I heard that by law you need to turn on your headlights when itβs raining in Sweden
How the hell am I supposed to know when itβs raining in Sweden?
π︎ 1k
π
︎ Nov 08 2020
Why did the pianist turn around on his way to the grocery store?
He forgot his Chopin Liszt.
π︎ 45
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
The day my daughter turns 18, Iβm going to buy her a locket, put her picture in it, and when she opens it tell her:
βWell, I guess now you really areβ¦ independent"
π︎ 61
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Two burglars are robbing a liquor store. One turns to the other and asks "Is this whiskey" ?
The other replies, "Yeah, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
π︎ 212
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
My satellite navigation told me to turn around....
Now I can't see where I'm going.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says
How the heck do we drive this thing?
π︎ 176
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
As a short guy, I was completely sure there was nothing to be done about my height. I went to the doctor, turns out I had scoliosis.
π︎ 224
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
A little girl turns to her mother and asks, "What is that rasta man cooking behind us?"
The mother turns around to look and says, "I don't know sweetie. What Jamaican?"
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
As a globe restorer, I never turn down projects where I have to fill in missing countries or islands. But missing equators?
Thatβs when I draw the line.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
What do doctors call the procedure to turn a female to male?
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 28 2020
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work. I got chatting to him, and it turns out he is a pilot on furlough, earning a bit of cash.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
My wife and I were having this huge argument as to whose turn it is to do laundry.
Finally, I threw in the towel.
π︎ 134
π
︎ Jul 10 2020
My son told me, βThe car manual says that I shouldnβt turn up the stereo to full volume.β
I said, βThatβs sound advice.β
π︎ 2k
π
︎ May 05 2020
My friend joined a cult who believe that weβll all turn to water and be evaporated into a bigger life force...
I said... youβll be mist...
π︎ 63
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
My teacher told me to turn in my essay...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 04 2020
Told my wife when she turns 40, I was gonna have to trade her in on 2, 20's
She said that I wasn't wired for it.....
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 05 2020
It turns out that Ron's cameo had nothing to with the real plot of Fantastic Beasts.
It was quite a good red herring.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
A guy says he taught his dog Morse code. "Aye right Show me." Mate says. Guy turns to dog and asks "who's been a good boy then?" Dog uses paw on ground. Tap tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap pause tap pause tap long pause tap tap tap pause tap. "what he say?" Mate asks
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Dec 06 2019
How did Trump manage to turn all his horse shit into a presidency?
Because heβs a stable genius.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
I lost my watch at a party once, turns out there was a guy harassing a woman while stepping on my watch. I went over to him a punched him, saying, βNo one does that to a woman...
π︎ 13
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
What happens to cars when they turn 13 years old?
π︎ 4
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
There are plans to turn Kodak into a pharmaceutical company
But the plans are underdeveloped
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
I was sitting on the toilet at 11:59 p.m. and noticed the clock turn to midnight.
I thought, βSame shit. Different day.β
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 04 2020
I have had a decorator in this week. Turns out he is normally a Pilot for BA, but has been furloughed due to Corona.
He did a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 11 2020
Around the turn of 1900, two Friars move to London to start up a florist shop. Well this didn't sit well with the established florist shop down on the corner.
The other shop owner called his buddy to have someone trash their store. They sent Hugh, big guy like 6'3'' 300pounds. Hugh goes in and busts the store up and scares the Friars off, sending them back to the monastery.
The moral of the story is, Hugh and only Hugh can prevent Florist Friars.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jul 05 2020
After days I finally found the thing to turn the TV on with.
It was in a very remote place.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 01 2020
After the most historic series of fires ever, an arsonist goes into the police station to turn himself in.
It was his claim to flame
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
Watching John Wick 2 the other night. While Keanu and Common are fighting while both holding the knife the tables turn and Keanu flips the knife around and thrusts it into Commons chest...again while both holding the grip. To which I turn to to my family and say
At least the both have something "in" common.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 06 2020
Before I became a dad, I was terrified I wouldn't know how to be a good one. Oddly enough, it turns out, it's in my blood!!
I come from a long line of fathers...
π︎ 29
π
︎ May 15 2020
I went to America once and tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
π︎ 4
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
I recently took an airline to court after my luggage didnβt turn up...
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Sep 11 2019
I hate it when I forget to turn off the toaster
I guess you can say I'm black toast intolerant
π︎ 17
π
︎ Mar 29 2020
Recipe said to turn the oven 360 degrees
But that just got my oven back where it started and my foods still not done.
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 01 2020
Today I tried to turn the lights on
They couldn't see my G-string in the dark
π︎ 3
π
︎ May 28 2020
[Tribute to the singer/songwriter who passed away today] How do you turn a duck into a soul musician?
Put it in the microwave until its bill withers.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Apr 04 2020
Long time lurker, wanted to share a joke that will turn this subreddit upside down.
π︎ 5k
π
︎ Mar 22 2019
A man who lived by the sea grew a cucumber so large he was able to turn it into his house.
One day a storm flooded the area with seawater and damaged his home... now he's in a pickle.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Apr 02 2020
Two parrots are sitting on a perch. One turns to the other and asks, "do you smell fish?
π︎ 116
π
︎ Nov 16 2019
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in.
Even between the laughing and joking, the women in front of me insisted that we swap places, so I could get mine first.
I thought to myself at last a decent punchline
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 28 2020
Turns out that the coronavirus is set to cost the world 2.5% of the global GDP if it continues at the rate it's going.
It's very influenzial on the worldwide market.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Feb 28 2020
I had a hard time figuring out how to turn on the lights in my new apartment.
π︎ 41
π
︎ Dec 30 2019
I was at a concert of which a Scandinavian woman was playing on stage, one of my friends turns to me and remarks βI wonder if sheβs from Swedenβ another friend says βmaybe Norway?β My final friend asks βdo you thinks sheβs Finnish?β
I boastfully reply βI fucking hope not sheβs only been on five minutesβ
π︎ 27
π
︎ Dec 12 2019
Yesterday I decided to turn over a new Leaf.
I'm now banned from all Nissan dealerships.
π︎ 16
π
︎ Oct 10 2019
Son: By law, you are actually required to turn on your headlights if if is raining in Sweden
Dad: Okay, but how the hell do I know if itβs raining in Sweden?
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
Two goldfish are in a tank, one of them turns to the other and says
Hey! Whoβs gonna drive this thing?
π︎ 23
π
︎ Jun 17 2020
My son: The manual in the car says not to turn up the volume of the stereo to the maximum.
Me: Thatβs ....sound advice.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Dec 23 2019
Weβve just had a decorator in to do some work on the house. I got chatting to him and it turns out he is a British Airways pilot whoβs been furloughed and earning a bit of extra cash.
He made a lovely job of the landing.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 09 2020
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
