What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
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︎ Dec 31 2020
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
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︎ Jul 30 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
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︎ Dec 03 2020
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
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︎ Dec 22 2019
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
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︎ Oct 19 2020
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
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︎ Sep 23 2020
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
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︎ Oct 01 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
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︎ Sep 05 2020
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
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︎ Sep 10 2020
Post and Repost were on a boat. Post fell off. Who was left?
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︎ Aug 30 2020
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off
It was counter-productive
(My cat didnβt laugh at it either)
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︎ Jul 07 2020
Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repeat? Ok. Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left?
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︎ Apr 11 2020
Back in the 90s, i spent time on the set of Baywatch messing with a character named Mitch Buchannon. I got pulled off the set and arrested the same night.
Turns out it's illegal to Hasslehoff.
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︎ Dec 20 2019
[true story] Dad and daughter trimming the Christmas tree with tinselβ DAD (points to empty spot on tree and says to daughter): βLittle more on here.β DAUGHTER (storms off crying)...
...βMOM! DAD CALLED ME A LITTLE MORON!!β
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︎ Dec 17 2019
A father and his son are on a roof, the father falls off but the kid stays on, why?
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︎ Oct 27 2019
[Dad Joke courtesy of Stephen King] The big moron and the little moron were standing on the Golden Gate bridge. The big moron fell off. Why didn't the little moron fall off too?
Because the little moron was a little more on.
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︎ Aug 01 2019
My girlfriend was eating some cheese and salami on crackers. She accidentally cut off a very large piece of the Salami. I told her it was a muenster. She just stared at me flatly so I apologized.
I told her I was sorry for such a cheesy joke.
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︎ Aug 30 2019
I was having an argument and the other guy went off on a tangent
I said: Hey, man, whats your angle?!
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︎ Sep 30 2019
500 bricks on an airplane and one falls off. How many are left?
((To be played back and forth with a friend as questions and answers))
[499.]
What are the three steps to putting an elephant in a refrigerator?
[1. Open door. 2. Put elephant in. 3. Close door.]
What are the four steps to putting a giraffe in a refrigerator?
[1. Open door. 2. Remove elephant. 3. Put giraffe in. 4. Close door.]
All the animals attend a birthday party for the king of the jungle, except one. Who didnβt attend?
[The giraffe. Heβs still in the refrigerator.]
A girl swims across an alligator infested river, but safely makes it to the other side. How was that possible?
[All the alligators were at the birthday party.]
The girls still dies though, how come?
[The one brick from the airplane fell on her head.]
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︎ Feb 11 2018
we do have a lot off different technology. https://www.reddit.com/r/Showerthoughts/comments/bu0yuo/we_have_devices_that_can_see_through_flesh_and/ on this post
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︎ May 28 2019
You are on a horse galloping at a constant speed. On your right side, is a sharp drop off and on your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you. Directly in front of you is another galloping horse, but your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the horse in front of you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?
Get off the merry-go-round!
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︎ Apr 27 2019
On mobile the r/perfect loops suggestion showed a wheel of ck that rotated between o and i. It said ick ock ick ockβ¦obviously the T was cut off from the top. But watching it with out the the T made me think of Wild Bill
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︎ Apr 18 2019
What do you call it when you buy something on line from the Middle East and get ripped off?
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︎ Jul 10 2019
I was fiddling with my watch in bed today and it came off and fell on my face
It clocked me pretty good
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︎ May 26 2019
I saw a sign in the store that said "pants up to 50% off" so I ran right in and everyone had their pants on.
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︎ May 10 2019
Every year on New Year's Eve, when everyone's counting down the final 10 seconds to ring in the new year, I get up off the couch and stand up. I stand up and raise my left leg and just leave it raised for a little while until the countdown finishes and midnight strikes
that way I always start the new year off on the right foot
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︎ Nov 30 2018
Discussing history last night and I went off on a tangent about Nebbacanezzer
Sometimes I just babble on.
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︎ Jan 20 2018
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size
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︎ Mar 04 2019
Me to my husband: I got my 23&me results back and my genes say I am better off on a low-carb diet.
Him: But what did your shirt say?
It was so unexpected, I was proud!
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︎ Jun 08 2018
I was on an amazing cruise, eating dinner on the deck looking out over the water when I dropped my silverware off the edge and into the ocean.
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︎ Oct 28 2018
Did you hear about the guy who got the entire left half of his body ripped off in a horrible accident at his factory job that he had to support his family, and now he might die, or even worse, become a brain dead vegetable that is only an economic burden on his already poor family?
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︎ Oct 26 2018
My wife keeps waking me up to go turn off the computer and then turn it back on again.
I hate these late night rebooty calls.
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︎ Jun 26 2018
I was lying on the floor today, repeatedly lifting a 12-pack of Coke up and down off my chest...
...and all I could think was, "This is soda-pressing."
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︎ Jan 22 2018
My dad ran over a cat one day. I suggested he scrape it off the road and put it's rear on the wall.
Because it was his Cat-Ass-Trophy
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︎ Aug 28 2015
Wife said she has wood glue on her forehead and couldn't get it off.
I looked at her and said, "That's because you're a blockhead."
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︎ Jun 21 2018
Pete and Re-Pete are on a boat. Pete falls off. Whoβs left in the boat?
Pete and Re-Pete are on a boat. Pete falls off. Whoβs left in the boat?
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︎ Jan 28 2018
I only like light switches off and on.
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︎ May 27 2017
A big moron and a little moron are both standing on the edge of a cliff, the big one falls off. Why didn't the little one fall?
Because he was a little more on.
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︎ Oct 23 2019
There was a big moron and a little moron sitting on a fence. The big moron fell off. Why?
The little moron was a little more on.
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︎ Feb 02 2019
The big moron and the little moron are on a bridge. The big moron fell off. How come the little moron didn't fall off?
He was a little "more on."
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︎ May 18 2019
Pete and Repeat sat on a fence. Pete fell off, who was left?
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︎ Jun 24 2019
A big moron and a little moron were sitting on a ledge, when a gust of wind blew one of them off. Which one fell off?
The big one, because the other was a little moron.
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︎ Jul 23 2019
2 guys are sitting on a fence, Pete and Repete. Pete falls off the fence, who is left sitting on the fence?
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︎ Jan 16 2016
A big moron and a little moron were standing on the edge of a cliff. Who fell off?
The big moron. Because the little moron was a little more on.
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︎ Oct 06 2017
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