which is a bit shorter than her so she has to sit there if she doesn't want to bump her head. Throw her in there for one minute per year of age, is the standard procedure.
Anyway, as we close the door she starts singing...
Take my glove
Take my land
Take me where I cannot stand
I don't care
I'm still three
You can't take this Skye from me
It was pretty anti-climatic
Which is witch ?
A doody duty
(Timing)
But I always hearing the commentators saying "He needs to make this faux pas"
They are a big part of pop culture
...writing: "I have a music album". 🎶
...versus: "I have a musical bum". 🎺
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
You know, to make light of the situation the worlds in right now.
An announcement
It's a Stark reminder.
Gotta be Low key
You get gravy
Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.
It means a lot
It was a very pivotal moment
It could be a lifesaver.
I won.
