Two cats are on a metal roof. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest ΞΌ

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2021
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I made some ideas into images to put on to phone cases. This is my favourite - Get Off Your High Horse
πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2021
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I was watching Star Trek: The Next Generation on my mobile and the feed shut off.

I got a text from my mobile provider saying I’d exceeded my monthly Data allowance.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vbloke
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2021
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Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
πŸ‘︎ 5k
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 29 2020
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My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 515
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2020
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Got a job at a potato chip factory. On top of salary they said I could pick any flavor chip off the shelf once a month.

They prided themselves in their stock options.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cross2085
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2021
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At Disney World on a hot day, saw someone with one of those portable misting bottles attached to a fan for cooling off. I said, "I want a mister fan."

My wife, without missing a beat, says "Please, Mr. Fan is my father."

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rolls20s
πŸ“…︎ Mar 23 2021
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Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..

You keeled my father. Prepare two die.

*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?

^(What a freaking professional)

πŸ‘︎ 64
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πŸ‘€︎ u/calvinweight
πŸ“…︎ Jan 05 2021
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I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.

Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"

Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*

Me: "Well played."

πŸ‘︎ 9k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Plane_Garbage
πŸ“…︎ Jul 30 2020
🚨︎ report
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow

It was our last warming.

πŸ‘︎ 40
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πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?

A blinkin'

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/japandler
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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There’s two morons on a boat. One of the morons is larger. The larger moron falls off. Why?

The little one was a little more on.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/danielpauljohns
πŸ“…︎ Jan 21 2021
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The sound from a musician on stage bounces off an auditoriums walls to surround the audience, however

The sound from a pigeon does not, because a coo sticks.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/heightsenberg
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2021
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What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?

Rick O'Shea.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2021
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Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

πŸ‘︎ 19k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/scotland42
πŸ“…︎ Dec 22 2019
🚨︎ report
The O.Henry Pun-Off is back β€œON!” - Tongues of puns linger
  • Like all cherished things in this covid-crazy world, the O.Henry Museum’s famous free, family friendly celebration of the wit-in-word will take place virtually in cyberspace this year. With an awesome live cast of lively wits and tortured tongues, the online audience will be treated to all the linguistic twists, dramatic turns, and surprise endings they’ve groan to love. Expect to witness wacky word butchers and voracious verbivores from around the globe, all worming their way into your ears. Tongues of tradition, tension and camaraderie make this the premier event for the world's competitive wordplay community
  • Brought to you this year by the City of Austin, Brush Square Museums Foundation, and co- sponsored by Austin's very own Fantastic Magic Camp, as well as the internationally renowned podcast, Pun Intensive, The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition will commence Saturday, November 21, 2020
  • Preliminary live rounds begin Saturday, November 21, 2020, at 11:00am CST, lasting about 2 hours. Later that evening, live competition resumes at 7:00pm CST with head-to-head prime time heats. - See Pun-Off.com for schedule details, links, and more.

[Austin, TX, November 1, 2020] - Although traditionally held outdoors on a single day in the spring, the first portion 2020 the O. Henry Museum Pun-Off competition known as Punniest of Show was conducted via video in October. Now on Saturday, November 21, 2020, PARD will bring you their most popular second segment, O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships Punslingers Competition: Online Edition

This free, fun, and family friendly event will take place online this year, but with special twists, turns, and surprise modifications to make it the perfect 2020 event for the world's competitive wordplay community.

The O. Henry Museum Pun-Off World Championships have been an Austin institution for 43 years. As usual, the contest will feature a cavalcade of word-class wordsmiths from across the globe, all worming their way into your art. Join and enjoy us as they compete to spontaneously spit out the most absurd words you’ve ever heard.

The event will be live streamed at PunIntensive.com.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/bpcombs
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
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After years of obstructing my view, I ripped off the rearview mirrors on my car.

Since then, I haven't looked back.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/IAMA_SWEET
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2020
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i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:

No, the steaks are too high!

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mferrari24
πŸ“…︎ Oct 19 2020
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Would On/Off in India be called Sari/Not Sari?
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Packa7x
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2020
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Why did the architecture student get points off on his blueprint of a Soviet house?

Unnecessary Marx and Engels.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/subpar-at-best
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...

...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 23 2020
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My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'

I told him "Nah, that's a door"

πŸ‘︎ 37
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YourYam
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2020
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I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...

He re-Poe-ed them.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Oct 01 2020
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Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. β€œWhy’d you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?”

β€œCardamom”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aphex-Puddle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2020
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So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
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My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...

They just didn't give a fork...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?

Fear of missing grout

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/2019inchnails
πŸ“…︎ Aug 08 2020
🚨︎ report
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.

So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/xknav3x
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2020
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Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.

But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/YeaOrna
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Post and Repost were on a boat. Post fell off. Who was left?

This whole subreddit

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RealTheAsh
πŸ“…︎ Aug 30 2020
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So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/orlanthi
πŸ“…︎ Jun 14 2020
🚨︎ report
Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.

It was a loco motive.

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jeromocles
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2020
🚨︎ report
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off

It was counter-productive

(My cat didn’t laugh at it either)

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Abtino11
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to

Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2020
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Stripper takes it all off on one nightstand v.redd.it/ojpcdjwhjqp01
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/therealBoomboy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2018
🚨︎ report
Why did the gun go off on someone?

It was triggered.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AndrewZabar
πŸ“…︎ Jul 26 2020
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When we dropped off the car for service, we got the last courtesy car on the dealer's lot.

It was the loner.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Sir_Pluses
πŸ“…︎ Apr 09 2020
🚨︎ report
Dads get their rocks off on AB
πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stone_in_NC
πŸ“…︎ Jan 24 2020
🚨︎ report
My first pun on here. I really hope it takes off.
πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/KrissiKross
πŸ“…︎ Jan 22 2020
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I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.

The police are working tirelessly to catch him.

πŸ‘︎ 161
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hemanth1797
πŸ“…︎ Sep 30 2019
🚨︎ report
If you grew cannabis on an off shore platform...

...would it be seaweed?

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Keauxbi
πŸ“…︎ Jan 14 2020
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My efforts to save on my electricity bills have really paid off.

And honestly, I’m delighted.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42alj
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2020
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A man fell off his roof while on acid

He had a bad trip

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FourthSalty
πŸ“…︎ Mar 15 2020
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Why do i use pencil to start off on an essay?

So that i can get a lead on an idea

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/swiftphil
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2019
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Up down on off
πŸ‘︎ 63
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πŸ‘€︎ u/EmotionallyPained
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...

...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn

πŸ‘︎ 426
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MacItaly
πŸ“…︎ Jul 14 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !

Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2020
🚨︎ report

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