The detective shuddered when he realised the weapons from each crime scene were the same weight

They weren't just chasing a serial killer, they were chasing a mass murderer

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πŸ‘€︎ u/gramineous
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Weight
πŸ‘︎ 115
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awells1012
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

πŸ‘︎ 15
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-KeyLime-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report
If my ceiling fan supported my weight...

....I'll never be bored again.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Apr 30 2021
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake

Just don’t pick it up!

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nuxul006
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2021
🚨︎ report
The key to losing weight is patience

So take your time and wait.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/nossin
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2021
🚨︎ report
I invented a bouncing platform to help obese hobos lose weight.

I call it a Tramp o' Lean

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/diceblue
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2021
🚨︎ report
I've lost loads of weight, just by wearing bread around my head...

It's a loaf hat diet.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone that got weight loss surgery?

Trans-fat.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SousaBoy93
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2021
🚨︎ report
The french revolution was kind of a pain in the neck, but once it was over it was a weight off of some people's shoulders
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 08 2021
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight is a peice of cake!

Just don’t pick it up

Edit: piece I before E except after c

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/gowry0
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
I have only two new years resolutions this year. One: get back to the weight I was before the accident.

Two: stop referring to last year's junk food binge as 'the accident'

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ben716
πŸ“…︎ Jan 03 2021
🚨︎ report
I went to a weight loss seminar

I now have wseven

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jzr171
πŸ“…︎ Mar 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm planning to implement a new weight-loss method that will require people to wear winter gloves making it harder for them to eat.

I will call it "Inter-mitten fasting".

πŸ‘︎ 111
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jhnrmn
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2021
🚨︎ report
Red hot chili pepper weight

How do you measure how heavy a red hot chilli pepper is? Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it away a now.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spinnaker190
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2021
🚨︎ report
My partner is telling me that I'm gaining a lot of weight from eating a lot of Indian food

But I think it's a naan issue.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/brichouse
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I really ought to start losing weight...

But, I've got too much on my plate at the moment.

πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I don’t understand why I can't lose weight.

I thought dieting was a piece of cake.

πŸ‘︎ 45
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jigsatics
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about Dolly Parton’s new weight loss coffee?

It’s called Joe Lean.

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jayrandomer
πŸ“…︎ Jan 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Doctor: Can we talk about your weight?

Certainly. It was about 20 minutes, but at least the chairs didn't break this time.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgrl2494
πŸ“…︎ Nov 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife hates it when I make jokes about her weight...

She needs to lighten up.

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Dec 17 2020
🚨︎ report
We Tried Getting Americans to Start Measuring Weight in Kilograms Instead of Pounds

But they were very cagey about it.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/adhoc42
πŸ“…︎ Nov 14 2020
🚨︎ report
As the detective examined the crime scene at the carnival he came upon the man working the β€œGuess your weight” booth. The detective had the man arrested as an accomplice to the criminal.

He was charged with helping the criminal get a weigh.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Pasngas42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 19 2021
🚨︎ report
My wife said, "You've put on a lot of weight."

I said, " I know! I have had a lot on my plate lately."

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don’t fish weight themselves?

They have their own scales.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JP-Seven
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2020
🚨︎ report
What increases in weight as it decreases in volume?

A wet Pomeranian.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/David_F_Pumpkins
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
🚨︎ report
I called up Weight Watchers, told them there was an emergency and asked for them to send someone round!

Turns out they’ve got loads of them!

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DantheMan350V2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
🚨︎ report
What does a dead person do to lose weight?

He goes on a DIE-et!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 08 2021
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight during Lockdown that my Sumo suit no longer fits me.

On the plus side, I no longer need a Sumo suit.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhoElseButAlf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I started going to the gym in my tuxedo, everything went well except the weight lifting...

Is not my strong suit.

πŸ‘︎ 247
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πŸ‘€︎ u/walkingnottoofast
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2020
🚨︎ report
Pro tip: If you are looking for a cheap way to work out at home, consider using milk jugs as weights.

But be sure to use almond or soy milk, I’ve heard they’re the healthier alternatives.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jimothy05
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2020
🚨︎ report
You should avoid beef when trying to lose weight

Too many cowlories.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shade168
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Why are goulash not good at weight lifting?

Because they aren't stroganoff

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/znipershot
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a big weight loss?

A mass murder

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VintageDavis
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
🚨︎ report
Who was the heavy weight champion of farts?

Gaseous Clay

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rumblebeard
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my Dad β€œWhat’s the difference between weight and mass?”

β€œWell, son. Weight is your size in relation to the Earth’s gravity.

Mass is what Catholics go to Sunday morning.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shakes-Fear
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
🚨︎ report
The biggest celeb i met while grocery shopping! Dude lost a lotta weight since Fight Club.
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joos_monkeyfied
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2020
🚨︎ report
She probably said, "Let's weight"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Crypt0sh0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Where do you find the weight of a whale?

At a whale-weigh station

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/-WigglyLine-
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake

See, it's a simple process... just don't pick it up!

Happy cake day to anyone who shares the same as mine!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bugtrial
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Why does Mike tyson turn into a superhero after lifting weights?

He's thor

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kashindabank
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2020
🚨︎ report
In a recent interview with David Draiman a reporter commented on his remarkable quarantine weight gain.

Disturbed's lead singer just laughed like a monkey and said he was "down with the thiccness."

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Catillionaire
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the Norse god of thunder say after biting his tongue during an intense weight-lifting session?

Man, I'm thor.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call someone who is incredibly good at estimating the weight of objects?

A masstermind

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/-KeyLime-
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2021
🚨︎ report

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