Turned E Puns

95% of conversations between me & my aunt turn into pun wars.

Enjoy!

https://i.imgur.com/aGooknb.jpg

Turns out it's a non-prophet organization

Turns out, he only does odd jobs.

My how the stables have turned.

Edit: Wow guys, thanks for all the love!

but i turned myself around. isn’t that what it’s all about?

Edit: I posted this right before i went to bed. thank you all so much!!

and one of the furniture was very nice to me. It turned out to be hospitable.

But so far I've made two vases and a bowl and they turned out great!

and turned into a field!

But it turned out to be spam.

But it turned out it was an optical Aleutian.

Because you don’t turn your back on family.

Turns out the paper was jamming

Turns out there was a face off in the corner.

Turn the Key.

When I was young I was told I could be anyone I wanted. Turns out identity theft is a crime.

Turns out it was The Who that let the dogs out

But then I turned myself around

Turns out she was framed

Me: "But you already own her home."

Dad: -turning to daughter- "If you don't sleep with him, I will."

Credit to u/psybermonkey15

He turned over a new Leaf.

Turns out she cagey B

But it turns out I didn’t make it in thyme.

Found this on Twitter:

My pal, driving in fog, got pulled over. Cop says “What do we do when we encounter Mr Fog?”. My pal thinks “better humour him” so says “ We turn Mr Steering Wheel towards Mr Slow lane”. Cop says “No Sir, I said “What do we do when we encounter MIST OR FOG !”

Turns out I'm dyslexic and lacrosse intolerant

They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.

Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.

As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.

They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.

Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?

They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.

"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".

They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.

But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.

The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.

And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!

Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?

"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"

In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and

It’s something you can’t turn down!

Turns out they had a lot of trouble putting him in his coffin. Because everytime they put his right leg in, he put his right leg out.

They turned out to be real period pieces.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

Turns out it’s tomorrow.

Turns out, my house is pregnant.

Me: "Why turn one problem into two?"

Turns out I'm yak-tose intolerant

When she dies, she'll probably walk towards the light and turn it off.

He turned a deaf ear to them.

turns out it was just Saturday Night Fever!

One turns to the other and says, "I'll drive this thing if you man the gun."

Turns out he just needed a little space.

But I’m turning myself around

Because they turn into warehouses

Turns out it was just a bread herring.

I've two bulls who just love to fight //
they simply cannot be polite //
Just one needs to breed //
and so I'll proceed //
to castrate the weak one tonight

The procedure is safe, I insist //
if we make the blood flow desist //
to make bleeding halt //
do the "ball somersault" //
and give that whole sack a huge twist

To do this requires no skill //
I'll just need a quite large power-drill //
and a specialized clamp //
to hold on to that champ //
then turn it on fast- what a thrill!

It is clear this device should appeal //
to those who need bulls with less zeal //
I shall name this device //
with a drill and a vise //
the most perfect of names: "Steering Wheel!"

The stables have turned!

Turns out its a non-prophet organization

But then I turned myself around

Turns out identity theft is a crime