Me: Sorry I'm late. I broke down on the way to work.
Boss: Is your car with the mechanic?
Me: Car?
π︎ 10k
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︎ May 31 2021
The police suspected that my daughter accidentally burnt our house down
π︎ 932
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︎ May 23 2021
I donβt understand why my son was so upset I gave him broken down cardboard for his birthday.
Heβs the one who kept asking for an ex-box.
π︎ 328
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︎ May 27 2021
How do lumberjacks shut down their computers?.
π︎ 89
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︎ May 31 2021
...never gonna let you down! Never gonna run around...
π︎ 207
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︎ Apr 25 2021
So I'm walking down stairs with my 2 year old son this morning when my wife calls from the kitchen...
"Hey, you boys Wahstarving?"
"umm... what?"
"Cause I've got WAHFULLS!"
(She was so proud, a decent dad joke from the mama panda)
π︎ 42
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︎ May 28 2021
A magician is walking down a street...
π︎ 27
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︎ Jun 05 2021
Itβs sad the neighborhood went down the crapper
π︎ 516
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︎ Apr 10 2021
When I was a kid, having fun was simple, we just rolled down hills in old tires..
Yes..those were the Goodyears.
π︎ 73
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︎ May 17 2021
Iβm about to share a joke thatβll turn r/dadjokes upside down
π︎ 620
π
︎ Mar 24 2021
Two men are going down the street, one runs into a bar..
π︎ 26
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︎ Jun 05 2021
How did Harry Potter get down the mountain?
π︎ 11
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︎ May 23 2021
How do you get down from an elephant?
You can't. You can only get down from a duck.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
Why did the old lady fall down the well?
She didnβt see that well.
π︎ 61
π
︎ May 16 2021
Driving down the highway with my son
And we were passed by a large semi hauling a load of cattle. I pointed to it and remarked "Well, if that's not fast food, I don't know what is..."
π︎ 8
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︎ May 27 2021
I once fell in love with a melon farmerβs daughter. But when I asked if she wanted to run away and get married in secret, she turned me down.
She told me she cantaloupe.
π︎ 20
π
︎ May 22 2021
When you're down, by the sea, and an eel bites your knee...
π︎ 69
π
︎ May 05 2021
What did Darth Vader say when his car broke down 3 miles outside of town?
π︎ 105
π
︎ May 04 2021
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn't see himself doing it!
π︎ 52
π
︎ May 08 2021
A man rushed into a Doctor's surgery, shouting ' help me please, I'm shrinking ' The Doctor calmly said ' now settle down a bit '..
..' you'll just have to learn to be a little patient '
π︎ 560
π
︎ Apr 16 2021
What watches over a castle when the sun goes down?
π︎ 81
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︎ May 11 2021
How do you cut down the Roman Empire?
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 08 2021
My talking washing machine broke down today and started complaining that it was my fault,
I said, no one talks to me like that, you're out of order
π︎ 16
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︎ Jun 04 2021
I was really scared when I started as a pilot. I looked down nervously and said: "What are all these buttons for?"
The co-pilot said: "They keep your shirt closed."
π︎ 39
π
︎ May 18 2021
My wife will buy anything that's marked down.
Yesterday she came home with an escalator.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Jun 01 2021
What did the boy say as he accidentally fell down the slide?
π︎ 16
π
︎ May 18 2021
I finally sat down to read my first Wikipedia article
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jun 06 2021
My broken down car is haunted by the ghost of a mechanic...
He told me he really wants a pay rise but his supervisor can't review his performance without a working car-boo-rator.
π︎ 12
π
︎ May 23 2021
My dad fell down the stairs and broke his arm.
He couldn't stop laughing though, it was a humerus situation.
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 04 2021
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jun 01 2021
Where does a catcher sit down to eat dinner?
π︎ 29
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︎ May 07 2021
What do you get, when you pour down hot water into a rabbit hole?
π︎ 23
π
︎ May 05 2021
What happens when a frogs car breaks down?
π︎ 127
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︎ Apr 26 2021
Doc told me he has good news and bad news for me. Bad news is my organs are shutting down from my eating only pepperoni, ham & salami.
Good news is, Iβm cured!
π︎ 7
π
︎ May 22 2021
Two pretzels walk down the street.
π︎ 68
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︎ Apr 24 2021
The other day a bunch of books fell down on my head.
I guess I only have my shelve to blame!
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 18 2021
My wife told me that this middle eastern themed flea market down the road got shut down over the weekend.
Well thatβs bazaar, I thought.
π︎ 5
π
︎ May 31 2021
Don't let your guard down
π︎ 50
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︎ Apr 21 2021
I wrote down the names of all the people I hate on a piece of paper, but my roommate used it roll up a joint.
Now heβs high on the list of people I never want to talk to again.
π︎ 20k
π
︎ Dec 03 2020
I made this pun and I got 23 downvotes before it was taken down by the mods. It was totally worth it lmfao
π︎ 5
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︎ May 06 2021
I took a walk down by the river the other day and I heard two birds speaking Spanish...
Turns out they were Portu-Geese
π︎ 10
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︎ Apr 27 2021
Prince Harry and Meghan Markle were down on their luck.
They took one of their prized possessionsβThe Star of The Empire, one of the worlds largest diamondsβto a famous yet discreet pawn shop outside of Las Vegas to ask for a loan.
The pawnbroker said "So I talked to my buddy who is an expert in diamonds to get his opinion. I can give you $200,000 for it."
Prince Harry said "You must be joking, I had this appraised at nearly 2 million pounds! Don't you know who I am, I'm a prince! My mother is Queen of The United Kingdom, Elizabeth II!!"
The pawnbroker said "$200k, take it or leave it. When you wish to pawn a star, makes no difference who you are..."
π︎ 12
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︎ May 12 2021
What do you get when you drop a piano down a mine shaft?
π︎ 40
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︎ Apr 22 2021
A rabbiβs car broke down
He had to walk ten miles north to the nearest town. By the time he arrived he was famished, so he ran to the nearest diner and asked for the quickest meal possible. The server arrives and gives him a plate that was meant for a delivery, the rabbi eats most of the food and after heβs finished he realizes he didnβt know what he ate. Scared, he asks the server βIs this pork?β
The server says βNo, iss lamb.β
π︎ 6
π
︎ May 24 2021
What do you call a narcissistic criminal walking down the stairs?
A condescending
Con descending
π︎ 10
π
︎ Apr 30 2021
What do you call it when a felon goes down stairs
π︎ 20
π
︎ Apr 18 2021
Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He just couldn't see himself doing it.
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 22 2021
Why did the man fall down the well?
Because he couldnβt see that well.
π︎ 15
π
︎ May 30 2021
What do you get when you throw a piano down a mineshaft?
π︎ 154
π
︎ Apr 03 2021
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