They always miss the point.
So today I’m wearing pants to take her to school.
Now she thinks I'm in love with a stripper.
He said, “Anyone who would sleep with you would sleep with almost anyone else.”
All the slides were just photos of him.
It's just a waste of time
He said it’s a good quality to hold onto.
My mom's boyfriend and I were talking about weighing the new kittens and I walked into a joke.
Him: Put her on the weighing scale.
Me: What do scales do besides weighing things?
Him: Protect lizards and snakes..
Me: ...
Him: And make fish pretty.
I had written out something I was supposed to read out with the first pen I could find, which happened to be red.
When asked why I had used this colour, my answer was:
"Well, it has to be read, hasn't it?"
I won.
As he died, he kept insisting "be positive", but it's hard without him.
An announcement
...writing: "I have a music album". 🎶
...versus: "I have a musical bum". 🎺
because the fist impression is everything.
But it's what's inside that counts
(Timing)
It means a lot
Last time I cast my vote for a real estate agent.
You get gravy
Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.
I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.
I was gone only a minute and when I came out, I handed her a toothbrush.
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a slight limp...
I like to keep all my bases covered.
You know, to make light of the situation the worlds in right now.
Gotta be Low key
It's a Stark reminder.
Hi, leaving r/dadjokes, I'm dad.
1:
2:
3:
It was a very pivotal moment
They are a big part of pop culture
Is it the foamer or the lather
I never though I'd grow up to be an international arms dealer.
I have two kids, a three year old daughter and a one year old son. Today as we were driving home, my daughter said for the first time “dad I’m hungry” and I felt the power course through my veins knowing I was about to reach the pinnacle of existence. I delivered the revered line and my wife just looked at me and I knew I had achieved everything in life.
Fire does not matter
It's also their biggest import.
But they don't really need the support
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I'll take my leave
Aruba - Cherry Pie $3.45
Bahamas - Apple Pie $2.75
Jamaica - Key Lime Pie $3.34
Saint Croix - Lemon Pie $4.21
These are the pie rates of the Caribbean.
I just bought paper trowels and they're useless.
The Semi-truck’s digestive system
"...have plaque on your wall?"
I'm creating a drinking game where every important event equals to drinking, but I am nowhere close to NAMING my drinking game. A friend of mine recommended this subreddit, saying that people drop some really punny puns here. Give your ideas for a title, I think up to 6 words would be okay.
Let's see what you can do!
What you need to know about the game:
- You can create your timeline based on packages (ages, countries, continents, etc).
- Every important event has a normal action and drinking action.
- You never know in which year you are located but get an estimate year. You can either guess the year (or date) and get a free pass or you have to execute the action or drinking action. When you guess wrong, you'll have to double it.
That's basically it.
It could be a lifesaver.
It's pretty oak, eh.
They planet (plan it)
When you wash your hands, make sure every area is COVID.
It's the word defined as "Preceding all others in time, order, or importance".
As much as it sucks, it’s better to be safe than SARS-y
I got a plush neuron for Christmas and I’m having trouble coming up with a cute, punny name for it! Any ideas?
And import.
There are some important steps I'll have to take to avoid them.
Must be the high Mercury content.
That is, at least not long enough to learn any of the many, many important things a frog needs to learn in order to be a frog.
You see, a frog needs to be super slick in order to get by. A frog without proper skills, well, he may as well be a toad.
Anyways, every time Mama Frog went about trying to teach Little Hop something, he would just bounce.. and bounce.. and bounce..
And every time Mama Frog had reached her limit of patience, right before giving up, she’d say to Little Hop, “If you keep on keepin’ on hoppin around all aimless, I’m gonna turn you into a toad!”
Which, upon hearing, Little Hop would stop his hop and settle. You see, he knew well enough that he wanted no part of being a toad.
Well, on one particular day, during one such lesson, Little Hop had taken again to bouncing here, and bouncing there - and just about everywhere besides a place he could listen! And on this same particular day, Mama Frog’s patience was worn real, real, thin, you see, and she got sudden filled with a terrible frustration.
And just like a firecracker went off, in a sudden snap, Mama Frog turned Little Hop straight into a toad!
And when it was done, Mama Frog looked at him direct, shook her head, and said..
“I toad you so.”
It was a real economic co-lapse
A. Teach it proper manners!
So whenever I went for one I always entered the room saying “Nice to see you, to see you....”. Only once did someone respond.
The best American Presidents were stoned.
Because without it, Britain would be Briain
He blew up overnight
this is for something important I just need a name for a plant who's also a samurai. Any pun name will be appreciated
"This is where the Magna Carta was signed," said the tour guide, "One the most important documents in English History."
"When was it signed?" asked Paddy.
"1215," said the tour guide.
"OH NO!" said Paddy, "We missed it by 10 minutes!"
1: Never give out all the information.
I mean every other song "No L, No L!"
Because without them, there would only be panic.
Thanks for letting minnow
That's a very important fact I just read and wanted to share with you guys. Buying beds is a serious topic.
It ended up a tie
Otherwise you’re decisions could come back to haunt you.
Goes to show that it’s important to vote in elections.
When in the interrogation room, he told my grandfather
"vee haf vays of making you tock!"
The second one.
I won.
I think I won.
I think I won.
The second one.
