Thereβs two old men sitting on their front porch when a dog comes up and starts licking itβs junk
One of the old men goes, man I wish I could do that.
The other says, you canβt do that. That dogβll bite you.
π︎ 57
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︎ Jan 31 2021
It took me over 6 months to come up with a joke about calendars and clocks.
π︎ 11
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︎ Mar 02 2021
Honest LPT: I got embarrassed the other day, and want to help other people avoid making my mistake. Now this might seem counterintuitive, but if you come up with a good dad joke MEMORIZD it and NEVER write it down. Because the moment you put it on paper...
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︎ Jan 26 2021
When it comes to decorating the Christmas tree, I've got a leg up on the competition. My cat says I passed out under the tree again, but I told her to stop pulling my leg.
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︎ Dec 28 2020
Sleeping comes so naturally to me, I could do it with my eyes closed.
π︎ 19
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︎ Dec 16 2020
I probably won't see Wonder Woman 1984 when it comes out.
I still haven't seen Wonder Woman 2 through 1983.
π︎ 8
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︎ Dec 24 2020
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
π︎ 8k
π
︎ Jun 20 2020
Why is research more trustworthy if it comes from France?
π︎ 15
π
︎ Dec 29 2020
Where did it come from?
π︎ 7
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︎ Dec 02 2020
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
π︎ 116
π
︎ Oct 15 2020
Two French IT guys have come up with a new system to share files electronically.
Itβs a Pierre to Pierre network.
π︎ 50
π
︎ Oct 28 2020
Joe sure is patient when it comes to waiting for the results of the election
All I hear is Joe Biden his time till the results are finalized!
π︎ 6
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︎ Nov 05 2020
My wife said, βYou think I have OCD when it comes to tidiness, but you are wrong..β
βI just wanted to clear that up.β
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︎ Nov 02 2020
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
When it comes to winning elections...
Either Biden your time or be Trumped.
π︎ 5
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︎ Nov 03 2020
What do you call it when you throw a middle aged woman off a building and they come back to you?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 23 2020
It is amazing how a considerable ammount of people think chocolate milk comes from brown cows...
But I am still looking for the pink cows!
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 06 2020
After days, it felt nice to finally come clean
π︎ 25
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︎ Sep 21 2020
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 18 2020
I have a boomerang joke I canβt seem to remember it maybe it will come back to me
I do seem to remover it went over peopleβs heads
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 16 2020
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. Itβs an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
π︎ 3
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︎ Jul 09 2020
I bought some dandruff treatment, but it did not come with instructions.
It left me scratching my head.
π︎ 11
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︎ Jul 29 2020
It really comes back to hit you hard!
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 11 2020
My wife said she was leaving me because, βI canβt do anything right when it comes to housework.β Selfish woman...
...it took me hours to mop that carpet.
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π
︎ Jul 15 2020
When it comes to safety,
Face masks go hand in hand with gloves.
π︎ 4
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︎ Aug 09 2020
It's been a lifelong dream of mine to live in a house with my own clone. But the science has just come out that most people would hate dealing with someone identical to them.
I just don't think I can live with myself after hearing that.
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︎ Jul 18 2020
When it comes to shops that don't have social distancing lines
I don't know where I stand.
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︎ Jul 05 2020
What do you call it when nobody comes to the inauguration?
An unpresidented situation.
π︎ 7
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︎ Jul 15 2020
What comes before thunder and knows its manners?
π︎ 11
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︎ Jun 22 2020
When it comes to motorcycle jokes
π︎ 6
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︎ Jun 24 2020
(For Star Trek dads) Locutus of Borg redid his kitchen floor. A bit of it didn't come up easily, though...
The resistance was a few tiles.
π︎ 5
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︎ Jun 18 2020
If you come across a cow in post-apocalyptic times, you'd better not let it go.
That would be a missed steak.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Jun 12 2020
When it comes to being bipolar...
I kind of have a love/hate relationship with it.
π︎ 9
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︎ Jun 08 2020
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it...
The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."
He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling."
So the magistrate kept listening, "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate.
He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."
π︎ 363
π
︎ Oct 12 2019
All these deadly viruses we should be worried about, but when it comes to media attention...
... corona takes the crown
π︎ 10
π
︎ Mar 09 2020
When it comes to jokes about Eugenics,
π︎ 6
π
︎ Mar 24 2020
How come it used to cost a quarter to pump your tires at the gas station, and now it costs a dollar?
π︎ 29
π
︎ Feb 19 2020
My wife wanted to buy a ceiling light. She said, βthis one comes with a hanging chain but I think we should just mount it flush with the ceiling.β
I said, βthat would be off the chain.β
π︎ 6
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︎ May 23 2020
I was able to finally make my baked dough come to life, but it was clumsy...
π︎ 5
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︎ May 24 2020
Today I was wearing a shirt with the family crest of my favorite painter Frida Kahlo. After a few hours I started to get hungry and ordered takeout. When my delivery person arrived he handed over my food without taking any money for bringing it to me. I asked him βHow come thereβs no charge?β
He replied: I was going to charge you, but I noticed you had Frida Liveryβ
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︎ Mar 13 2020
Itβs tough to come up with a new brand of bug spray.
You always have to start from scratch.
π︎ 2
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︎ Jun 06 2020
I keep trying to make pound cake, but it never comes out right.
It's always off by a few ounces.
π︎ 3
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︎ May 13 2020
Tech tip: Itβs dangerous to download βCome Sail Awayβ or βSatisfactionβ on ITunes. βTurn, Turn, Turnβ is perfectly fine however.
Styx and Stones may break your phones, but the Byrds will never hurt you.
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︎ Apr 05 2018
I really don't like hanging around horses. Every time I come up with an idea, they say it won't work.
They're a bunch of neigh-sayers.
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︎ Feb 12 2020
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
π︎ 42
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
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