I asked the surgeon if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

"Go ahead," he said, "Knock yourself out."

πŸ‘︎ 25
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06
🚨︎ report
A surgeon had three surgeries assigned to the same day. After the first one he said: "One done, tumor to go"
πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pilot230
πŸ“…︎ May 08
🚨︎ report
My butt surgeon was top notch

He came highly rectal-mended

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hotsprings1234
πŸ“…︎ May 06
🚨︎ report
How did the hyperactive surgeon justify the failure of his last surgery?

"I ran out of patients!"

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CTMaximus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24
🚨︎ report
I took my surgeon friend to an ochestra night yesterday - It went from good to great when he excitedly told me his favourite part was coming up...

... I had no idea he was such a big fan of that organ solo..!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Alamerona
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10
🚨︎ report
What do African brain surgeons like to do in the summer

They like to go Hippo-CAMP-us

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tjeters
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgeon that operates on dinosaur hearts?

A Cardio Jurassic Surgeon

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PieceMaker42
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25
🚨︎ report
What is the surgeon's favorite instrument?

The organ

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Bisc8-Capitalista
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2019
🚨︎ report
My bald headed surgeon friend is the most charismatic person I know.

He’s a real smooth operator.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2019
🚨︎ report
Every operation a cardiac surgeon performs is heartfelt
πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyeyedmcgee
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2019
🚨︎ report
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 21
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 16 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you know the surgeon from The Human Centipede was in financial trouble?

He was just trying to make ends meet.

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/KitchenNo1
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Gender reassignment surgeons should be called trans formers
πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Trtlman
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2019
🚨︎ report
Why are Surgeons so annoying?

They always get under people’s skin

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the ER Nurse say to the belligerent, know-it-all surgeon, who came in with a large laceration?

"Well fine, then. Suture self."

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsUneek
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2019
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgeon who specializes in pigs?

A pigeon

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/realistic_pan
πŸ“…︎ Jul 29 2019
🚨︎ report
Why did the surgeon dress up a bee to remove a stinger from the patient?

Because that’s how a sting operation works.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Brainsonastick
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who insisted on closing up his own incision?

Suture self.

πŸ‘︎ 307
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/matrose9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 27 2018
🚨︎ report
I used to know this surgeon.

He was a very good surgeon, his specialty was performing circumcisions. He was so good at it he didnt feel the need to charge, he just kept the tips.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roguehunter1985
πŸ“…︎ Aug 23 2019
🚨︎ report
My bald surgeon friend is the most charismatic guy I know.

He is a real smooth operator.

πŸ‘︎ 45
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2019
🚨︎ report
A surgeon was about to perform heart surgery when he received notice that the replacement was delivered to his house!

Home is where the heart is.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2019
🚨︎ report
Went to a surgeon to have my spine removed...

It was just holding me back.

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Dec 09 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the tree surgeon who was found to be hiding escaped convicts up trees in his garden?

He was charged with arboring criminals

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hairyfacedhooman
πŸ“…︎ Jul 21 2019
🚨︎ report
A tree surgeon’s girlfriend broke up with him.

He pined fir her fir months.

Knock on wood, they will someday get back together.

(Sorry, this joke wasn’t great... just oak-kay.)

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Feb 09 2019
🚨︎ report
That brain surgeon really opened my mind.
πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 29 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a friend who's a surgeon that moonlights as a comedian

He likes to leave everyone in stitches.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/norrisrw
πŸ“…︎ May 09 2019
🚨︎ report
I just watched a TED talk by a rhinoplasty surgeon

It was good, but the title was a little on the nose.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Connectikatie
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2019
🚨︎ report
The surgeon was about to perform keyhole surgery on me...

... but I decided it would be easier just to unlock the door and let him in.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mtcarr79
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you tell a coroner from a surgeon?

It's a dead giveaway.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tokyo-dawn
πŸ“…︎ Mar 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What's kind of surgeon receives the most awards?

Dentists. They receive a new kind of plaque almost every day!

πŸ‘︎ 64
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Xenoblade013
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2018
🚨︎ report
Got my son's surgeon today pretty good.

My infant has a pretty flat head, when I took him to the doctor's office to get a referral for a helmet to shape his head, they asked what his name was.

I told them, "Well, his name is ___, but we like to call him Phillips to encourage him."

I got some truly authentic guffaws, and my dadjoke confidence rose a bit. I feel like I may be getting the hang of this.

πŸ‘︎ 102
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/goldraven
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2018
🚨︎ report
How do you decide whether to be a Brain Surgeon or a Novelist?

You flip a coin. It’ll land on heads or tales.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ranchi12
πŸ“…︎ Mar 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I love my job as a tree surgeon.

I think it's absolutely tree-mend-ous

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/sportingmagnus
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2019
🚨︎ report
Why was the baker more wealthy than the surgeon or the rocket scientist?

He was the only one making dough.

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/code_engine
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2019
🚨︎ report
I told the surgeon that I didn't need the brain transplant.

But he changed my mind.

πŸ‘︎ 19
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/NitrousPC
πŸ“…︎ Feb 26 2019
🚨︎ report
I have a buddy who was recently hit by a bus, while promoting pedestrian safety.The surgeons had to replace all the joints in his left leg with metal.

I think it's safe to say he can appreciate the iron knee

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/karmamountain
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2018
🚨︎ report
How Do You Start An Argument with an Orthopedic Surgeon?

I Have a Bone To Pick With You!

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Imaveryluckyman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the tree surgeon say after a job well done

Treemendous

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Haggis29
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
🚨︎ report
Help! I need a plastic surgeon!
πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/overherebythefood
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2018
🚨︎ report
Did you hear what happened to the cross eyed circumcision surgeon?

He got the sack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Slickmink
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2019
🚨︎ report
Surgeons also make great therapists...

...They really know how to get someone to open up.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Hauptmann24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 18 2018
🚨︎ report
How do surgeons do chest operations without breaking the rib cage?

They use the key.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pdonkey
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2018
🚨︎ report
TIL Bangkok surgeons always keep a pair of tweezers on them.

You never know when you may need to operate on Thai knee joints.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nnadeau
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the surgeon who was very bad at circumcisions?

He could barely pull em off

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2018
🚨︎ report
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

His hand slipped

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Pvzkernelpult
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2018
🚨︎ report
My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I've ever met.

He's a real smooth operator.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/fatandsalt
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2019
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the patient who refused help?

Suture self

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wyocowboy91
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call a tree surgeon

A Branch Manager

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/StrategyFan2347
πŸ“…︎ Jul 03 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the frustrated surgeon say?

This guy is so full of himself

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I was visiting my surgeon friend when an Amazon package arrived at the door.

He told the mailman, β€œ Ah... just what the doctor ordered.”

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 28 2018
🚨︎ report
There was a surgeon who accidentally killed a patient by touching his heart with his bear hands.

He gave the patient's family a heartfelt apology.

πŸ‘︎ 17
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/flameoguy
πŸ“…︎ May 11 2017
🚨︎ report
[totally true story just happened to me:] *the setup* staying in an airbnb... another guest arrives, he is a neuro-surgeon from south korea... interviewing at UCSF - I built that hosptial, so said to him

Wow, neuro-surgeon huh... I'd like to pick your brain....

He did not get it...

(those type of pun opportunities dont come to mind that often...) ((another one bitches))

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Sarah_Connor
πŸ“…︎ Apr 27 2017
🚨︎ report
I’m dating a cardiac surgeon.

She sure knows the way to my heart!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marty085
πŸ“…︎ Feb 16 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the surgeon specialize in cojoined triplets?

He was hoping to cut out the middle man.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/geldonyetich
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call two surgeons that contradict one another?

A paradox

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/clifwith1f
πŸ“…︎ Apr 21 2018
🚨︎ report
A night club owner begs an orthopedic surgeon to help his business.

"But why me?" Asks the orthopedic surgeon.

"Who else can fix the hippest joint in town!?"

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ZigguratOfUr
πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2017
🚨︎ report
Even though he extremely skeptical, the hunchback’s wife finally convinced him to see a surgeon to straighten his spine. When the operation was done, he came home and told his wife:

"I stand corrected."

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tomjim04
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the plastic surgeon like doing nose jobs?

Because he got to pick everyone’s nose.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/marcuccione
πŸ“…︎ Apr 04 2018
🚨︎ report
My brother's surgeon burst out into song in the ER

He said it was Open Mike night.

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xwhy
πŸ“…︎ May 22 2017
🚨︎ report
What did the surgeon say to the amputee?

Need a hand there?

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/raheel1075
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2016
🚨︎ report
A new surgeon performed a cholecystectomy.

Now that takes gall.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ScottyUrb
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2018
🚨︎ report
We're having some tree surgeons take town some trees at our new house...

I asked my dad "When are the tree fellers coming?"

He replied "Monday, but I'm not sure if it'll be tree fellers, there might be four."

He said it with a stone-cold serious tone, whilst poking around on his ipad. The best sort of delivery for that sort of joke.

πŸ‘︎ 138
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Lympwing2
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2015
🚨︎ report
What do you call a vampire Oral Surgeon?

Extract-ula

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/PaxPaw
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2017
🚨︎ report
My dad got the surgeon good today

Went in for surgery early this morning and the anesthesiologist came in to get me prepped for surgery.

Anesthesiologist: Alright we're ready for him now so time for goodbye hugs and kisses.

Dad: But we just met!

Laughs were had by all.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/davisfarb
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2018
🚨︎ report
What my friend's dad, who was a surgeon, would say when he was being annonying

Are you the doctor now? Because you've been testing my patience all day.

πŸ‘︎ 110
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/My_name_is_Jarnes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgeon who is really good in bed?

Kamasuturea

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FatmanPhil
πŸ“…︎ Dec 30 2016
🚨︎ report
My friend's dad is a spinal surgeon and he sent us this pic for Halloween imgur.com/x2GIaHf
πŸ‘︎ 240
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/BenzoHabs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 01 2013
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked by a surgeon today...

The nurses were talking about weight loss tips and the attending surgeon piped up. "You guys know the secret to losing weight is gambling, right? Just last week I was in London and I lost more than a few pounds."

πŸ‘︎ 129
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Iamthewarthog
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2014
🚨︎ report
How did the dentist become a brain surgeon?

His drill slipped.

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/AlexIsAnAI
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2015
🚨︎ report
Controversial cosmetic surgeon raises a few eyebrows
πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 27 2016
🚨︎ report
Why did the surgeon put on vaporwave during a surgery?

Cause he thought the patient needed more of anesthetic.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hahaijoinedreddit
πŸ“…︎ May 26 2016
🚨︎ report
What do you call a surgeon for a rebel army?

An insurgent.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/siddis76
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2016
🚨︎ report
I always wanted to be a tree surgeon

But I can't stand the sight of sap

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/8979323
πŸ“…︎ Dec 05 2016
🚨︎ report
I can't stay mad at the foolish surgeon who transplanted my father's lungs the wrong way...

his heart was in the right place.

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jun 22 2016
🚨︎ report
My dad is an eye surgeon and he sent me this today.

'We had a very sweet patient today' http://imgur.com/L9dcVEK

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Garrett4prez
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2013
🚨︎ report
What's a surgeon's favourite type of maths?

Lung division.

πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/urban287
πŸ“…︎ Jan 25 2015
🚨︎ report
My Dad, the surgeon. The best I've ever heard in person.

My dad and I (a pre-med student) were talking about our awesome cousin, a veterinarian. She recently operated on a panda.

Me: That's so cool, I wish I could operate on pandas Dad: Maybe you'll have a patient with A-Panda-citus!

It may not look great in writing, but I was literally left stunned.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/friendzoneboy
πŸ“…︎ Aug 04 2014
🚨︎ report
Got Dad joked in front of the Surgeon General of the United States today

So I'm at the promotion ceremony of my girlfriend's Dad today. He's being promoted to Assistant Surgeon General so it's a pretty big deal. He's giving his speech and he's acknowledging all the people who are in his life and have come today to celebrate with him. He says this with Surgeon General Murthy sitting behind him, "there are also two of my daughters boyfriends here with me, Mr other daughter's boyfriend, and Mr. Jack The_Baboons_Ass. Let me tell you something about the Mr. The_Baboons_Ass, if you don't know him, you don't know Jack." The Surgeon General looks on not knowing what too think while I'm cracking up. The Surgeon General then comes up to me after the ceremony and introduces himself, saying "Nice to meet you Jack, I guess I do know Jack now" and walks away

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/The_baboons_ass
πŸ“…︎ Jan 16 2015
🚨︎ report
I asked the surgeon: can I administer my own anaesthetic?

The surgeon said: go ahead, knock yourself out.

πŸ‘︎ 238
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bringojackprot
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17
🚨︎ report
What happens when you anger a brain surgeon?

They will give you a piece of your mind.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/notdadbot
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2019
🚨︎ report

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