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︎ Nov 19 2019
π︎ 158
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︎ Jul 22 2017
[Meta] Don't half ass a pun, Go in puns blazing (resubmit)
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︎ Nov 13 2018
So do you call person who's really good in pun as pun master?
Or a pundit? I think I spun it incorrectly.
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︎ Jul 23 2014
I would date him in a heartbeat
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 28 2021
How do you keep a Redditor in suspense?
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 24 2021
At the weekend, I like to play chess with elderly men in the park. But it's becoming increasingly harder..
..to find exactly 32 of them.
π︎ 6k
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︎ May 30 2021
My 5 year old told me this today - Dad, how does a farmer count all his animals in the barn?
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 26 2021
What is the fastest growing city in the world?
Capital of Ireland
It's Dublin everyday
π︎ 9k
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︎ May 16 2021
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
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︎ May 01 2021
In surgery my doctor said, "So what do we have here?" I replied that I broke my arm in 12 places."
He replied, "Well, stop going to those places then!"
π︎ 9k
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︎ May 08 2021
In honor of Motherβs Day, Iβd just like to say,
βthank you for your cervix.β
π︎ 8k
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︎ May 09 2021
I've started a boat building business in my attic...
...sails are going through the roof.
π︎ 7k
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︎ May 13 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 05 2021
He gave the toy horses a home in his ___
π︎ 3k
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︎ May 07 2021
3 in 1
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
A man walks in to a bar with a piece of asphalt
The man says to the bartender β1 for me, and 1 for the roadβ
π︎ 5k
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︎ May 17 2021
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 27 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Falling in love is dangerous.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Apr 19 2021
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 03 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
π︎ 3k
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︎ Apr 29 2021
I'm in a band called Dyslexia....
We've just released our Greatest Shit album.
π︎ 731
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︎ May 17 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 27 2021
Punny Electrician in Florida
π︎ 56
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︎ May 26 2021
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
π︎ 2k
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︎ May 01 2021
I know a handful of jokes in sign language.
I guarantee no one has ever heard them!
π︎ 366
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︎ May 29 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
π︎ 14k
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︎ Mar 26 2021
How do you measure a snake? In inches, because they donβt have feet.
But you measure rattlesnakes in meters, because they have rhythm.
π︎ 121
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︎ May 29 2021
There are 10 types of people in the world:
Those who know binary and those who don't.
π︎ 193
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︎ May 27 2021
7yo daughter told me this one; How do lazy people stay in shape?
π︎ 403
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︎ May 26 2021
What flavour is the toothpaste in jail?
π︎ 582
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︎ May 09 2021
What font do they use for the letter noodles in Alphabet Soup?
π︎ 607
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︎ May 27 2021
I was in the bar last night when the waitress yells "Does anyone know CPR?"
I yelled back "I know all those letters!" Everyone laughed, well except this one guy.
π︎ 377
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︎ May 20 2021
They're building a mirror factory in my town
I could see myself working there.
π︎ 409
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︎ May 20 2021
A cheese factory had exploded in France
There was nothing left but de Brie.
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︎ May 07 2021
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 17 2021
I heard a cactus fell in love with a fruit tree.
They make a prickly pear.
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︎ May 23 2021
My boss always laughed at my jokes at work but since the pandemic she never laughs at them in Zoom chats. I asked her why doesn't she laugh at them anymore.
She replied, "Because your jokes aren't remotely funny."
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︎ May 09 2021
Donβt you guys hate it when you have hare in your soup
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︎ May 19 2021
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
π︎ 1k
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︎ May 03 2021
In Ancient Rome, there were 4 types of poison. Poisons I, II, and III would all kill you with varying degrees of pain.
However, Poison IV would just make you really itchy.
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︎ May 12 2021
A man walks out in the purring rain...
And he thinks to himself: "Why is it raining cats?"
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︎ May 23 2021
Tried to take a selfie in the shower.
It turned out all blurry. I think I have selfie steam issues.
π︎ 253
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︎ May 21 2021
Dad: in Iraq, i killed 15 people
Son: but you were a helicopter mechanic
Dad: I never said I was a good one....
π︎ 137
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︎ May 26 2021
If you get lost in the Canadian wilderness, donβt panic unless you see at least one grizzly.
Thatβs the bear minimum.
π︎ 371
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︎ May 17 2021
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