Today my mom came downstairs and asked me "Toes, how are you at fixing phones?"
I thought for a second and saw my opportunity, so I replied, "I would say I'm pretty good, but then I'd be a phony."
I'm so excited to be a dad.
How do you kill a blue elephant?
- With a blue elephant gun.
How do you kill a white elephant?
- Choke him till he turns blue, then use a blue elephant gun.
Did you know elephants paint their toenails to hide in bags of skittles? No? Have you ever seen an elephant in a bag of skittles? NO? WELL I GUESS IT WORKS!
All the guys in highschool band would call me a girl whenever my stomach would hurt after playing an instrument too long.
- Why'd it hurt your stomach? Minstrel Cramps.
I brought a girl over once and her name is Jessica. My father has a pretty severe case of tinnitus where he hears about 5-6 different tones at any given time. She announced her name and he thought it was Melissa for a few minutes. Eventually she corrected him.
He stared at her blankly for a moment and then asked, "Why'd you change your name Melissa? I think Melissa is a much nicer name."
Goddamnitdadwhyyoudothistome.
These are only a few. I practice very hard every day with my friends to become as punny and corny as a father should be with jokes. Someday I'll make him proud.
I was shaving off layers of my work boots' heels since they were worn in on one side, causing pain when walking.
After I finished I showed my wife the bits of rubber, "My Boots are heeled"
But my publisher told me that word games are not what I excel at.
I forgot the link.
I wanna ask a girl to prom this year, and I know she loves my puns, so I wanna pun my way to ask her. I feel this time it's okay to steal some ideas, for this to go well. :) can someone give me a good pun to help drop the question of going to prom together? Thanks so much!!! Wish me luck!!! :) :) :)
We were leaving a pet shop that had the standard assortment of fish, lizards, birds, and hamsters and my daughter said she wanted a fish. We have two cats and I told her that might be a bad idea. I then added that the big problem with fish is that you can't cuddle a fish like you can with cats. She responded by saying "you can with a cuttlefish."
She probably watches too many nature shows.
I came home today to a dark house, quickly learned that the power had been out for hours. Walked into my roomate's bedroom, they're sitting on the bed.
Me: "So I hear you're feeling a little... powerless."
I swear on all things holy that at that very fucking moment the lights flickered on. We just sat there in disbelief for a moment. My puns are that god damned good. I must use the power well (stealth pun PSA: love the environment).
It's called Punfound, on android and ios. Check it out!
Alright you punny people, I need help. I’m making a cake for a man. It’s his birthday, his wife is having a baby, and it is his last day at his current job. Current job is buying the cake and told me to write something funny including all the occasions. I’m not creative when put on the spot so I have completely drawn a blank on a great pun! Much appreciated!!
I’m building a website for a new cafe and Coworking space opening in the area. The owner loves humour and wants to reflect that in the site. Does anyone have any great puns or other humorous ideas to do with cafes or working spaces? Thanks a million!
I’m sending out a call to help me get a great pun for my routers name. All applicants are appreciated.
Great pun my dad posted to his facebook last night while we were at the pearl jam in Tampa... I didn't even notice until I got home:
"Doesn't get Eddie Vedder than this"
My friend is designing a t-shirt for Folk Fest and needs a witty, all-ages-appropriate pun to go on it, but neither her, nor I or my fiancee can come up with one. The image on the front is of a beardy man playing the tuba, with a bird (Cardinal, I think?) coming out of it that's playing the drums. Out of the bass drum is crawling a cracked-out-looking dude wearing flannel, who's playing the guitar-looking instrument, with arms coming out of that playing the triangle. A great pun for the shirt with the word "Folk" in it would be much appreciated, and I know you guys are good at making puns, so fire away! Reddit, lend me your puns!
I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his dad, and my boyfriend was telling us about his new job. Bf: “I’ll have to start waking up earlier than usual, I need to be up and at ‘em by 6.” Me: “Adam? I thought you were Matt!” Bf: “Wow...”
He sighed as his dad and I laughed and high fived, we had been making awful (or great?) puns all night. I may be a girl but I’ll definitely be in charge of the dad jokes when we have kids!
I'm working on a great pun but I can't figure out how to finish it, and I haven't had enough sleep (night shift).
"When parting, instead of adios, I'm going to start saying asiago. Yeah I know it's cheesy but..."
Anyone got any good finishers?
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Only driven from time to time.
This puns are so well polished, the put the take out the ai in spain, move the s to the back and add a u atter the p.
I was out looking at beds with the family.
Wife: "I really like this bed."
Me: "I like it too, but I think this one is bedder."
I got him the other books by Dickens though.
Bit of a let down if I'm honest.
But it ended on a high note.
It was a small price toupee.
Just the other day, he told me I have acute tonsillitis
Also me: I don't think it was that great, and neither do I!
Tod.
They are more organ-ized
It was as big as the last two combined!
My friend is having a daughter soon and has yet to come up with a name, so she made the mistake of asking for suggestions. I need help coming up with some great pun names to suggest to her. Some notes:
-
Her last name is Bridges.
-
As I said, it's a girl (so something like "London" is out).
-
I've already thought of Madison and Brooklyn.
Any suggestions?
.. really only driven from time to time.
