Take it easy people. Pretty soon you'll be able to kiss and have sex with the one you love.
But for now, stay at home and do it with the one you're married to.
My elderly neighbor had some landscapers take care of his lawn every weekend for several years. Recently, he hired a new crew, but forgot to fire the old crew. So this weekend they both showed up to mow his lawn, and got into a fight over who should be there.
He had no idea he had started a turf war.
The doctor insisted I take a milk bath, so I asked her if it need to be pasteurized...
She said no, just above the knees.
If you are visiting Rome, be forewarned: it might take you a long time to get out of the city.
All their roads seem to have this weird design flaw.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
I want to create a birth control pill that you take just before sex. The pill could even be mint flavored.
I’ll call them pre dick a-mints
DadProTip: When you back out of a parking space, be sure to say "Thiiiis takes me back" every time your kids are in the car.
It would be pretty expensive to take care of Rocket Raccoon
He would probably cost you an arm and a leg
My employee asked me what does it take to be a star performer..
Me: Mostly Hydrogen and Helium
I can’t be the only one thinking this... it must take a real set of balls to become a sperm donor
Whenever I encountered one of life's little traumas, my Dad would take me to one side and say "it could be worse - you could be submerged in water twenty foot down a dark shaft"
Bless him - He meant well
You can take a horse to water, but an energy saving light has to be LED.
We were driving across state over the holidays and my 4 year old tells us she has to pee. We just happened to be almost to an exit with several gas stations to take her. I proudly proclaimed ‘Urine luck! There are plenty of places to go at this exit!’ Sadly, I only got an eye roll from my wife.
Why should dads not be allowed to take temperatures?
Because it’s called a thermometer not a therdadeter.
How long will it take for Rammstein's new album to be released?
'Till Lindemann has finished the lyrics.
Explanation: Till Lindemann is the vocalist of the band, they usually have lyrics in their songs so they will have to be finished to be included in the album.
You’re walking down the road and you feel something in your shoe. You take off your shoe and find a smaller shoe inside. What would be the only way to describe that?
How much volume does a person have to take up to be cute?
Son: dad, what does it mean to be a man? Dad: It means to be the one that command! To be the one that take all the decisions at home.
One day I want to be a man like mom :)
My girlfriend and her younger sisters (21 and 9) were adopted by lesbian parents. I'm going to be the only dad joke source in their lives and it's a big responsibility that I take seriously. Any suggestions are welcomed.
For the youngest siblings recent 9th birthday I put 9 dollars in a block of ice (had to bribe a local butcher shop to let me put a cooler in their freezer, worth it) But I need some long term ideas, because I intend to show this family with a lack of dads the full scope of dad jokes
The waiter at dinner told me there would be no charge. All I had to do was take off my fake hair.
It takes guts to be an organ donor
It really takes guts to be an organ donor.
It takes guts to be an organ donor.
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