Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".
My dad was glad when I told him all the people who would be on his roasting panel...
I was roasting duck in a fire pit...
Some might say I enjoy smoking quack.
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?
*Sitting around the campfire with the fam, roasting hotdogs* You'd better eat that hotdog before it gets cold.
Me: Because then it would be ..... a chili dog.
I told my dad I ordered a popcorn popper for roasting my own coffee...
...he replied, "Cool beans, LOL"
Roasting a chicken
My 20 yo daughter cooked a whole chicken for dinner. She asked, "How's it look?"
I replied, "Fowl."
She just groaned.
P.S. Dinner was great!
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" comes on
"Oh no! Chet's nuts! Poor Chet"
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said “She obviously has COVID!” “Why would you think that?” I asked.
“Because she has no taste.”
My dad just told me his joke about seasoning a pot roast.
From my 8yr old: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup!
What do you say when someone roasts a person with reddish-brown hair?
How do you roast a midget?
By putting them in an oven
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"
I said "you got perfect eyesight."
That's some prime rib roast rith there
William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.
Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.
What do you call being roasted by a guy with Ph.D?
What do you call a bunch of chess nerds bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?
Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.
Why do they call it rump roast?
Cause nobody wants to eat cow ass.
How do you describe bench-press obsessed army boys insulting each other while they're being shot at?
Chest nuts roasting in open fire
Somebody should come up with a name for when the sun goes down
I’m gonna call it a night
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating
But I’m not about to quit cold turkey
I haven't been to the gym in years
It's been so long that I've gone back to calling it James
What's the difference between roast-beef and pea-soup?
Anyone have any Egyptian jokes?
I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.
What do you have to go through when you get roasted on DramaAlert?
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.
The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500.
The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him
“This is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.”
He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining “jingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations..
“Rudolph” “Frosty the Snowman” “Drummer Boy” even “I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard!
The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. “ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs.
“NO honey it really works watch!”
“Im going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs.
“WAIT Honey, one more time, please!”
He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out
“CHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”
TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of a Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.
Cooking a roast chicken in the oven but the potatoes aren't ready
They needed another ten minutes
My mum commented" That won't do the chicken any harm"
I responded with...
"It's already dead"
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?
Anyone fancy some roasted nuts?
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"
"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"
Roasted my pillow today
It was quite some discussion
If RuPaul had a cooking show
Would it be called RouxPaul?
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?
Because they have a supreme ruler.
People say that self roasts should be rare
But i prefer them well done
What did the meager bratwurst say to the superior side of roast beef?
What am I - chopped liver??
I served a female deer with herbs to my family at a recent dinner party.
Calling it "Spit-Roasted Dill Doe" was maybe a little unwise
I enjoy roasting duck in a fire pit...
Some might say I enjoy smoking quack
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Do you know the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can learn to roast beef.
In memory of my Dad, here’s his favorite joke: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
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