Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says βwhatβs your favorite kind of music?β
He replied βIβm a big metal fan!β
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︎ Mar 03 2021
How do you turn your tongue into a superhero?
You just bite it really hard. It will become Thor.
π︎ 64
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︎ Mar 11 2021
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
My turn!
π︎ 22
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︎ Mar 07 2021
2 muffins baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Gosh, it's hot in here". The other replies;
"AAAAHH! TALKING MUFFIN!"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
My son came in and asked me, "Why did the I turn into a frog?
Because he lives at I-hop.
(He was so proud of his dad joke, he asked me to post it... lol)
π︎ 35
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︎ Mar 16 2021
I had a crazy dream last night! I was swimming in an ocean of orange soda. Turns out it was just a Fanta sea.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 27 2021
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Did you know that Optimus Prime will turn into a monkey anytime he eats food?
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 05 2021
How do you turn a duck into a popstar?
Heat it in the microwave 'til it's Bill Withers
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 28 2021
I couldn't believe that someone said they were going to turn me into an animal.
π︎ 3
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...
Iβm really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
π︎ 10
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︎ Mar 08 2021
How do you turn six into nine?
π︎ 529
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︎ Nov 29 2020
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
π︎ 35
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?
Because they're neck romancers.
π︎ 16
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︎ Feb 06 2021
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
π︎ 22
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︎ Feb 26 2021
A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.
After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground.
"What do you think caused this?" One asked the other.
The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."
π︎ 4
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︎ Mar 09 2021
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I canβt see where Iβm driving
π︎ 145
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︎ Jan 10 2021
What happens when you give the Devil two eyes and turn him around?
He becomes Livid.
I'll see myself out now.
π︎ 167
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︎ Jan 16 2021
Turns out all my exes had COVID for years.
π︎ 13
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︎ Feb 27 2021
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
π︎ 94
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︎ Jan 14 2021
Hawaiin court over turns travel ban, says Muslims are welcome.
π︎ 11
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︎ Feb 24 2021
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?
π︎ 1k
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︎ Nov 08 2020
Turn your sofa into a sofa bed....
....by simply forgetting your wife's birthday.
π︎ 53
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︎ Jan 15 2021
I'm building my own guitar, but every time I look at the wood I've bought for it, I get overwhelmed by anxiety about how it will turn out.
I shouldn't have started with the fretboard.
π︎ 8
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︎ Feb 15 2021
The meteorologist didn't turn up for work.
He was under the weather.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 10 2021
I just went the doctors, turns out Iβm colourblind
The results came completely out of the purple!
π︎ 401
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︎ Dec 09 2020
My first attempt at making rye bread didnβt turn out great...
... guess something went awry
π︎ 5
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Had an unexpected delivery turn up at our house earlier, 2700 bananas.
Tonight, we eat like kongs.
π︎ 4
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︎ Dec 29 2020
Cupcake decorating took a turn on Valentine's day when my daughter got frosting all over the freezer
I told my wife to just leave it though since the freezer has an auto defrost feature
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 16 2021
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would try flowers and candy.
π︎ 6
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Have you ever seen a red toad? They turn that color when they eat red mushrooms.
If you donβt believe me, just go check some toadstool.
π︎ 3
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︎ Feb 16 2021
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, Iβm going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
π︎ 29
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Why did the tomato turn red?
It saw the salad dressing.
π︎ 12
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︎ Jan 29 2021
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
π︎ 5
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︎ Jan 11 2021
Do you know how coal turns into diamonds?
It coalapses underpressure!
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Have you seen that film about the onion that turns into a spider?
It's called Shallot's Web
π︎ 15
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︎ Jan 04 2021
Which way do dildos turn?
π︎ 10
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︎ Dec 13 2020
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
π︎ 2
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︎ Feb 04 2021
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 31 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
π︎ 40
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︎ Dec 03 2020
When does a dad joke turn into a bad joke?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jan 17 2021
How do you turn a fox into a cow?
π︎ 9
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︎ Dec 17 2020
Eight days in and this year looks like it might be as bad as last year. Possibly even worse. If it does turn out worse, well, you know what they say...
π︎ 14
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︎ Jan 09 2021
How do you turn bowls into plates?
π︎ 4
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︎ Jan 22 2021
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
π︎ 46
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︎ Oct 31 2020
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