True story, just happened, proud of myself: Dog starts barking furiously out of nowhere. Come to the door to see she's startled a pair of guys from a roofing company who've come to fix a hole where squirrels are getting in.
"Sorry about her. Her specialty is also roofing."
Blank stares. My talents are so wasted without kids.
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︎ Apr 14 2021
Easy come, Easy go!
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︎ Apr 12 2021
I found a lamp that said that if I rubbed it, a genie would come out and grant me three wishes, but when I did it nothing happened
I must have rubbed him the wrong way
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︎ Jun 06 2021
Did you know the Mortal Kombat theme song actually comes from a Scandinavian church song?
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︎ May 25 2021
I was at the horse racing track today and this guy comes over to me and says, "You want the winner of the next race?"
"No Thanks!!" I said. "I've only got a small garden."
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︎ Jun 06 2021
Is an insect that comes from the moon....
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︎ Jun 04 2021
I asked my kids if they could come up with a word that had 3 letters of the alphabet in a row?
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︎ May 25 2021
What type of fish only comes out at night?
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︎ May 21 2021
I just spent $300 on a limo and learned it doesnβt come with a driver.
I canβt believe I have nothing to chauffer it.
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︎ May 14 2021
What comes between fear and sex?
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︎ Jun 01 2021
US Soldier - did u come here to die?
Aussie Soldier - Nah mate, came 'ere yesterdie.
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︎ May 31 2021
How come there arenβt any casinos in Africa?
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︎ Jun 01 2021
In 'Laughter' the L comes first.
The rest of the letters comes 'aughter' it.
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︎ May 30 2021
Why did E come out of the bathroom U?
He musta had a vowel movement.
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︎ Jun 05 2021
What do you call a cat that comes in from the rain?
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︎ May 25 2021
I miss my three ducks. I want to raise some more. But, come to think of it, they were so rude. They all took off one day, left a real mess, and never got back to me.
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︎ May 24 2021
As a kid I could walk into a store with a dollar and come out with 2 candy bars and a bag of chips
And now they have cameras.
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︎ May 23 2021
When it comes to limbo...
I set the bar pretty high.
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︎ Jun 02 2021
My school bully told me Iβm bad at come-backs. So I told them that
that- uhhh... that they- theyβre- uhhh- stup- I mean- uhm...
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︎ May 17 2021
Where does horseradish come from?
Radishes that are heavy smokers.
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︎ Jun 02 2021
The Lord said "come forth and you shall receive life."
John came fifth and won a toaster.
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︎ May 27 2021
Help me come up with puns which include the name Todd
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︎ Apr 07 2021
Where do really small apples come from?
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︎ May 08 2021
God said to Moses come forth my son
But the silly bastard tripped and came fifth
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︎ May 09 2021
I tried to come up with a pun about carpentry, but itβs harder than it sounds.
Almost nothing wood work.
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︎ Apr 17 2021
I took my new cat back to the shop as it won't come in doors and just keeps running round the outside of my house.
The shop keeper refused to take it back saying that I asked for a lap cat!
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︎ Jun 02 2021
If you come to a line of cats, why do you have to pay to cross it?
Because it's a feline.
My family doesn't appreciate my humor.
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︎ Apr 15 2021
How come a one-armed man never asks for help?
He prefers to do things single-handedly.
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︎ May 19 2021
How come they call a place where horses are kept a "stable"β¦
And not a neigh-bourhood?
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︎ Apr 12 2021
My singing ensemble director told us we had to come to a second show.
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︎ May 25 2021
My sister didnβt want to come out of the closet
So I had to break the door down
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︎ May 23 2021
How come Santa never rides his open sleigh in May?
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︎ May 15 2021
I come from a family of magicians.
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︎ Mar 21 2021
You come to the end of the road. North of you is the red house, west is the green house, east is the blue house. Where is the white house?
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︎ May 11 2021
I hear she has really come out of her shell.
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︎ Apr 16 2021
Where do diamonds come from?
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︎ May 14 2021
Earth Day comes once a year, but...
Sunday comes once a week.
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︎ Apr 22 2021
"Dad, how come you never make dad jokes?"
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︎ Apr 19 2021
When trans boys come out...
They need to get something off their chest
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︎ Apr 03 2021
The punchline always come before the joke
What is the worst part about time travel jokes?
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︎ Mar 23 2021
Why did the 20th century come before the 21st?
Because twenty first century.
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︎ May 03 2021
How come there are so many people named βSmithβ and βJonesβ in the phone book?
Because they all have phones.
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︎ May 02 2021
If it comes down to a choice of superman...
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︎ May 04 2021
What does a pirate say when he comes to the north pole?
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︎ May 04 2021
Where do the best Ninjas come from?
Out of Nowhere.
Explanation: I asked my five year old this question to tell a joke Iβd seen on Reddit. His answer was way better than mine so here you go, dads!
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︎ Apr 15 2021
Iβve finally come up with a chronology joke.
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︎ Mar 30 2021
We have an awesome tire swing at our home and my two year old started to push it, with no one on it, and I noticed he was pushing it harder and harder and I got worried it would come back and hit him
He was playing with tire.
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︎ Apr 27 2021
I'm not usually secretive when it comes to base units.
But there is one that makes me KG.
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︎ Apr 30 2021
If youβre Russian when you go in the washroom and youβre Finnish when you come out, what are you when youβre in there?
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︎ May 05 2021
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