Realizing you have to poop
Body: I have to poop
Brain: youβre so full of shit
π︎ 8
π
︎ Sep 24 2020
When i heared that they removed Trump from the white house after realizing he probably wasn't the right man for the job..
..all i could do was shake my head and mumble... "Unpresidented"
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 24 2020
My Girlfriend went to bed not realizing what she said
She goes omg it's 1:30 already. I said no honey it's only 11:30. She said, well I missed that one...I bursted in while she was on the toilet to explain it's genus.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jun 18 2020
One time I got in a fight with a guy named Lance. He had a twin brother named Lee. I punched Lance in the face, not realizing it was his brother who I had punched.
I said "I thought you were Lance, I apologize sinceyourelee".
π︎ 6
π
︎ Nov 07 2019
βChelseaβs Pizzaβ I said, reading a sign as we walked. My son replied βDid you say Elsaβs Pizza?β Realizing the opportunity I said βNo, but what kind of pizza would they serve at Elsaβs Pizza?
βFrozen pizzaβ said my son, rolling his eyes.
βExactly, my son. Frozen pizza.β
π︎ 4
π
︎ Dec 13 2019
I saw a mannequin with a big butt, I called it dummy thicc before realizing the pun.
No proof that it really happened, but it was funny.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 18 2019
Chinese takeout: $24.95. Fuel to pick it up: $1.00. Getting home and realizing they shorted you a box:
π︎ 68
π
︎ Oct 27 2018
I think I passed the high-point of my life without realizing it.
It was quite a sneak-peak.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jan 12 2017
My mom made her first dadjoke without even realizing it
We're at the grocery store buying some produce and what not.
Mom: Do you want any orange juice, or are the oranges we got from Publix enough?
Me: Do we even have any room in the fridge?
Mom: It'd be a bit of a squeeze.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 09 2015
4 men were sitting in a boat about to smoke a cigarette, when they realized they didn't have a cigarette lighter.
So, they threw one cigarette off their boat and the boat became one cigarette lighter.
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Sep 26 2020
I finally realized why trees donβt have teeth.
Turns out, theyβre all bark and no bite.
π︎ 11k
π
︎ Sep 27 2020
Has anyone realize βThe IRSβ
π︎ 600
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
I realized that the 8mm fastener is my favorite because it's my M8!
π︎ 9
π
︎ Dec 04 2020
I was really moved when I realized my mother let me win at cards.
It meant a great deal to me.
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 06 2020
My self-centered friend ordered a sculpture of his face, but later realized he couldn't afford the bill.
He really got a head of himself.
π︎ 22
π
︎ Oct 29 2020
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
I don't think the author even realized what they did! Context: the article is about killer whales attacking boats.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
I was shopping at the grocery store like it was 1999. Thatβs when I realized the party was over...
Oops, they were out of thyme.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 15 2020
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that Iβm an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
π︎ 38
π
︎ Nov 01 2020
I didn't realize my phone came with noface detection
π︎ 30
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
After watching Hubie Halloween I realized that every Adam Sandler movie takes place in the same universe.
Unfortunately, it's the one we live in.
π︎ 10
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I just realized nothing starts with "n" and ends with "g"
π︎ 357
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
I thought I was swimming in the river Thames, but apparently I made it all the way to France before I realized...
π︎ 15
π
︎ Oct 02 2020
Realized my boys will someday be dads after the cat tried to sneak outside tonight
Me, to my two boys: "Hazel tried to escape, but I rescued her!...Or....should I say captured her?"
Boy 1: (pronunciation) "cap- CHURR!"
Boy 2: "Or... You CAT-tured her!"
Boy 1: "No, you CAT cat-ture Hazel!"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 31 2020
Ever since I started working from home, I've realized that one of my coworkers is a real bitch...
But that's okay, I love working with my dog.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 20 2020
When did Yoda realize that he would be little?
His first word was βiotaβ.
... and so it was spoken, from then onward, into existence.
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 17 2020
I just realized they can't ever make a movie about a male scandanavian Transformer who works as a stand-up comedian.
They'd be guilty of vehicle Lars mans laughter.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Oct 12 2020
If a father in Iraq gifts his daughter a new bag, what will she say?
π︎ 14k
π
︎ Sep 23 2020
I just realized my kitchen countertop is made out of marble.
I have been taking it for granite all these years.
π︎ 288
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
A man walks into his home to realize that all his lamps were stolen
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Feb 23 2020
I didn't realize the reopening of the Lego store was going to be so popular...
People are lining up for blocks!
π︎ 327
π
︎ Jun 19 2020
I looked in the mirror and realized how hot I've become
I have to stop wearing hoodies on summer.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
I started a petition to swap the position of "a" and "n" in the alphabet.
No one took me seriously when I said jk lmao
π︎ 109
π
︎ Nov 30 2020
I used to hate facial hair
π︎ 94
π
︎ Dec 02 2020
I found out my girlfriend is really a ghost.
I had my suspicions the moment she walked through the door.
π︎ 10k
π
︎ Sep 19 2020
A pirate walks into a bar and it was at that moment that he realized that his patch was on the wrong eye.
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Dec 09 2019
If my bookcase realizes it wants to store dishes instead of books, it has reached shelf actualization.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 28 2020
Want to hear a pun about ghosts?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Nov 29 2020
Fun Realization Today
Both gray and grey are acceptable spellings for the color. This makes the color's spelling a gray/grey area.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
My cat scratches me to get my attention, I like to think he doesn't realize he's hurting me,
he just has issues with claws and effects.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
I was driving behind this guy and realized he is celebrating a whole year early!!
π︎ 15
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
After a few recent posts, I now realize just how dangerous math really is.
I mean, just look at all those explosions after math!
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
This son of a bitch got me. Can't be mad though; I set him up and did even realize it.
π︎ 50
π
︎ May 11 2020
I just realized that I forgot to seal all my spices in airtight containers.
Iβm expecting to have a bad thyme.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied βbaby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heelsβ. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
π︎ 2k
π
︎ Jan 29 2020
What did the bodybuilder say when he realized he was out of powdered protein mix?
π︎ 10
π
︎ Jul 23 2020
I was driving behind this guy and realized he is celebrating a whole year early!!
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jun 27 2020
Accordion to a recent study, 90% of people didnβt realize
I put an instrument at the start of this sentence.
π︎ 159
π
︎ Mar 15 2020
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11...
It was just a spare, I guess...
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jun 01 2020
Siri kept calling me Shirley this morning. I was starting to get really pissed off, and then I realized why...
I left my phone in Airplane mode
π︎ 7k
π
︎ Jun 18 2019
Working in Produce the last few years has made me realize I'm a professional musician...
I work with beet boxes and I wrap!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
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