The day I turned 42, my daughter walked up to me and said "happy...", and started timing on her watch. After a long silence she said...
"...40 second birthday".
I was so proud.
π︎ 32k
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I turned off the fan because I was a bit cold...
I wonder why everyone else on the helicopter is panicking?
π︎ 48
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︎ Dec 21 2020
I recently turned down an opportunity to open a Dominos Pizza store, because I thought it was too risky.
If one store goes down, they will all go down.
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︎ Dec 20 2020
"Dad! Help! I've been turned into a Water Jug!"
π︎ 34
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︎ Dec 20 2020
A husband and wife were at a marriage counselor. The wife complained, "he only talks about Star Wars! I've had it. I'm leaving him!" The counselor turned to the husband: "well?"
The husband looked at his wife and said, "divorce is strong with this one."
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︎ Nov 20 2020
I accidentally turned a wrong valve in the factory which disabled the central cooling system and increased the temperature abruptly. I wasn't able to do anything, so I fled the scene immediately.
The police are now charging me for a 'Heat and Run' incident.
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 01 2020
A fog rolled in and turned my car into gold!
Must have been an alche-mist.
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︎ Nov 18 2020
A thief broke into a guy's house, stole his stuff, killed the man, and turned him into a large cupβ¦
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 25 2020
My wife spilled tea on herself, and without a moments hesitation, turned to me and said...
βIβve teaβd myself!β
Proud hubby here!
π︎ 23
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︎ Oct 25 2020
I found what looked like a kitten frozen in my iced-over pool. I dug it out and let it defrost, it turned out to be a big squirrel.
I thought I thaw a pussycat.
π︎ 101
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︎ Sep 16 2020
My friend called me in a panic and shouted, βAn evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I donβt know what to do!β Frantically, I drove all the way to his house only to find out...
...heβs really a big lyre.
π︎ 6k
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︎ Apr 29 2020
We were driving yesterday, and suddenly my wife turned to me and said, βHey, you missed a rightβ.
I said, βThanks babe. You MRS. right.β
π︎ 32
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I thought I dipped my tortilla chip into a bowl of cheese sauce, but it turned out to be honey mustard.
It was a queso mistaken identity.
π︎ 51
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︎ Aug 15 2020
Here's a math joke:My friend said he turned into y=1/x...
but I think he was just being hyperbolic
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 08 2020
When a girl makes stupid decisions when she's turned on, can it be called clitical thinking?π€
π︎ 5
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︎ Aug 29 2020
When my Grandad turned 60, I told him to run a mile a day.
Now heβs 72 and I donβt know where he is.
π︎ 40
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︎ Aug 28 2020
You were on a boat, I turned around and looked back, there was not a single person but you, why?
Because they were all married but you
π︎ 2
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︎ Sep 22 2020
I came out of the bathroom with a sad look on my face and turned to my wife
"I guess my dad was right after all"
...
"I am full of shit"
π︎ 11
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︎ Aug 21 2020
I was taking my children on a tour of the largest territory in Canada, but they kept acting up so I turned around and went home.
My wife was mad about it, but I don't care! I was having Nunavut!
π︎ 4
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︎ Jul 12 2020
So it turned out the woman next door is a nudist.
Iβm on the fence about it.
π︎ 17
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︎ Jul 19 2020
What do you call a preist turned lawyer?
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 07 2020
When I turned 16, my dad told me it was time to get a job. βWhen I was your age, my very first job I had I worked with over 500 people under me.β...
βWow!β I said. βWas it some big corporation?β
βNo.β He replied, βI mowed the lawn in the cemetery.β
π︎ 11k
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︎ Jul 28 2019
Did you hear about the guy who used a racing game to get reputayion on Reddit, but it turned bad?
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 26 2020
Did you hear about the magic tractor? It went down the road and turned into a field!
π︎ 8
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︎ May 26 2020
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."
π︎ 2k
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︎ Oct 01 2019
Not a dad, but my neighbor who is a dad was proud of me for this one. He was helping me dig up trees and I turned to him upset and said:
Wow you just left me with a bunch of Ash-holes in my yard.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 22 2020
I tried watching Edward Scissorhands earlier. Turned out it was just a video of Tim Burton getting his hair done.
I then realised I'd picked up the director's cut
π︎ 30
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Your mother's been turned into a bed.
You put her out of her misery and commit matresscide.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 13 2020
If I turned into a horse
My head and neck hair would be my mane concern
π︎ 24
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︎ Feb 13 2020
The lions roar was so big that when I compressed it , it turned out to be a " .Rawr " file.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Apr 07 2020
My reply turned into a pun.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Feb 01 2020
A tadpole turned into a frog.
"Watch where you're going," said the frog.
π︎ 27
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︎ Mar 01 2020
What do you call a world where the water has turned into Fanta?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 25 2019
Turned up late to a cannibal lunch...
π︎ 126
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︎ Nov 16 2019
I turned my daughter into a radio
She's not very e-static about it.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Apr 21 2020
Did you hear about the artist that turned into a gelatin dessert?
π︎ 3
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︎ Apr 16 2020
A woman in labor started shouting, βShouldnβt, wouldnβt, canβt donβt.β The doctor turned to the husband and said,
βDonβt worry, theyβre only contractions.β
π︎ 12
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︎ Feb 26 2020
I paid five cents for a dad joke, but it turned out to be an empty, derivative imitation, overly commercialized and lacking any real soul or talent.
Now I want my Nickelback.
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 27 2020
A telescope turned up in our lost and found box
We donβt know who it belongs to, but weβre looking into it.
π︎ 121
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︎ Dec 18 2019
I'm a turnip, turned down. Concerned, but I don't carrot all. I am what I yam. What am I?
π︎ 18
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︎ Jan 23 2020
i was piloting a drone and had it going east. so i turned it 90Β°...
it all went south from there!
π︎ 5
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︎ Mar 07 2020
My dad gave me a locket with my photo in it when I turned 18.
I guess he wanted me to be in the pendant.
π︎ 10
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︎ Feb 23 2020
A family drove to Disney Land, but they turned back and drove away
Because they saw the sign, "Disney Land left"
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 17 2020
My daughter turned 18 today, so I bought her a locket and put her picture in it. As I gently placed it around her neck, chocking back the tears, I said, "Well, sweetheart, I guess you really are..."
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Mar 13 2018
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