I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.
Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.
I thought dieting was a piece of cake.
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?
Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?
I really ought to start losing weight...
But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.
Why don’t fish weight themselves?
They have their own scales.
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds
But they were very cagey about it.
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.
But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?
Because they aren't stroganoff
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.
On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...
Losing weight is a piece of cake
See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!
Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!
What do you call a big weight loss?
I asked my Dad “What’s the difference between weight and mass?”
“Well, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.
Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.
Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?
Where do you find the weight of a whale?
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?
How do you think they measure the weight of bones?
They probably Skel-a-Ton at a time!
I thought that taking the shell off of my racing snail would save weight and make it more streamlined so it would be faster....
But it just made it more sluggish......
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbbell-Door
She probably said, "Let's weight"
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?
I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.
I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all
But when morning came I had to break fast
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.
I prefer the term “four-chin teller“.
I gain too much weight around the holidays
I need to stop eating cold turkey
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.
I've won a Nobellly Prize.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?
We got sent extra bumper plates for weight lifting.
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight