My wife told me sheβll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.
Iβm not too worried, I think sheβs jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
ποΈ 518
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οΈ Dec 23 2020
Three men were onboard a ship playing dice on deck when the oldest man angrily jumped off the front of the boat. The younger man said..
You keeled my father. Prepare two die.
*I sent this to my brother and he replies: Was his name Inyougo?
^(What a freaking professional)
ποΈ 61
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οΈ Jan 05 2021
Pulled this off on my friend Lmao
ποΈ 5k
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οΈ Oct 29 2020
What do you call a president that you quickly turn off and on?
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Dec 31 2020
Our landlord knocked on our door today and said that if we didn't pay rent, they'd turn off the heater tomorrow
ποΈ 37
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οΈ Dec 03 2020
I'm a teacher and every day I write a Dad Joke from this sub on the board. Today a student said this to me... I was about to go off... before I got the Dad Joke.
Student: "Sir, someone nutted on the floor!"
Me: *Begins to get angry* *Turns around... there's a hex nut on the floor*
Me: "Well played."
ποΈ 9k
π
οΈ Jul 30 2020
What do you call an Irish man who keeps on bumping off things ?
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Jan 01 2021
After years of obstructing my view, I ripped off the rearview mirrors on my car.
Since then, I haven't looked back.
ποΈ 13
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οΈ Oct 23 2020
The prison fundraising boxing tournament was on again off again
The warden had to weigh the pros and cons
ποΈ 4
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οΈ Nov 01 2020
i went to a restaurant and the waitress threw a piece of meat on the ceiling. she offered me $100 to go and get it off and i replied:
No, the steaks are too high!
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Oct 19 2020
Successful Dad joke I just pulled off on wife. Full groan and everything
Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?
Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes
Wife: Who makes those rules?
Me: The Dad Poet Society
Wife: groan
ποΈ 19k
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οΈ Dec 22 2019
A salesman said his windows were unbreakable, so I punched one. That hurt, but not nearly as much as the window falling off the display and landing on my head. Unfortunately I can't sue...
...they were advertised as double-pain windows after all.
ποΈ 8
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οΈ Sep 23 2020
Would On/Off in India be called Sari/Not Sari?
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Aug 12 2020
I put original copies of "The Fall of the House of Usher", "The Murders in the Rue Morgue", "The Pit and the Pendulum" and "The Tell-Tale Heart" on credit hoping to pay them off slowly. Unfortunately, I couldn't make all payments...
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Oct 01 2020
Why did the architecture student get points off on his blueprint of a Soviet house?
Unnecessary Marx and Engels.
ποΈ 9
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οΈ Aug 06 2020
Just heard a grocery store manager telling off a young guy on the checkout. βWhyβd you ask that woman with kids for ID? What was she buying?β
ποΈ 5
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οΈ Sep 19 2020
My server slammed a glass of water down, tossed a spoon with a knife on the table and stomped off back to the kitchen. I pondered about their attitude for a moment and then it hit me...
They just didn't give a fork...
ποΈ 7
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οΈ Sep 05 2020
My husband slapped a fly off the door and said 'Not on my watch!'
I told him "Nah, that's a door"
ποΈ 39
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οΈ Aug 11 2020
I was showing off my hibiscus plants to my neighbor, he says the roots are exposed, and I should get more dirt on them.
So I found out they were both having affairs, and stealing from their company's fundraisers!
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Sep 10 2020
Why did the tiler want to work on his day off?
ποΈ 7
π
οΈ Aug 08 2020
Post and Repost were on a boat. Post fell off. Who was left?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Aug 30 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NSW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
ποΈ 20
π
οΈ Jun 14 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July.
But not fire. . . . . Fire works on 4th of July.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Jul 04 2020
Found guilty on all charges, the train couldn't rationalize his off-the-wall behavior.
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Aug 03 2020
What do you call a man who falls off a rocky ledge but holds on long enough to
Cliff Hanger... Or Mr Hanger if your being formal.
ποΈ 3
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οΈ Jul 27 2020
So we've been challenged by Little Mart, Forster, NEW to a board off. Who will come out on top?
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Jun 14 2020
My cat got on my bathroom counter and started knocking things off
It was counter-productive
(My cat didnβt laugh at it either)
ποΈ 12
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οΈ Jul 07 2020
When we dropped off the car for service, we got the last courtesy car on the dealer's lot.
ποΈ 3
π
οΈ Apr 09 2020
My efforts to save on my electricity bills have really paid off.
And honestly, Iβm delighted.
ποΈ 4
π
οΈ May 04 2020
Dads get their rocks off on AB
ποΈ 21
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οΈ Jan 24 2020
My first pun on here. I really hope it takes off.
ποΈ 18
π
οΈ Jan 22 2020
If you grew cannabis on an off shore platform...
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Jan 14 2020
Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left?
Repeat? Ok. Pete and Repete were sitting on a fence. Pete fell off. Who was left?
ποΈ 5
π
οΈ Apr 11 2020
ποΈ 3k
π
οΈ Apr 03 2018
A man fell off his roof while on acid
ποΈ 24
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οΈ Mar 15 2020
I heard on the news that some guy was stealing wheels off police cars.
The police are working tirelessly to catch him.
ποΈ 158
π
οΈ Sep 30 2019
The sound from a musician on stage bounces off the auditorium walls to surround the audience. The sound from a pigeon on stage does not do this.
The reason is a coo sticks.
ποΈ 17
π
οΈ Jan 24 2020
Three cats are on a roof. Which one slides off first?
The one with the smallest mu.
ποΈ 9
π
οΈ Jan 23 2020
Why do i use pencil to start off on an essay?
So that i can get a lead on an idea
ποΈ 15
π
οΈ Aug 24 2019
Up down on off
ποΈ 63
π
οΈ May 28 2019
In a new movie 007 must save us from a mad man intent on setting off an atomic bomb on the bottom of the Ocean
ποΈ 2
π
οΈ Feb 28 2020
The door knob on my front door is two feet off the ground
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Feb 07 2020
Did you hear that the police have a warrant out on a midget psychic ripping people off?
It reads βSmall medium at large.β
ποΈ 27
π
οΈ Nov 15 2019
I have posted about 10 puns on this subreddit to see if they would take off.
ποΈ 14
π
οΈ Jan 02 2020
My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she'll slam my head on the keyboard...
...but I think she's jokinfjreoiwjrtwe4to8rkljreun8f4ny84c8y4t58lym4wthylmhawt4mylt4amlathnatyn
ποΈ 426
π
οΈ Jul 14 2020
My wife told me she's slam my head on the keyboard if I don't get off the computer !
Don't worry guys, I think she's jokinlkjhfakljn m,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf
ποΈ 71
π
οΈ Jul 28 2020
Some people enjoy a day off on the 4th of July....
But not fire....fire works on the 4th of July
ποΈ 8
π
οΈ Feb 21 2020
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