Look into it.
πŸ‘︎ 157
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Toe-knail
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2021
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A rope walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says says, β€œGet out. We don’t serve rope in here.” So the rope goes out, cuts itself in two before tying the two sections together. It then pulls out a comb and combs its ends. The rope then walks back into the bar.

The bartender says, β€œHey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”

The rope replied, β€œNo. I’m a frayed knot.”

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2020
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A bell curve walked into a plastic surgeon's office and said "Doctor, I don't like the way I look"

And the doctor said, "You look normal to me".

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EgonVector
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2020
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A man is walking down the street when he looks into an alley and sees 2 sharks standing up.

One shark hands the other one a small packet full of some suspicious white powder.

"That's some fishy business" the man remarks.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ParadoxXSchock
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
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Three legged dog hobbles into a saloon. Looks around and says...

β€œAlright, who shot my paw!”

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Turkey walks into a bar. The bartender looks a little confused and asks "who are you?" Turkey replied "I'm a wild turkey." Bartender replied "oh we have a drink named after you!"

Turkey says "blulululu awesome, bring me a Kevin!"

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 02 2020
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We shall look into this
πŸ‘︎ 191
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FabulousStomach
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2020
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A pregnant co-worker walked into the office the other day. I took a look at her baby bump and said β€œit’s becoming apparent that you’re becoming a parent”.

Stay safe everyone and try to keep smiling

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ascott1963
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2020
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If you look into the dark side

The dark side looks black.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OtsuKotsu
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2020
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So a penguin, a priest and a giraffe walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says:

What is this, some sort of a joke?

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GotMyOrangeCrush
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2020
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A lost dog strays into the jungle one day. From a distance, a lion sees this and thinks to himself, "Hmmm, this guy looks edible, I've never seen his kind before."

So the lion starts running towards the dog with menace but the dog notices this and starts to panic.

As he's about to run he sees some bones on the ground next to him, gets an idea and says loudly, "Mmm... That was some good lion meat!"

The lion screeches to a halt and says, "Woah! This guy seems tougher then he looks, I better leave while I can" and then runs away.

Over in a tree, is a monkey who sees everything and realizes the he can benefit from this situation by telling the lion what happened and getting something in return.

So the monkey finds the lion and tells him what really happened.

The lion says to the monkey angrily, "Get on my back, we'll get him together".

So the monkey climbs on the lion's back and they start rushing back to the dog.

The dog sees them, realizes what has happened and starts to panic even more.

But then he gets another idea and shouts, "Where is that monkey!?! I told him to bring me another lion an hour ago!"

πŸ‘︎ 143
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ May 05 2019
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One day, a fourteen-year-old weasel walked into a local pub. The bartender took one look at him and says, β€œYou are under-aged. I can’t serve you beer.”

The weasel asks, β€œWhat can I have?” The bartender replies, β€œI have bottled water, juice, energy drinks, and pop.”
β€œPop!” goes the weasel..

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lavacadotoast
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2019
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A guy walks into a bank, walks up to the teller and asks, β€œHave you ever gone someplace and forget what you’re there for?” The teller looks at him, her eyes getting larger and larger.

The guy scratches his head with his gun saying, β€œI hate when that happens.”

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2019
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My girlfriend says she can see what I'm thinking when she looks into my eyes

I hate when she takes my words out of contacts

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alecksface
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2020
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A necrophiliac walks into a bar. The bartender looks up and says "What's your pleasure?".

He replies "I'd love to have a cold one."

πŸ‘︎ 60
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πŸ‘€︎ u/phillydog1
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2019
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A Roman soldier walks into a bar, looks at the bartender, hold ups two fingers and says..

"Let me get five beers."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/chuckyocouch_
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2019
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Two fish are swimming. One runs into a concrete wall. He look at his friend and says

Dam

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/got_nohandz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2019
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Pirate walks into a bar with a steering wheel attached to his crotch. Bartender looks at him and says β€œwhat’s with the steering wheel?”

Pirates says β€œAaarrrrrr it’s driving me nuts!”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/weiderman316
πŸ“…︎ Feb 03 2019
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My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"

She smiled and said "No"

I said "One day, One day"

πŸ‘︎ 274
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danspud69
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
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A panda walks into a restaurant and orders a sandwich. When he receives the check, he pulls out a gun, fires it several times, then walks out the door. If you don't get it look up "panda" in the dictionary ...

"Panda: A large black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China; eats shoots and leaves."


Since today Merriam Webster even has the word dad joke:

"a wholesome joke of the type said to be told by fathers with a punchline that is often an obvious or predictable pun or play on words and usually judged to be endearingly corny or unfunny"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/istrebitjel
πŸ“…︎ Sep 18 2019
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A hardboiled egg and a piece of bacon walk into a bar, the bartender looks up and says,

"Sorry we don't serve breakfast here"

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacB1
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2019
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A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, β€œHey, did you know we have a drink named after you?”

The grasshopper replies, β€œReally? You have a drink named β€˜Steve’?”

πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Blake4Bama
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2019
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My wife drove our German car off the pier into the sea. The next day I went diving to look for it.

I got the Benz.

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wabisabi68
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A cowboy walks into a bar and orders a drink. When the bartender delivers it, the cowboy looks around and notices the bar is completely deserted other than himself and the bartender...

"Where is everybody? This place is usually packed this time of day," the cowboy says.

The bartender replies, "They've gone to the hangin'."

"The hangin'? Who are they hangin'? Anybody I'd know?"

"Brown Paper Pete," says the bartender.

"Never Heard of him. Why do they call him Brown Paper Pete?" the cowboy asks.

"Well," says the bartender, "he wears a brown paper hat, brown paper shirt, brown paper pants, a brown paper vest, and brown paper shoes."

"Well I don't reckon I know anyone like that," says the cowboy. "What're they hangin' him for?"

"Rustlin'" says the bartender.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wgwalkerii
πŸ“…︎ Mar 13 2019
🚨︎ report
The doctor walked into the room with a sad look on his face and handed me a new born baby

He told me β€œsorry your wife didn’t make it”

I then handed him the baby back and said β€œwell bring me the one my wife made”

πŸ‘︎ 136
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πŸ‘€︎ u/alexbeltran43
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2017
🚨︎ report
One time a German tourist dove into a river to save someone's dog. When he came back, he said to the owner, "Here iz ze dog, put him in a blΓ€nket so he iz dry and warm." The owners ask him, "How do you know, are yoy a vet?" The German looks at them blankly, "Vet? Im fucking soaking!"
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SpillsMcDribble
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2019
🚨︎ report
They rushed me into the hospital with all my limbs detached, screaming in pain, but the doctor took one look at me and rolled his eyes.

β€œPull yourself together.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jollyben
πŸ“…︎ Apr 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Hopalong Happychopper walks into the saloon and the bartender says, "Howdy stranger, ain't seen you in these parts, so you must be here to watch the hanging!" Hopalong looks the bartender menacingly in the eyes and replies, "Nope, but seeing we're talking, who are you hanging?"

The bartender responds, "Well, ain't you heard cowboy, we gonna string up Brown Paper Rattler mighty high, even the angels are gonna hear his neck break!"

Hopalong asks, "Why they call him Brown Paper Rattler?"

The bartender chuckles, "Why, old Rattler wears a brown paper Stetson, a brown paper waistcoat and even right down to brown paper socks."

Puzzled, Hopalong then asks, "So why you hanging him?"

...and the bartender replies, "For rustling."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2019
🚨︎ report
So I went into a library to look for books on turtles..

Me: "Do you have books on turtles?"

Librarian leaves and comes back after a few minutes.

Librarian : "Hard back?"

Me:"Yeah,with a little head."

πŸ‘︎ 24
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tanglimara
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
A Priest, a Rabbi and a Minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and asks:

"Wait a minute. Is this some kind of joke?"

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rocknocker
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2018
🚨︎ report
A three legged dog from the wild west walks into a bar and looks around

The bar tender looks a him and says "who are you looking for?" to which the dog replies "I'm looking for the guy who shot my paw".

πŸ‘︎ 36
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πŸ‘€︎ u/themannamedme
πŸ“…︎ Nov 21 2016
🚨︎ report
why do people look into mirrors?

to reflect on how they look

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/upcomingdrawer
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2016
🚨︎ report
Turns ot the busts on the haunted mansion ride at Disneyland don't actually look at you. They're just carved into the wall.

So that's a releif.

πŸ‘︎ 25
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FremanKynes
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
🚨︎ report
E-flat walks into a bar. The bar tender looks up and says,

β€œI’m sorry. We don’t serve minors.”

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/labink
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2020
🚨︎ report
A neutron walks into a bar and asks how much for a drink, bartender looks at him and says

"for you, no charge."

πŸ‘︎ 91
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dudeinthepnw
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2019
🚨︎ report

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