Nieces Puns

She said, "How do you know it was on it’s way to work?”

My mother FaceTimed me so I could show her my sister and her baby

I went into my sister's room and said, "Hey mom wants to see you. Can you say a quick hello?"

Sister: Sure but just for a minute, I'm exhausted.

BIL, without dropping a beat: Hi exhausted, I'm a new dad!

Old but gold

I'm staying at her mothers house, and she said, it's only 8:30 pm and everyone's already ready for bed.

My niece chimes in and says, "not me.", to which i respond, "You don't count."

Without missing a beat, she said, "Yes i do. One, two, three, four."

You buy it from the cat-alogue

Starbawks

Because of their Auntie-bodies

So I turned to my wife and asked, who gave her the handburger? 🍔

Did you hear about the Cockatiel that was trying to find a new home for his family? He zipped back and forth everywhere, but couldn't find a good spot anywhere. Then he came across a bear, sleeping flat of his back with his mouth wide open. Not recognizing what it was, he thought the bear's mouth would be the perfect spot for a nest. He gathered his family and they all got to work building a new home for themselves, but then the bear woke up. Realizing what was going on, he politely informed them that he couldn't let them nest in his mouth. He hated to do it, but it was quite the bird den to bear.

I told her to ask her father, then got a smack from her mother

I was on the couch, visiting with family. My niece is about 2 or 3. She grabs my hand and says "Ewwwwwwwwwww"

Confused, I responded "Eww?"

And as if on cue, she looks down and spits directly into my palm, with a small piece of food for good measure.

Ah...."Eww."

Her dad sitting next to me on the ps4 looks over and asked what happened. I explained what happened and we both laughed. I'm not even mad, I'm impressed. It wouldn't surprise me if she becomes a stand up comic one day, or at least the class clown.

Because it's in a fish aunt.

To which I said, “That doesn’t make cents.”

She always loses her focus

A bull dozer.

That's a ho-ho-horrible idea!

So my mom, my oldest sister, and her daughter where at mine and my wife’s house for the weekend.

After having all the lights out so my wife and niece could play with a Ouija board, my niece wanted to make a cup of hot cocoa in the kitchen but she could find the light switch. The following exchange occurred...

Niece: Where is the light in the kitchen? Me: On the ceiling. Niece: Ok, but how do you turn it on? Me: With a light switch. Niece: Where is the light switch? Me: On the wall. Niece: Which wall? Me: The one with the switch.

She’s a good sport tho. We where laughing, she was grinning but definitely done with my uncle shit.

My brother said a liar and she goes no, Matt! Very proud of her.

She's an altered stateswoman.

We were celebrating my other niece's 2nd birthday, when my 5-year-old niece comes up to me and says, "Hey Uncle, wanna play a game?"

"Sure. What game?"

"You pick a letter and I say three words that start with that letter."

Since it was her sister's birthday, I picked "B", assuming that she’ll probably say "Birthday".

She was like, "Okay… B... B... BB..."

I sat there for a second in a moment of defeat...

"Yes. Those are all words."

You little shit.

Edit for the Dad-impaired: "Be... Bee... BB..."

2nd Edit: Awesome! Each of my nieces got me to the top of this sub! Here's the one about the 2-year-old.

Niece: What is the favorite drink of a cow? Smoooothie.

I have never been so proud of my niece.

Me: Did you just take all of your dad's mussels?

Her, grinning: Yup!

Me: Isn't that a little shellfish?

(Explosion of laughs from the children and eye rolls from the adults)

Me: You can now that women got the vote.

"Because she will just let it go." Ive had the biggest smile all day!!!!

Me: two angry animals.

Nice enough: no.

Me: you get to the other side.

Niece: what’s wrong with you?

Me: nothing. I’m a dad.

Or was it memory? I can't remember.

"Jenny"

I promptly burst out singing: "Cause guilty feet have got no rhythm!"

I got a full-on facepalm out of her. It was excellent.

She was wearing yellow and her sister was wearing red. i told them they looked like ketchup and mustard when she replied, "Well thank you. I'll take that as a condiment."

Me : Without the tomato how did they Ketchup?

Everyone else: Blank faces.

I didn’t want to look a gift horse in the mouth.

And she told she was building a really big ant. I asked her if it was going to be so big that it would be giANT? She then proceeded to tell me that none of my jokes are funny.

Dad: So...what grade are you in now?

Them: Grade 8 (at the time)

Dad: Grade 8? ....best 4 years of my life

He says the exact same joke every single time.

Sure, but I prefer it cooked.

It was a cat inside a banana peel. She kept going on and on about "It's so cute." I asked her "So you're telling me it has appeal?" I think a part of her died at that.

So her demons would exercise themselves.

Whoops, wrong thread.

She loves turning into a "blood monster," running up to people, slapping them, and claim she's sucking our blood as she yells "I'm a blood monster! Rawr!"

Me: "Oh no, she's a hemoGOBLIN!"

I got some applause from the few adults present.

Niece: Cuban food? Are we going to eat cubes?

And when we got there, I swear this happened, there was a pork dish on the menu that was described as fried pork cubes. She ordered it.

My niece is 10 and she likes to watch me play video games. I usually get her with the dad jokes but last night while I was running from the cops in GTA she said "Why don't you just give yourself up?" so I decided to be cheesy and I told her "Because I'm above the law" and she looks at me with a puzzled look and said "You may be tall, but you're not THAT tall".

I corrected her with "no, I'm uncle social" Then pointed to my sister and called her auntisocial.

Me: I hope it wasn't a 78. Those things really shatter.

Was out at my wife's Grandmas farm for thanksgiving (canada) and I was holding my 2 year old niece who doesn't say a heck of a lot on a fence to look at the horses. I say to her:

"Hey Ireland do you like standing up on the fence?"

She doesn't answer so I say to the rest of the family around "she's on the fence about it"

Eyes were rolling but I was pretty happy with myself.