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︎ Nov 19 2019
π︎ 161
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︎ Jul 22 2017
[Meta] Don't half ass a pun, Go in puns blazing (resubmit)
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︎ Nov 13 2018
So do you call person who's really good in pun as pun master?
Or a pundit? I think I spun it incorrectly.
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︎ Jul 23 2014
There will be point in the future when Canada will take over the world.
And then you will all be sorry.
π︎ 9k
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︎ May 01 2021
Guys, today was my first day in the navy and I felt so lost!
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 05 2021
3 in 1
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Why doesn't james bond fart in bed?
Because it'll blow his cover
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 27 2021
True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
π︎ 15k
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Falling in love is dangerous.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Apr 19 2021
I wish Covid-19 had started in Las Vegas.
Because what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas.
π︎ 4k
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︎ May 03 2021
Whatβs the difference between in-laws & out-laws?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Apr 28 2021
Why shouldn't you put more than 239 beans in a soup?
Because adding just one more would make it too farty. Straight from my 7 year old daughter.
Edit: Thank you so much for the awards and upvotes. I showed my daughter how many people saw and appreciated her humor and she's extatic. I know she probably didn't come up with the joke herself but this was one of the first times she really got me with a good one and I thought I'd share it with some fellow dads and others.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
My socially anxious friend just got a PhD in palindrome studies.
π︎ 9k
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︎ Apr 12 2021
Get that extra pep in your step from this well
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︎ Apr 29 2021
The cast of βFriendsβ got stuck at sea in a boat, but thankfully nothing happened.
π︎ 8k
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︎ Apr 13 2021
I am reading a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is gonna happen, I can feel it.
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︎ May 01 2021
At least he won't turn over in his grave.
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 27 2021
I told my daughter, βGo to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.β Puzzled, she asked, βWhatβs that got to do with anything?β I chuckled, "Well, that means..."
"Itβs pasture bedtime!β
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︎ Mar 26 2021
Why did Karl Marx write in all lowercase letters?
Because he hated capitalism
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︎ May 03 2021
What's the highest rank in the popcorn army?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 17 2021
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for fresh prints
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Reflecting on Prince Philip death, I was chatting with the Mrs and I said, I know Iβm getting a little older, but I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.
She got up, unplugged my laptop and threw out my beerβ¦.
EDIT: Thanks for the kind awards... My first ever! β€οΈ
π︎ 4k
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︎ Apr 09 2021
Live savings spent in a second
π︎ 5k
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︎ Mar 05 2021
My 6 year old told me this one today. Why do dogs carry bones in their mouths?
Because they don't have pockets.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 14 2021
What do you call a polar bear in the jungle?
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 04 2021
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 03 2021
Anyone interested in buying my Delorean? Great condition, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
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︎ Apr 23 2021
It's pretty obvious, that if you run in front of a moving car, you will get tired. But if you run behind it..
..do you just get exhausted ?
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 02 2021
My girlfriend left me while I was crying in the bathroom with constipation. She told me that I was so full of it.
It was the hardest dump I ever took
π︎ 7k
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︎ Mar 06 2021
My therapist just told me I have extreme difficulty in picking up social cues.
I think she is in love with me.
π︎ 10k
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︎ Mar 05 2021
True story: I was a kid, watching TV in our living room. My dad was outside using the grill. All of a sudden he bursts in the door hopping on one foot yelling βI stepped on a Bee!β
I was so concerned I jumped up and ran over to him...
Earlier that day my friend and I who were really into mountain biking had been using really sticky letters to put our names on our bikes. We were working near the general area of the BBQ.
Apparently I had dropped one...
Stuck to the bottom of my dads foot was the letter B....
A legendary dad joke from a legendary dad.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Mar 07 2021
My GF dressed up as a police woman and told me I was under arrest under the suspicion that I was good in bed c
After 3 mins all charges were dropped due to lack of evidence
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︎ Apr 10 2021
βSo whatβs it like living in the mountains?β
Itβs got itβs ups and downs
π︎ 300
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Guys, make your woman feel special. Place a framed photo of her in the kitchen...
....and write "EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH" on top.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
In honor of former president Donald J. Trump
π︎ 29k
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︎ Jan 20 2021
Today I learned that if you're in a canoe and it flips over in water...
....you can safely wear it on your head... because it's capsized.
π︎ 11k
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︎ Feb 23 2021
The gun actually goes off in the 2nd...
π︎ 1k
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︎ Apr 16 2021
One time I posted 10 jokes in a row, hoping at least one would make Dads laugh on r/dadjokes
Sadly, no pun in ten did.
π︎ 393
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︎ Apr 21 2021
When you are at rock bottom in life...
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︎ Mar 23 2021
I wanted to go to the local aquarium to see the new dolphin show, but when I got there I couldnβt get in.
It was closed for training porpoises.
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︎ May 02 2021
My 7 year old, gazing in wide eyed wonder asked, "Is the Aurora Borealis heavy?"
I said, "No, it's pretty light. "
π︎ 525
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︎ Apr 17 2021
Do they allow loud laughter in Hawaii?
π︎ 88
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︎ Apr 28 2021
I tried to climb a really tall tower in France...
π︎ 172
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︎ Apr 30 2021
Got drunk yesterday and puked in the elevator on my way back home.
It was disgusting on so many levels.
π︎ 252
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︎ Apr 29 2021
Two goldfish are in a tank.
One says to the other, "do you know how to drive this thing?"
π︎ 2k
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︎ Mar 14 2021
You do know that modern appliances are really spying on us, and sending back data on our habits. In fact..
Vacuum cleaners have been gathering dirt on us for years.
π︎ 170
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︎ Apr 23 2021
To all ya'll in Texas without tap water
π︎ 5k
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︎ Feb 21 2021
Anyone out there interested in buying my DeLorean ? Great condition, low mileage..
.. really only driven from time to time.
π︎ 710
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︎ Apr 19 2021
I told my 7 year old daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field."
Puzzled she asked, "What's that got to do with anything?
I chuckled, "Well that means....its pasture bedtime. "
π︎ 407
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︎ Apr 18 2021
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