How did the Norse god know when it was time to stop lifting weights?

He was Thor.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Aug 07
🚨︎ report
My wife and I recently had a child on accident. We didn't want a child at all as we are rather young and wanted to wait a few years. He was born yesterday at the whopping weight of 8 kilos.

We've made a massive mistake

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/oxygenatedair66
πŸ“…︎ Jul 25
🚨︎ report
My mother's sister can carry 50 times her own weight

She's my aunt

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/forrestree
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28
🚨︎ report
My friend made a joke about wanting to steal my weight set.

I told him it was not something to take lightly.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Stepoo
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24
🚨︎ report
I’ve been writing a book on weight loss.

I hope it will appeal to a wide audience.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16
🚨︎ report
Losing weight is a piece of cake.

Just don’t pick it up.

πŸ‘︎ 98
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/koolf1
πŸ“…︎ May 17
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room in Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbbell-Door

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DevilRyder
πŸ“…︎ Jun 16
🚨︎ report
Scientists recently uncovered evidence of a dinosaur that loved to lift weights.

They've decided to call it hella sore.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Tutor78
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05
🚨︎ report
What weight division would Heisenberg be in if he were a boxer?

Welter Weight

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Razerdeg
πŸ“…︎ Jun 19
🚨︎ report
I lost some weight last month.

But now it found me again.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/theredditman111
πŸ“…︎ May 27
🚨︎ report
Later in Forrest Gump’s life, he puts on a little weight and opens a business collecting old plumbing materials.

It was called the Plump Gump Sump Pump Dump.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ May 18
🚨︎ report
How do you get to the weight room at Hogwarts?

Through the Dumbell door

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JCokeDaKilla
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
When people comment on my gaining weight, I like to call my Dad body.

My father figure.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 28
🚨︎ report
It's tough to admit that I'm using too much weight on my bench press.

I'm having a hard time getting this off my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
So I tried losing weight by not eating anything at all

But when morning came I had to break fast

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/the02guy
πŸ“…︎ May 02
🚨︎ report
I gain too much weight around the holidays

I need to stop eating cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/musingsofmadness
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29
🚨︎ report
I'm flying to Oslo tomorrow to receive an award for losing so much weight.

I've won a Nobellly Prize.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlRedux
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
I occasionally read tarot cards, with decent accuracy. Because of my weight and ability many call me a fat psychic.

I prefer the term β€œfour-chin tellerβ€œ.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Zuckerschneggle
πŸ“…︎ Apr 22
🚨︎ report
Loosing weight using the internet is so damn difficult. Like every weightloss website I visit,

I get cookies.

πŸ‘︎ 50
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyjarvis
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the obese man who liked to make fun of animals’ weights?

He was hippo-critical

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/guamo17
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17
🚨︎ report
Weight watchers
πŸ‘︎ 22
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HeroHirsch
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25
🚨︎ report
I tried to jump rope to lose weight

But I always end up skipping it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EmpireStrikes1st
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09
🚨︎ report
We got sent extra bumper plates for weight lifting.
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
She probably said, "Let's weight"
πŸ‘︎ 11k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Crypt0sh0t
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2019
🚨︎ report
There will probably be a surge in weight lifting related injuries since all the gyms have closed.

Everyone will try to pick up where they left off.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MrMatt88
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27
🚨︎ report
Losing weight in Great Britain is easy.

Everything costs a couple pounds

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/13toycar
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21
🚨︎ report
In the UK, weights are really expensive,

A 45 kilo kettle bell is 100 pounds!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kishenoy
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08
🚨︎ report
My wife lost weight and started seeing ghosts...

Now she’s a medium.

πŸ‘︎ 43
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/simmsnation
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02
🚨︎ report
My snowman is a bit fat, but it's all water weight. imgur.com/kwHfWB1
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kodyodyo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Fish must be very conscious their weight,

Because they always have scales.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VaiterZen
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06
🚨︎ report
A bag couldn’t handle the heavy weight
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Extrahub
πŸ“…︎ Oct 21 2019
🚨︎ report
I tried out a weight watchers group therapy session but no one would talk about their experiences.

There were just too many elephants in the room

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_Nightman_82
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06
🚨︎ report
My friend Wat never gains weight on vacation

Wat goes a round, comes a round

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jpereira73
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14
🚨︎ report
I’m not saying I need to lose weight, but

last week I jumped in the air and got stuck.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/loonmaster2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27
🚨︎ report
How did the book lose weight?

It got its appendix removed.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_nyonga
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01
🚨︎ report
What happens when you drop a 14 pound weight on 2 canaries?

You kill 2 birds with one stone.

πŸ‘︎ 32
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NSSupervisor
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife saw an ant picking up a leaf 5 times its body weight, and told me, β€œCan you imagine being that strong?”

So I picked up the leaf and said, β€œYes.”

πŸ‘︎ 10k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Someone was selling weights as 'never used'

So I picked one up and asked 'how much now?'

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Imagine if the Americans started using Kilograms to measure weight.

There would be mass confusion.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ifcarscouldspeak
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Weight Distribution in Layman Terms
πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend hates when I make jokes about her weight.

She needs to lighten up.

πŸ‘︎ 156
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
🚨︎ report
You know gaining weight actually makes anything more attractive

Gravitationally attractive that is

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BlueRac
πŸ“…︎ Nov 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Weight a minute!!!
πŸ‘︎ 60
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Death_By_Pun
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
It's been 6 months now since I joined the gym and I still haven't lost any weight....

Maybe it's time I went down there to see what's going on

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/B-man44
πŸ“…︎ Oct 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep trying to lose weight

but it keeps finding me

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/iknowthisischeesy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2019
🚨︎ report
The other day I was lifting weights on the bench press, when I dropped the weight and it fell on my chest. The nurse said I broke three ribs but I would live. That was a relief.

Hearing that lifted a weight off my chest.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Riyaz-Akhmed
πŸ“…︎ Oct 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a picture of a weight-lifting woman in a locket?

A strong independent woman.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/r_plantae
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when a weightlifter loses weight?

He becomes a lifter.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tigreye007
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call an elephant that makes fun of a hippo’s weight?

Hippo-critical.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear beer can make you lose weight?

It made bud light

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/michaelveyrocks
πŸ“…︎ Nov 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm thinking of writing a weight loss book

Mostly because it would apply to a wide audience.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ForcastProperly
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
He was just dead weight
πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Llewellie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I use the notches on my belt to monitor how much weight I'm losing

Every hole's a goal

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LashGips
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2019
🚨︎ report
If you die of obstipation what quantity of your body weight consists of excrement?

One turd

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/boetzie
πŸ“…︎ Oct 12 2019
🚨︎ report
A good air conditioner is worth its weight in cold
πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sylvver
πŸ“…︎ Jul 17 2019
🚨︎ report
What kind of pants did weight-lifters wear in the 1970s?

BarBell Bottoms

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Talon184
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2019
🚨︎ report
I didn't mean to gain so much weight.

It happened by snaccident.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/drozzi007
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Before I had weights, I used to work out by lifting cases of Coke.

I had to stop, because it was soda pressing.

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Mortambulist
πŸ“…︎ Jun 01 2019
🚨︎ report
My gf says to me,"I think I lost some weight"

I told her to look behind her.

And that's when the fight started.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shdchko
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My cat gained so much weight that I had to put her down

My arms got tired but I'll pick her up again later

πŸ‘︎ 76
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/JennaTalia22
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
🚨︎ report
New weights and measures
  1. The ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi2. 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton3. 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope4. Time between slipping on a peel and smacking the pavement = 1 bananosecond5. Weight an evangelist carries with God = 1 billigram6. Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knotfurlong7. 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Serling8. Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon9. 1,000,000 aches = 1 megahurtz10. Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower11. Shortest distance between two jokes = A straight line12. 453.6 graham crackers = 1 pound cake13. 1 million-million microphones = 1 megaphone14. 2 million bicycles = 2 megacycles15. 365.25 days = 1 unicycle16. 2000 mockingbirds = 2 kilomockingbirds17. 52 cards = 1 decacards18. 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 FigNewton19. 1000 milliliters of wet socks = 1 literhosen20. 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche21. 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin22. 10 rations = 1 decoration23.
... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2019
🚨︎ report
I’d like to lose some weight but I’ve got too much on my plate.
πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2019
🚨︎ report
I would lift weights...

But they're just too damn heavy!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a cow that lifts weights?

A BUFFalo.

πŸ‘︎ 27
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LeatherPainter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 04 2019
🚨︎ report
If you’ve gained weight and nobody wants to mention it, you are the elephant in the room reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife was complaining about her weight.

So I told her to hand me a lighter.

As she was holding it, I said, β€œThere. You got a little lighter now.”

I was never heard from again.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2019
🚨︎ report
Excess weight could soon be Canada’s second leading preventable cause of cancer, report says

It’s a heavy problem

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KfirLA
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm told pasta makes you gain weight

But I'm in for a penne so I'm in for a pound

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rhedkiex
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I've put on so much weight since I started eating clocks.

I always go back for seconds.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lukebilhamcarter
πŸ“…︎ Jun 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Normally my electronic scale shows a number, like "205". But today when I checked my weight, it just said "Low".

So I'm feeling pretty good about myself.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bondjimbond
πŸ“…︎ Jul 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Getting weights delivered to your house is so expensive!

It's best to just pick them up.

πŸ‘︎ 57
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mib_sum1ls
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2019
🚨︎ report
A side effect of gaining weight is often...

a waning gait.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Flexremmington
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
What do u tell someone when u want them to stop while lifting weights?

Weight a second

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CypherSky
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the Programmer lose weight?

Hey switched to a byte sized diet.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/9ine0ne0ne
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2019
🚨︎ report
I dunno why my parent's are so mad at me for not losing weight

I thought they wanted me to be well rounded

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/N0TZ0DD
πŸ“…︎ Jun 12 2019
🚨︎ report
I keep trying to lose weight

But it keeps catching up to me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jul 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I decided to wear ankle weights for yesterday's race and I came second

I think those things were dragging me down

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaperFoxie
πŸ“…︎ Jun 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Does anyone have any weight loss mantras?

Fat chants!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsTBlueBFF
πŸ“…︎ May 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Paul's an assistant at a butcher shop . He's 6 foot tall and wears a size 9 shoe . What does he weight ?

Meat.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Messicanhero
πŸ“…︎ Jun 07 2019
🚨︎ report
I've got a friend who is really punching above his weight.

His girlfriend's fucking massive.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/313weho
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
Someone should make a weight-loss book for incels

Called own the lbs

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EzlotheMinish
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2019
🚨︎ report
Bought some detox tea to loose weight.

It is sublime served with Chips Ahoy/Oreo.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goncaloperes
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Amazing new weight loss technique?

So I saw this crazy salesman trying to convince every passer-by that you can lose weight just by repeating a special series of weight loss mantras every day.

"Fat chance!" I called out, rolling my eyes.

"EXACTLY!!!" he replied.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/td941
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
How did the chicken loose weight

He egg-cercised

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/UbikTheCarGuy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the Trump supporter gain weight?

To own the lbs.

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1b1d
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2018
🚨︎ report
I wanted to gain some weight, so I got a job.
πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/i_am_thatman
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2019
🚨︎ report
Some friends of mine were talking about how eating pizza would make them gain weight

I responded by telling them that if I’m really patient, I gain wait

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/IHaveTenderLoins
πŸ“…︎ Apr 25 2019
🚨︎ report
weight loss
πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gavinefb
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call Jack-O-Lantern cousins who lift weights together?

Pump Kins

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/2donutkid2
πŸ“…︎ Oct 30 2018
🚨︎ report
Why was the fish so conscious about it’s weight?

Because it had too many scales

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/manly-potato
πŸ“…︎ Aug 31 2018
🚨︎ report
To the person who stole my weight loss pills........

You'll have nothing to gain.

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Godzilla_KOM
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2018
🚨︎ report
I bet my friend that i could lose more weight than him within the last month

I lost 10 pounds

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Killer4free
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2018
🚨︎ report
A person went on a low carb diet to lose weight...

They said β€œIt’s the keto my success!”

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hephsters
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2018
🚨︎ report

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