I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 90
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

πŸ‘︎ 66
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01
🚨︎ report
I really ought to start losing weight...

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?

Because they aren't stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/znipershot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?

Gaseous Clay

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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumblebeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugtrial
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad β€œWhat’s the difference between weight and mass?”

β€œWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.

Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shakes-Fear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joos_monkeyfied
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?

He's thor

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do you find the weight of a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-WigglyLine-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?

Man, I'm thor.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?

They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourAnimateJonnyV
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....

But it just made it more sluggish......

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ukblademan
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don’t pick it up.

πŸ‘︎ 95
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πŸ‘€︎ u/koolf1
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

πŸ‘︎ 43
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbbell-Door

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16 2020
🚨︎ report
She probably said, "Let's weight"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crypt0sh0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.

They've decided to call it hella sore.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tutor78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?

Welter Weight

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Razerdeg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I lost some weight last month.

But now it found me again.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditman111
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
🚨︎ report
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.

My father figure.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2020
🚨︎ report
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.

I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
🚨︎ report
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all

But when morning came I had to break fast

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.

I prefer the term β€œfour-chin tellerβ€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Weight watchers
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroHirsch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.

I've won a Nobellly Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ May 06 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, β€œCan you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, β€œYes.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?

He was hippo-critical

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/guamo17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We got sent extra bumper plates for weight lifting.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
🚨︎ report
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Extrahub
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report

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