How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.
We've made a massive mistake
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight
My friend made a joke about wanting to steal my weight set.
I told him it was not something to take lightly.
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.
I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.
Losing weight is a piece of cake.
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?
Through the Dumbbell-Door
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.
They've decided to call it hella sore.
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?
I lost some weight last month.
But now it found me again.
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.
It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.
I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all
But when morning came I had to break fast
I gain too much weight around the holidays
I need to stop eating cold turkey
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.
I've won a Nobellly Prize.
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.
I prefer the term “four-chin teller“.
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?
I tried to jump rope to lose weight
But I always end up skipping it.
We got sent extra bumper plates for weight lifting.
She probably said, "Let's weight"
There will probably be a surge in weight lifting related injuries since all the gyms have closed.
Everyone will try to pick up where they left off.
Losing weight in Great Britain is easy.
Everything costs a couple pounds
In the UK, weights are really expensive,
A 45 kilo kettle bell is 100 pounds!
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts...
Fish must be very conscious their weight,
Because they always have scales.
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
I tried out a weight watchers group therapy session but no one would talk about their experiences.
There were just too many elephants in the room
My friend Wat never gains weight on vacation
Wat goes a round, comes a round
I’m not saying I need to lose weight, but
last week I jumped in the air and got stuck.
How did the book lose weight?
It got its appendix removed.
What happens when you drop a 14 pound weight on 2 canaries?
You kill 2 birds with one stone.
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, “Can you imagine being that strong?”
So I picked up the leaf and said, “Yes.”
Someone was selling weights as 'never used'
So I picked one up and asked 'how much now?'
Imagine if the Americans started using Kilograms to measure weight.
There would be mass confusion.
Weight Distribution in Layman Terms
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.
You know gaining weight actually makes anything more attractive
Gravitationally attractive that is
It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight....
Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on
I keep trying to lose weight
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. That was a relief.
Hearing that lifted a weight off my chest.
What do you call a picture of a weight-lifting woman in a locket?
A strong independent woman.
What happens when a weightlifter loses weight?
What do you call an elephant that makes fun of a hippo’s weight?
Did you hear beer can make you lose weight?
I'm thinking of writing a weight loss book
Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience.
I use the notches on my belt to monitor how much weight I'm losing
If you die of obstipation what quantity of your body weight consists of excrement?
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold
What kind of pants did weight-lifters wear in the 1970s?
I didn't mean to gain so much weight.
It happened by snaccident.
Before I had weights, I used to work out by lifting cases of Coke.
I had to stop, because it was soda pressing.
My gf says to me,"I think I lost some weight"
I told her to look behind her.
And that's when the fight started.
My cat gained so much weight that I had to put her down
My arms got tired but I'll pick her up again later
New weights and measures
- The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23.
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I’d like to lose some weight but I’ve got too much on my plate.
I would lift weights...
But they're just too damn heavy!
What do you call a cow that lifts weights?
My wife was complaining about her weight.
So I told her to hand me a lighter.
As she was holding it, I said, “There. You got a little lighter now.”
I was never heard from again.
Excess weight could soon be Canada’s second leading preventable cause of cancer, report says
I'm told pasta makes you gain weight
But I'm in for a penne so I'm in for a pound
I've put on so much weight since I started eating clocks.
I always go back for seconds.
Normally my electronic scale shows a number, like "205". But today when I checked my weight, it just said "Low".
So I'm feeling pretty good about myself.
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!
It's best to just pick them up.
A side effect of gaining weight is often...
What do u tell someone when u want them to stop while lifting weights?
How did the Programmer lose weight?
Hey switched to a byte sized diet.
I dunno why my parent's are so mad at me for not losing weight
I thought they wanted me to be well rounded
I keep trying to lose weight
But it keeps catching up to me.
I decided to wear ankle weights for yesterday's race and I came second
I think those things were dragging me down
Does anyone have any weight loss mantras?
Paul's an assistant at a butcher shop . He's 6 foot tall and wears a size 9 shoe . What does he weight ?
I've got a friend who is really punching above his weight.
His girlfriend's fucking massive.
Someone should make a weight-loss book for incels
Bought some detox tea to loose weight.
It is sublime served with Chips Ahoy/Oreo.
Amazing new weight loss technique?
So I saw this crazy salesman trying to convince every passer-by that you can lose weight just by repeating a special series of weight loss mantras every day.
"Fat chance!" I called out, rolling my eyes.
"EXACTLY!!!" he replied.
How did the chicken loose weight
Why did the Trump supporter gain weight?
I wanted to gain some weight, so I got a job.
Some friends of mine were talking about how eating pizza would make them gain weight
I responded by telling them that if I’m really patient, I gain wait
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?
Because it had too many scales
To the person who stole my weight loss pills........
You'll have nothing to gain.
I bet my friend that i could lose more weight than him within the last month
A person went on a low carb diet to lose weight...
They said “It’s the keto my success!”