Get in a pun battle with me, and I’ll have to put on my...
I finally came up with a plan to get rid of the ice on my driveway
I have it all thawed out.
My 8yo daughter made me proud and came up with this: I don't get why pirates go around on boats...
They should be in the arrrrmy
A lot of people on Reddit seem to have a problem with vegans, but I don’t get it.
I have never had a beef with one.
My wife went to get a pedicure with her mother. She sent me a text saying that they have an exfoliating, foot scrub that has CBD/Hemp oil in it and she was going to try it out...I replied “baby, do you realize that you left the house with slippers on...
But you are coming back with high heels”. Her mom sent me a text asking me what I said that made my wife throw her phone in to her lap and groan aloud. Mission accomplished haha
I cannot get on board with colonizing Venus
I don't work well under pressure nor do I like toxic work environment.
Why can't anyone get a photograph of a grizzly with shoes or socks on?
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says, “Ugh! That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman storms off to the rear of the bus and sits down. She turns to the man sitting next to her and says, “The driver just insulted me!” The man says, “You go and give him a telling off. I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
The record store owner needed to get the albums by a Canadian band with Neil Pert on drums out on sale before Halloween...
So he put in a Rush order!
A man walks into the Drs office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "What can I do for you today?" The duck says "Doc, can you get this guy off my tail?"
Fishing on an inland lake on an island this weekend with my daughter. This island generates lots of power via wind turbines. Anyway, We are on the lake and it gets rough and REALLY windy. Pretend to get mad and yell at the power station...
"Turn off the damn fans, I'm trying to fish over here and you are creating too much wind"...
groans ensue.....
Get on with it
Carbon dating goes back 50,000 years, when will carbon get married?
A man is filling up his car with gas and accidentally gets some on his hand...
He doesn’t notice it and when he gets into his car, he lights a cigarette.
His arm instantly catches on fire.
The man sticks his arm out the window and begins to wave it around, attempting to blow out the flames crawling up his sleeve.
A policeman sees the man struggling with his arm on fire and arrests him on the spot...for an unlicensed firearm.
If it doesn't rain on Wednesday, my girlfriend promised to get mildly frisky with me
Hopefully it'll be a dry hump day.
A man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe, the barman asks what he can get them and the man orders a pint for himself and 20 shots for the giraffe, the giraffe necks all 20 shots and falls on the ground, the man goes to leave the bar and the barman says "HEY, you can't leave that lyin there!"
The man says "that's not a lion, that's a giraffe"
my dad surprised me with this clever play on words, took me a minute to get at the time
just got home from the first day of school (i was in debate class at school)--
dad: how was school?
me: it was good, but a few of my friends dropped debate class
dad: dropped debate? what are they, fishermen?
When you're out on a date with your honey, and your nose gets a little runny. She might think it's funny...
Me: Can I get a number one with tots and a lemonade, no lettuce on my burger please?
The guy at Burger Place who took my order: "No problem, LETTUCE take care of that for you!"
My eyes rolled so hard I'm pretty sure he heard them through the microphone.
I have a diabetic racist uncle who doesn't get on with milk.
He lacks toes and tolerance.
Always get my Algebra class with the last problem on the board
The problem (or some part of it) will let me ask: "How much is 5Q and 5Q?"
"10Q!"
"You're welcome. Okay, one more problem . . . "
They fall for it three or four times per year.
I tried to get my girlfriend to go with me on a vacation to northern Canada...
But she wasn't having Nunavut.
I just can't get on board with these contactless payments
without them I can barely see the machine
My girlfriend should learn to buckle up when she gets in a head on collision with my dadjokes.
My girlfriend was shopping for a new vehicle when she messaged me and said, "I can't find a standard to test drive. It saddens me."
To which I replied, "You mean it sedans you?"
A woman gets on a Bus with her Baby.
A woman gets on a Bus with her Baby. The Bus Driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest Baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you,
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: “That's the ugliest baby that I've ever seen
Ugh!” The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says: “You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey for you.”
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