A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, “Get out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"
And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".
A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.
One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.
"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.
Three legged dog hobbles into a saloon. Looks around and says...
“Alright, who shot my paw!”
Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"
Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"
A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said “it’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”.
Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling
If you look into the dark side
The dark side looks black.
So a penguin, a priest and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:
What is this, some sort of a joke?
A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."
So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.
As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"
The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.
Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.
So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.
The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".
So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.
The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.
But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"
One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, “You are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”
The weasel asks, “What can I have?”
The bartender replies, “I have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
“Pop!” goes the weasel..
A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, “Have you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.
The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, “I hate when that happens.”
My girlfriend says she can see what I'm thinking when she looks into my eyes
I hate when she takes my words out of contacts
A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What's your pleasure?".
He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."
A Roman soldier walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, hold ups two fingers and says..
Two fish are swimming. One runs into a concrete wall. He look at his friend and says
Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender looks at him and says “what’s with the steering wheel?”
Pirates says “Aaarrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”
My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"
She smiled and said "No"
I said "One day, One day"
A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...
"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."
Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:
"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"
A hardboiled egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says,
"Sorry we don't serve breakfast here"
A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Hey, did you know we have a drink named after you?”
The grasshopper replies, “Really? You have a drink named ‘Steve’?”
My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...
"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.
The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."
"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"
"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.
"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.
"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."
"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"
"Rustlin'" says the bartender.
The doctor walked into the room with a sad look on his face and handed me a new born baby
He told me “sorry your wife didn’t make it”
I then handed him the baby back and said “well bring me the one my wife made”
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blänket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.
“Pull yourself together.”
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"
The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"
Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"
The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."
Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"
...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."
So I went into a library to look for books on turtles..
Me: "Do you have books on turtles?"
Librarian leaves and comes back after a few minutes.
Librarian : "Hard back?"
Me:"Yeah,with a little head."
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks:
"Wait a minute. Is this some kind of joke?"
A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around
The bar tender looks a him and says "who are you looking for?" to which the dog replies "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw".
why do people look into mirrors?
to reflect on how they look
Turns ot the busts on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland don't actually look at you. They're just carved into the wall.
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,
“I’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says
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