The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...

"...40 second birthday". I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 32k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/amplifi-dash
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I turned off the fan because I was a bit cold...

I wonder why everyone else on the helicopter is panicking?

πŸ‘︎ 48
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VegetarianReaper
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
🚨︎ report
I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.

If one store goes down, they will all go down.

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rx3065
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"

Dad: "You pour thing."

πŸ‘︎ 34
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πŸ‘€︎ u/icemage27
πŸ“…︎ Dec 20 2020
🚨︎ report
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"

The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jfshay
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.

The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sodomicity
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A fog rolled in and turned my car into gold!

Must have been an alche-mist.

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SegavsCapcom
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cup…

… he was mugged.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KonoAnonDa
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
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My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...

β€œI’ve tea’d myself!”

Proud hubby here!

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dongwaffler
πŸ“…︎ Oct 25 2020
🚨︎ report
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.

I thought I thaw a pussycat.

πŸ‘︎ 101
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SayLittleDoMuch
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2020
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My friend called me in a panic and shouted, β€œAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!” Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...

...he’s really a big lyre.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/flamingkitten101
πŸ“…︎ Apr 29 2020
🚨︎ report
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, β€œHey, you missed a right”.

I said, β€œThanks babe. You MRS. right.”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.

It was a queso mistaken identity.

πŸ‘︎ 51
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Here's a math joke:My friend said he turned into y=1/x...

but I think he was just being hyperbolic

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GDGameplayer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2020
🚨︎ report
When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?πŸ€”
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Nexushead
πŸ“…︎ Aug 29 2020
🚨︎ report
When my Grandad turned 60, I told him to run a mile a day.

Now he’s 72 and I don’t know where he is.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lord_Aarsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?

Because they were all married but you

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/XBOXUSER101
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife

"I guess my dad was right after all"

...

"I am full of shit"

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mullattobutt
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
My friend got me a prostitute for my birthday, but he didn't know I'm turned off by bad teeth.

I didn't check though because you don't look a gift whore in the mouth.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
🚨︎ report
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.

My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Doogasa34
πŸ“…︎ Jul 12 2020
🚨︎ report
So it turned out the woman next door is a nudist.

I’m on the fence about it.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RedShirtCashion
πŸ“…︎ Jul 19 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a preist turned lawyer?

A father-in-law

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsOverAnakin_3
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
🚨︎ report
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. β€œWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.”...

β€œWow!” I said. β€œWas it some big corporation?”

β€œNo.” He replied, β€œI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.”

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mistermajik2000
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?

It was karmageddon!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bunytou
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field!

An oldie but a goodie.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/WellysBoot
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bot_10
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2019
🚨︎ report
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:

Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tataku999
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I tried watching Edward Scissorhands earlier. Turned out it was just a video of Tim Burton getting his hair done.

I then realised I'd picked up the director's cut

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AustralianGroan
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
🚨︎ report
Your mother's been turned into a bed.

You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Moonyasnow
πŸ“…︎ Jun 13 2020
🚨︎ report
If I turned into a horse

My head and neck hair would be my mane concern

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bobaex
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2020
🚨︎ report
The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it , it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jizzler_Rage_792
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My reply turned into a pun.
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/whatthehellsteve
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2020
🚨︎ report
A tadpole turned into a frog.

"Watch where you're going," said the frog.

πŸ‘︎ 27
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a world where the water has turned into Fanta?

A Fantasy

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CamelSkate
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2019
🚨︎ report
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch...

Got the cold shoulder :(

πŸ‘︎ 126
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πŸ‘€︎ u/--keeks--
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
I turned my daughter into a radio

She's not very e-static about it.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Eggsy_anon
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the artist that turned into a gelatin dessert?

MichelanJell-O

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TommehBoi
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
A woman in labor started shouting, β€œShouldn’t, wouldn’t, can’t don’t.” The doctor turned to the husband and said,

β€œDon’t worry, they’re only contractions.”

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2020
🚨︎ report
I paid five cents for a dad joke, but it turned out to be an empty, derivative imitation, overly commercialized and lacking any real soul or talent.

Now I want my Nickelback.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Konamicoder
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2020
🚨︎ report
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box

We don’t know who it belongs to, but we’re looking into it.

πŸ‘︎ 121
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πŸ‘€︎ u/abeily
πŸ“…︎ Dec 18 2019
🚨︎ report
I'm a turnip, turned down. Concerned, but I don't carrot all. I am what I yam. What am I?

Beets me

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DCCXXVIII
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2020
🚨︎ report
i was piloting a drone and had it going east. so i turned it 90Β°...

it all went south from there!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielpatters22
πŸ“…︎ Mar 07 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad gave me a locket with my photo in it when I turned 18.

I guess he wanted me to be in the pendant.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoggyCake0312
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
🚨︎ report
A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away

Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SkyStar1991
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2020
🚨︎ report
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."

...independent!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2018
🚨︎ report

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