This Evening Puns

It was open Mike night.

Traffic is described as being stationery...

He won’t go near the crypt tonight.

People had enough of me carrying it around.

It’s a good thing his bedroom is soundproof

Because you will see nothing if you sit behind it.

We were discussing an upcoming business trip I'm taking you next week, when he says:

"So what's taking you there, other then the plane?"

Smooth Dad, real smooth.....

Customer: Oh it was easy, I just looked under the parsley

He was still there on the return trip. He was quite deadicated.

I got absolutely battered

I'm pulling an all-knighter.

I guess you could call it a boo-tea call.

He parts it.

I'm sure its totally unoriginal but it was so stupidly hilarious at the time (hes about 65).

I was laying down when she came up and asks me, "Could you help me pick up the living room and dining room?"

I looked at her and told her, "I'm not sure I can do that."

She looks back at me with a raised eyebrow, "And why us that?"

"Because," I told her, "those are the two heaviest rooms in the house."

Walking to the car and we both noticed the moon was unusually large, so I ask him "Is that a new moon?"

His reply without skipping a beat "No, I'm sure it's been there a while."

Brothers GF: Our manager is on holidays so for the next few days I will be the standing manager at our location! Dad: What, thet don't have any chairs where you work? Queue groans

"Did you hear about the new movie, Constipation?"

"It hasn't come out yet."

&

"This guy went to a zoo. The only animal they had was a dog."

"It was a shih tzu."

"Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?"

Obama frowned, and then asked, "But how do I know if the people around me are really intelligent?"

The Queen took a sip of champagne.

"Oh, that's easy; you just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle"

The Queen pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Tony Blair in here, would you?"

Tony Blair walked into the room and said, "Yes, your Majesty?"

The Queen smiled and said, "Answer me this please Tony. Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?"

Without pausing for a moment, Tony Blair answered, "That would be me."

"Yes! Very good." said the Queen.

Obama went back home to ask Joe Biden the same question. "Joe, answer this

for me."

"Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's

not your sister. Who is it?" "I'm not sure," said Biden.

"Let me get back to you on that one." He went to his advisers and asked everyone, but none could give him an answer.

Frustrated, Biden went to work out in congressional gym and saw Paul Ryan there.

Biden went up to him and asked, "Hey Paul, see if you can answer this question." "Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Paul Ryan answered, "That's easy, it's me!" Biden smiled, and said, "Good answer Paul!" Biden then, went back to speak with President Obama. "Say, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle."

"It's Paul Ryan!"

Obama got up, stomped over to Biden, and angrily yelled into his face,

"NO, You idiot! It's Tony Blair!"

...AND THAT MY FRIENDS IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

As soon as I get home for the weekend he opens with the question: "Do you know why there are a lot of Scots called Donald but very few called Walt? Most people say it's because they think Walt is an English name but that's not true. It's because Walt always hits his head on the door. Why?

(In the worst Scottish accent imaginable) Because Donald Ducks but Walt Disney.

I bet these guys...

Mom (watching American Idol): You sure don't see a whole lot of black cowboys on tv.

Dad: Sure you do, I saw a whole team of them get their asses kicked last sunday.

Me: What'd you eat for lunch today? Him: I had General Tso's chicken. And he was NOT happy about it.

We were out of paper towels in the kitchen and we keep the extra rolls in our linen closet. He was walking by so I asked him to grab a new roll. As he walked into the kitchen he announced that the paper towels were out of the closet and he supported their right to marry.

Girlfriend: "What are you up to?"

Me: "Watching a movie."

Girlfriend: "Which one?"

Me: "This is Where I Leave you."

Girlfriend: "Oh, I'll talk to you when you get back then."

Optometrist: It's crazy. People will spend their money on purses, shoes, Starbucks, but they won't spend money on their eye health.

Me: Ah well. You see the world through a different lens.

•_•)>⌐■-■

(⌐■_■) ^^new ^^glasses

I suppose you could say I'm stuck between a wok and a hard plaice.

Friend: I have to go out and buy a new tire for my car tomorrow.

Me: That sounds tiring.

Friend: groan Yeah, it will cost $200.

Me: Why are you buying from a tyrant?

Long pause

Friend: I'm not even going to respond to that.

(A few minutes later)

Me: I'm sorry about the jokes, but you made it too easy to keep them rolling.

Friend: Please stop.

Dad: Did you add sugar to that spaghetti sauce you gave me? The meatballs I cooked in them last night came out kind of sweet.

Me: Nah, Dad. You just made sweetish meatballs.

I could see the pride in his eyes.

I lead the worship team at church and I'm the only one with a key to the instrument room. I went to get the key and when I came back, my keyboardist was banging his head on the door over and over.

I said, "were you just gonna try breaking it down like that? I do have a key."

He replied, "well, I thought I was making good headway."

He may have a head injury. Also, he's in his fifties.

Needed a ride home from school today.

Me- "Hey dad, can you pick me up?" Dad- "Sure. You can't be that heavy."

I am proud I got his genes.

Walked into the room and asked

"What has two thumbs and burps"

did two thumbs up, burped and left the room.

The only response I got was Daaaaaddd

Our 9 year old son kept asking if we knew a good place with an echo.

My husband kept responding "echo location". It drove our son nuts.

Wife: my hot chocolate is too hot.

Me: well maybe you should have had warm chocolate.

Wife: -_-

I was filling out some labels at the post office today when I overheard a little girl ask her dad if they could buy some bubble wrap.

His response, "No...sorry to burst your bubble!"

I could not contain my laughter and laughed very hard. He gave me a smile and I told him that everyone can appreciate a great dad joke.

Waiter: "Here's that bottle of wine I'm sure you were waiting for."

My dad: "We were waiting with bated breath! Wait, if you've just eaten sushi, are you waiting with baited breath?"