Friday was roasting saturday and sunday brutally yet they never occurred a word. Wednesday, being a harmonist, asked them why they stayed mum for which they replied, "because we are weakened in front of you guys".

I was dazed.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/kaylicious17
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My dad was glad when I told him all the people who would be on his roasting panel...

It really made his dais!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2020
🚨︎ report
I was roasting duck in a fire pit...

Some might say I enjoy smoking quack.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear about the Thanksgiving turkey who tried to escape the roasting pan?

He was foiled.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thisb0i
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
🚨︎ report
*Sitting around the campfire with the fam, roasting hotdogs* You'd better eat that hotdog before it gets cold.

Me: Because then it would be ..... a chili dog.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pmia241
πŸ“…︎ Jul 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I told my dad I ordered a popcorn popper for roasting my own coffee...

...he replied, "Cool beans, LOL"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/astromaddie
πŸ“…︎ Aug 14 2014
🚨︎ report
Roasting a chicken

My 20 yo daughter cooked a whole chicken for dinner. She asked, "How's it look?"

I replied, "Fowl."

She just groaned.

P.S. Dinner was great!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MikeLinPA
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2014
🚨︎ report
"Chestnuts roasting on an open fire" comes on

"Oh no! Chet's nuts! Poor Chet"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SoupOrSonic
πŸ“…︎ Dec 24 2014
🚨︎ report
I tried roasted lamb for the first time

EWE

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Caddiss_jc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
While at a restaurant, the waitress was totally flirting with me with my wife present. After she walked away, my wife said β€œShe obviously has COVID!” β€œWhy would you think that?” I asked.

β€œBecause she has no taste.”

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 13 2021
🚨︎ report
I'm trying to make herb roasted chicken for dinner and just ran out of one of the ingredients...

I don't have thyme for this

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/GrannyLow
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My dad just told me his joke about seasoning a pot roast.

It's about thyme.

πŸ‘︎ 42
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaunj656
πŸ“…︎ Dec 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Roast me...
πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RossiRover85
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
From my 8yr old: What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

You can roast beef, but you can’t pee soup!

πŸ‘︎ 210
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Itsame_Daario
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you say when someone roasts a person with reddish-brown hair?

Auburn

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FlumeHound9
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you roast a midget?

By putting them in an oven

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife said "I look fat, give me a compliment"

I said "you got perfect eyesight."

πŸ‘︎ 500
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Taff-Price
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
That's some prime rib roast rith there
πŸ‘︎ 112
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πŸ‘€︎ u/squidley7793
πŸ“…︎ Jun 23 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't think the surge protector on my toaster is working...

Whilst I was making crumpets it told me to wake up, asked why I don't put on a little makeup, why did I leave the keys upon the table..

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Murrian
πŸ“…︎ Feb 05 2021
🚨︎ report
William Shatner has discontinued his line of ladies lingerie.

Apparently Shatner panties was a poor choice of name.

πŸ‘︎ 15k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bryanBr
πŸ“…︎ Oct 13 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call being roasted by a guy with Ph.D?

A 3rd Degree Burn.

πŸ‘︎ 360
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Badjuju_Gamer
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What do you call a bunch of chess nerds bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.

πŸ‘︎ 80
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lightsup11
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2020
🚨︎ report
Nat King Cole used to write songs about his career as a mathematician

"Chestnuts roasting on an open Fourier"

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Agisilaus23
πŸ“…︎ Feb 07 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do they call it rump roast?

Cause nobody wants to eat cow ass.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Draelix
πŸ“…︎ Aug 15 2020
🚨︎ report
How do you describe bench-press obsessed army boys insulting each other while they're being shot at?

Chest nuts roasting in open fire

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/petertree
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between roast-beef and pea-soup?

Anyone can roast Beef.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/death-to-turtles
πŸ“…︎ Jun 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My roommates said I really need to cut down on the amount of deli meat I’ve been eating

But I’m not about to quit cold turkey

πŸ‘︎ 110
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dollex69
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2020
🚨︎ report
Anyone have any Egyptian jokes?

I am in a roasting war and in need of assistance.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sgper18
πŸ“…︎ Nov 12 2020
🚨︎ report
I haven't been to the gym in years

It's been so long that I've gone back to calling it James

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AusSpyder
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you have to go through when you get roasted on DramaAlert?

Keemotherapy.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OnurZ115
πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2020
🚨︎ report
TIFU by ordering a Roast Beef instead of a Chicken Teriyaki sandwich.

Oops, wrong sub.

πŸ‘︎ 189
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Allgen
πŸ“…︎ Nov 24 2019
🚨︎ report
This guy stops in a second hand petshop looking for a last minute Christmas gift for his wife.

The shop owner directs him to a 1,500$ parrot who can sing Christmas carols. The man doesnt believe the store owner and asks him for proof before dropping the 1,500. The store owner locks the doors and escorts the man to the back of the store and tells him β€œThis is a very special parrot, before he sings you must warm him up by holding a lit match 12 inches beneath.” He then takes out a match, lights it and holds it a rulers length beneath the parrot. After a few moments the parrot starts sining β€œjingle bells” in the tone of Frank Sinatra. Thinking this might be some cheap parlor trick he asks for several more demonstrations.. β€œRudolph” β€œFrosty the Snowman” β€œDrummer Boy” even β€œI Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus” in the best impersonations he’s ever heard! The man gladly hands over the cash and rushes home to amaze his wife. He holds the match a rulers length and nothing. The wife laughingly says he got ripped off. β€œ No no honey this works watch” he does it again only holding it half a rulers length this time and still nothing! The wife, laughing hysterically, starts going back upstairs. β€œNO honey it really works watch!” β€œIm going to bed, Merry Christmas” says the wife as she turns to head up the stairs. β€œWAIT Honey, one more time, please!” He pulls out another match, this time holding it three inches under the parrot who then squawks out β€œCHESTNUTS ROASTING ON AN OPEN FIRE”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hipphazy
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2020
🚨︎ report
Cooking a roast chicken in the oven but the potatoes aren't ready

They needed another ten minutes

My mum commented" That won't do the chicken any harm"

I responded with...

"It's already dead"

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Thejintymyster
πŸ“…︎ May 15 2020
🚨︎ report
You can roast beef,

But nobody can peanuts

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Escalade1414
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
🚨︎ report
Roasted Pear
πŸ‘︎ 55
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mcsquiggles1126
πŸ“…︎ Nov 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Anyone fancy some roasted nuts?
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FriedLime
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
🚨︎ report
Roasted my pillow today

It was quite some discussion

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Fakipo2
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was on the phone with my wife and said, "I'm almost home, honey, please put the coffee maker on." After a twenty second pause, I asked, "You still there sweetheart?"

"Yeah…" she replied. "But I don't think the coffee maker wants to talk right now…"

πŸ‘︎ 8k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2020
🚨︎ report
People say that self roasts should be rare

But i prefer them well done

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/puzzlemaster1
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do North Koreans draw the straightest lines?

Because they have a supreme ruler.

πŸ‘︎ 5k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/dandan_56
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
🚨︎ report
What happens when a Roman insults a Parisian's coffee?

A French Roast.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheDarkVigilante
πŸ“…︎ Dec 08 2020
🚨︎ report
What did the meager bratwurst say to the superior side of roast beef?

What am I - chopped liver??

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Bullhead20
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2020
🚨︎ report
I enjoy roasting duck in a fire pit...

Some might say I enjoy smoking quack

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/changhaobyu
πŸ“…︎ May 10 2019
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef...

πŸ‘︎ 12
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/pratojr
πŸ“…︎ Nov 20 2020
🚨︎ report
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anybody can roast beef!

πŸ‘︎ 14
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MsSoperfec
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Do you know the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef...

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/magicmitchmtl
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2020
🚨︎ report
What’s the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can learn to roast beef.

πŸ‘︎ 585
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EyeTack
πŸ“…︎ Oct 14 2019
🚨︎ report
In memory of my Dad, here’s his favorite joke: Whats the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

Anyone can roast beef.

πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/wonka88
πŸ“…︎ Jun 17 2018
🚨︎ report

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