Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
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︎ Mar 24 2021
Have you ever noticed that people get SUPER offended if they have to tell them they have to wait their turn for Vietnamese food?
I mean, pho queue, people.
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︎ May 25 2021
A man turns up to a fancy dress party with no costume apart from a naked woman on his back.
He tells the host he has come dressed as a snail.
"But who's the woman?" The host asks, confused.
"Oh, This is Michelle"
This was my 6 year old cousins favourite joke for a while and it still cracks me up especially given the concerned looks the adults share when the joke starts
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Two Deer walk out of a gay bar. One of them turns to the other and says
βI canβt believe I blew 40 bucks in thereβ
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︎ Feb 02 2021
Two giant windmills are out on a hilltop. One turns to the other and asks, "what kind of music do you like? "
The other one says, "I'm a really big metal fan."
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Two wind turbines are standing in a wind farm..one turns to the other and says βwhatβs your favorite kind of music?β
He replied βIβm a big metal fan!β
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Why did the two monsters take turns to frighten the little kid?
Because sharing is scaring
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︎ May 08 2021
My wife and I had a huge argument as to whose turn it was to do laundry.
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︎ Mar 06 2021
I'm trying to get better at making jokes from blending words together, but all my attempts turn out bad
Despite all my effort, I can't produce more than a poormansteau at best
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I tried to become a stand up comedian, but it turns out that I am more of a "sit down" comedian.
After every joke I told, someone kept yelling "sit down"!
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︎ Mar 29 2021
So I was at Chiliβs the other day and when a waiter came to take our order, I asked him to turn the heat up and when he asked why
I replied it seems a bit chilly in here. Iβm now banned at all Chiliβs restaurants in the USA
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︎ Mar 26 2021
2 muffins baking in an oven. One turns to the other and says "Gosh, it's hot in here". The other replies;
"AAAAHH! TALKING MUFFIN!"
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︎ Mar 14 2021
Why did the highschool prom turn out to be such a joke?
The punchline was too long
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︎ Mar 18 2021
I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?
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︎ Nov 08 2020
I couldn't believe that someone said they were going to turn me into an animal.
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︎ Mar 18 2021
Two thistles are arguing over who has the better yard The one turns to the other and says "your dirt is way too loose, man, look" and yanks him up and out of the ground Second thistle looks up at the first and goes
"I artichoke you for that"
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︎ Mar 25 2021
My GPS just told me to turn around
Now I canβt see where Iβm driving
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︎ Jan 10 2021
2 snowmen out in a field, one turns to the other and says...
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︎ Feb 01 2021
Why do vampires bite people's necks to turn them undead?
Because they're neck romancers.
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︎ Feb 06 2021
I don't mind my geometry teacher asking me to draw a circle. But to then ask me to turn that circle into two equal parts?
That's where I draw the line.
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︎ Jan 14 2021
I waited all afternoon to get my Covid vaccine in our small remote village, by the time it was my turn, they were administering them by candlelight...
Iβm really not sure how effective they are, seems as if they are a shot in the dark.
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︎ Mar 08 2021
Physicists are playing hide and seek in the afterlife. It's Einstein turn to seek. He counts to 100, turns around and notices Newton in a 1m*1m square. Hah, Newton, I found you!
See Einstein, the problem here is that you discovered Pascal!
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︎ Feb 26 2021
A detective couple adopts a teenager who turns out to be a pyromaniac.
After spending a few days at a detective convention, they come home to find their house burned to the ground.
"What do you think caused this?" One asked the other.
The other just sighed and replied "It was most likely ourson (arson)."
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︎ Mar 09 2021
Happy New Year fellow dad jokesters! For 2021, Iβm going to turn all of my problems into opportunities.
Starting with my severe drinking opportunity
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︎ Dec 31 2020
It turns out the capitol rioter did NOT accidentally kill himself with a taser to the balls and the story was just made up to disrespect him...
I don't think anyone is shocked.
(Source: https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/capitol-riot-taser-death)
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︎ Jan 11 2021
My wife asked if I knew how to turn on the dishwasher.
I told her I would try flowers and candy.
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︎ Feb 13 2021
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
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︎ Oct 31 2020
My buddy Linux would always lead the lineup with a bunt and steal second shortly after. And no matter how bad I wanted to swing for the fences, if the batter before me didn't make first; coach would turn to me and say......
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︎ Feb 04 2021
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
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︎ Sep 27 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
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︎ Oct 29 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
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︎ Aug 23 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
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︎ Aug 26 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
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︎ Dec 06 2019
My son told me, βThe car manual says that I shouldnβt turn up the stereo to full volume.β
I said, βThatβs sound advice.β
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︎ May 05 2020
One melon turns to the other and asks, "Will you marry me?"
The other responds, "Yes, but we cantaloupe."
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︎ Dec 04 2020
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
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︎ Oct 11 2020
My satellite navigation told me to turn around....
Now I can't see where I'm going.
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︎ Nov 01 2020
What do doctors call the procedure to turn a female to male?
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︎ Aug 28 2020
My friend joined a cult who believe that weβll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... youβll be mist...
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︎ Aug 23 2020
As a globe restorer, I never turn down projects where I have to fill in missing countries or islands. But missing equators?
Thatβs when I draw the line.
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︎ Oct 08 2020
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
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︎ Sep 05 2020
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
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︎ Oct 12 2020
The GPS told me to turn around.
But then i couldn't see where I was driving.
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︎ Jan 11 2021
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
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︎ Jul 10 2020
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: Thatβs ....sound advice.
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︎ Dec 23 2019
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if itβs raining in Sweden?
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︎ Jul 02 2020
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