Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.
Heβs my spirit guide.
Edit: Thanks guys.
π︎ 14k
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︎ Oct 03 2020
New Teslas don't come with that new car smell...
...Instead, they come with an Elon Musk.
π︎ 121
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︎ Oct 19 2020
My friend just hired a limo for $1000 but it didn't come with a driver.
Imagine spending all that money with nothing to chauffeur it!
π︎ 118
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︎ Oct 15 2020
With great power comes...
...a lot of work over a short time.
Probably not Watt you expected, right? I currently currently feel a little resistance to this joke.
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︎ Oct 20 2020
With great potential come great opportunities
π︎ 277
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︎ Aug 27 2020
I was hired to come up with a slogan for 2020 that is just as catchy as Click It or Ticket
I chose Mask It or Casket
π︎ 8k
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︎ Jun 20 2020
A Chihuahua and a Bulldog are in a bar having a drink, when a good-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me." So the Bulldog says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."
Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone, cheese mine."
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︎ Oct 07 2020
I come bearing gifs
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 20 2020
How come the Hulk doesnβt lose his pants when he transforms?
The scientific experiments altered his jeans
π︎ 14k
π
︎ May 22 2020
Where do lizards go when their tails come off?
π︎ 23
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︎ Oct 12 2020
βHey, how come I can see right through you?β
βMy son came out as Transgender today, so that makes me Transparent.β
π︎ 9
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︎ Oct 14 2020
The newest Tesla doesnβt come with that new car smell
It comes with an Elon Musk
(Saw something similar on r/memes and decided it was better fit here)
π︎ 12
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︎ Oct 19 2020
There comes a great dilemma in life of every tomato
π︎ 4
π
︎ Oct 07 2020
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?
π︎ 9k
π
︎ May 15 2020
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and American when you come out of the bathroom, what are you while you're in the bathroom?
π︎ 29
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︎ Sep 17 2020
My three year old girl asked me, "Where does poo come from?" I was a little uncomfortable but decided to give her an honest explanation, so I explained, "You just ate breakfast, yes?"
"Yes." she replied.
"Well, the food goes into our tummies and our bodies take out all the good stuff, then whatever is left over, comes out of our bottoms when we go to the toilet! And that, is poo!"
She looked a little perplexed, stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, "And Tigger?"
π︎ 95
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︎ Aug 19 2020
If a Christmas carol comes from a hymn, where do Halloween carols come from?
π︎ 6
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︎ Oct 17 2020
Where do cow farts come from?
π︎ 27
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︎ Sep 20 2020
And Jesus said "come forth and win the kingdom of heaven!"
But I came 5th and won a teapot.
π︎ 11
π
︎ Sep 29 2020
Our dog only comes to us when we say, "Ven aqui!"
π︎ 5
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︎ Oct 01 2020
These days everyone seems to be going for progressiveness until it comes to something they really care about.
& hence I don't care 'bout anything.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 18 2020
And the Lord said unto John "Come forth and you shall receive eternal life".
But John came fifth, and he got hell
π︎ 4
π
︎ Sep 30 2020
I asked my gardener not to come back
All he does is trim my wifeβs bush and leaves.
π︎ 3
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︎ Oct 07 2020
Google is set to come out with a new browser that manages search results based solely on your DNA
Set to be called the Google Chromosome.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Oct 13 2020
I've been trying to come up with a clever name for an amputee support group.
π︎ 239
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
I sent an invitation to 40 of my German friends to come to my wedding
π︎ 4
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︎ Sep 26 2020
PPF is the one that comes after PPE, alphabetically!
The kids I was babysitting for were learning their alphabet. They had a hard time remembering what came after E, and they hear PPE frequently nowadays. They even told me it was a stupid joke.
π︎ 2
π
︎ Oct 11 2020
If coffee comes from coffee beans, where does alcohol come from?
π︎ 2
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︎ Oct 12 2020
With great power comes...
π︎ 516
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
My 9 month pregnant wife is ready to have our child any day now, but they just wonβt come. Sheβs tried everything she can at this point. Sex, walking, dancing, spicy foods, etc... So when I asked her what I could do to help she said βany means necessary.β
To which I replied βNo it doesnβt.β
π︎ 31
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
What happens to nitrogen when the sun comes up? It becomes daytrogen.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
After days, it felt nice to finally come clean
π︎ 25
π
︎ Sep 21 2020
When I promise to come up with an organ transplant pun.
π︎ 46
π
︎ Sep 06 2020
Weβve come to a fork in the road... donβt know where to go from here..
π︎ 12
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
How come you never see hippos hiding in trees
Because theyβre really good at it
π︎ 87
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
"I've come here to hand over this abandoned cygnet that I rescued and raised"
Animal shelter: "Nice swan".
π︎ 5
π
︎ Sep 28 2020
Where does steel wool come from?
π︎ 84
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
How come Trump doesnβt wear a mask?
He thinks he has diplomatic immunity.
π︎ 59
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
It is amazing how a considerable ammount of people think chocolate milk comes from brown cows...
But I am still looking for the pink cows!
π︎ 8
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︎ Sep 06 2020
A guy is walking through the woods one day when he comes across a suitcase. He takes a look inside, only to find a fox and her cubs. So he calls the ASPCA and tells the woman who answers what heβs found...
She says, βOh, thatβs horrible. Are they moving?β
The guy replies, βI donβt know, but that would explain the suitcase.β
π︎ 447
π
︎ Jun 30 2020
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
π︎ 15k
π
︎ Mar 22 2020
Nurse: A patient named Stephen has come into the hospital with acidosis (meaning their blood has become too acidic)
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
π︎ 14
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︎ Aug 30 2020
Where do all these ants come from?
Grandparents. Thatβs where a(u)nts come from.
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 11 2020
Man had the courage to come into my office and ask what the bucket, the rope, and the pipes were for...
π︎ 35
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︎ Sep 06 2020
What goes in hard and pink and comes out soft and wet?
π︎ 7
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︎ Sep 08 2020
Me: Dude! Come with me to the storage! I organized all the philosophy theses into plastic boxes with hanging files!
Unimpressed Friend: So, Crates...
π︎ 2
π
︎ Sep 17 2020
Where does okra come from?
Okrahoma. Iβm sure this is old but I heard it yesterday and had to share.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 20 2020
Might come in handy
π︎ 37
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︎ Jul 29 2020
I have a boomerang joke I canβt seem to remember it maybe it will come back to me
I do seem to remover it went over peopleβs heads
π︎ 9
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︎ Aug 16 2020
I travel all over the world and I'm regular, then I come home and suddenly I'm incontinent.
π︎ 6
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︎ Aug 11 2020
I come in peas
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Feb 12 2020
My carpentry teacher didn't come to class today.
I guess morning wood was canceled.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Sep 02 2020
What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
π︎ 50
π
︎ Jul 11 2020
What's the only root veggie that comes with a warning?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Aug 23 2020
The punchline comes before the joke.
What's the worst thing about time travel jokes?
π︎ 14
π
︎ Aug 25 2020
I was told shoes come in pears
When I bought some they came in a box, guess I was lied to
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 03 2020
Pansexuals shouldnβt come out of the closet
They should come out of the pantry
π︎ 35
π
︎ Jul 04 2020
If a drummer comes out of retirement...
If a drummer comes out of retirement, will there be repercussions?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 27 2020
Fortune tellers only come in one size
π︎ 29
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
I have come to love all of gods creatures.
Especially next to a pile of mashed potatoes.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
I've heard so much about the "Eye Of The Tiger", but how come no one talks aboutβ¦
β¦the other four letters?
π︎ 575
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︎ May 02 2020
Why did Episodes 4, 5 and 6 come out before 1, 2 and 3?
In charge of scheduling Yoda was.
π︎ 596
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︎ May 04 2020
Oldie but a goody. What comes after Sunday?
π︎ 8
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︎ Jul 21 2020
My wife brought home a parakeet yesterday. When she comes home, sheβs in for a surprise because ...
Toucan play at this game.
π︎ 6
π
︎ Aug 22 2020
Come on, heβs only human
π︎ 508
π
︎ Jun 05 2020
Where do pencils come from?
π︎ 16
π
︎ Jul 22 2020
How come no one at the kings table laughed when he farted?
Because noble gases don't cause reaction
π︎ 12k
π
︎ Jan 10 2020
Are you Tina Fey-mished? Would you care for Adele-ectable Meal? Come to Celebrit-Eats
Help me think of more celebrity food puns please!
The menu includes such dishes as:
-Marilyn Mon-roast beef
-Patrick Stew-art
-Tim Curry
-The Cate Blan-cheddar burger
-The Audrey Hep-burger
-Hayden Panet-tiramisu
-Leonard Nim-oysters
Add moreeeee
π︎ 2
π
︎ Jul 31 2020
My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.
I told him, "My door is always open".
π︎ 9k
π
︎ Jan 25 2020
I bought some dandruff treatment, but it did not come with instructions.
It left me scratching my head.
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π
︎ Jul 29 2020
My name is Jay and we are an Icelandish family. My wife and I could never come up with a name for our son.
π︎ 8
π
︎ Aug 12 2020
I called my friend to tell him about my big promotion and how it comes with a lot of new responsibilities now that I'm running the business. He asked what my new job was and how I was holding up.
I told him "I'm generally managing"
π︎ 3
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
I was wondering if this group could help me come up with puns for my husbands promotion watch. Itβs an omega speedmaster. He loves puns and I am truest bad at them.
π︎ 3
π
︎ Jul 09 2020
I come from afar too
π︎ 66
π
︎ Jun 23 2020
Which US state does all the horse hair come from?
π︎ 26
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
When you think of 2020, whatβs the first thing that comes to mind?
Coronavirus, right off the bat.
π︎ 94
π
︎ May 27 2020
Come to us when youβre stiff
π︎ 24
π
︎ Jun 28 2020
Where does bees wax come from?
π︎ 2
π
︎ Aug 19 2020
When it comes to safety,
Face masks go hand in hand with gloves.
π︎ 5
π
︎ Aug 09 2020
My son asked me, "How come there is a Father's Day, but not a Son Day?"
I replied, "Hey, there is a Son Day every week!"
π︎ 44
π
︎ Jun 21 2020
Ever have your kid come up with a better punchline than your original?
I went to ask my daughter:
Where do you park when you visit the moon?
(Originally I was gonna say at the parking meteor!)
But straight faced she replies:
Anywhere you can find space.
Then she grinned... (she knew what she was doing)... space dad. get it? in space....
Totally out dad joked by my own daughter.
π︎ 3k
π
︎ Jan 24 2020
Why do the dead never come back?
βCause theyβre boomers, not boomerangs!
π︎ 8
π
︎ Jul 29 2020
In the life of every tomato there comes a great dilemma
π︎ 6
π
︎ Oct 08 2020
And god said to John βcome forth and ye shall receive eternal life.β
But John came in fifth and only got a toaster.
π︎ 7
π
︎ Oct 01 2020
My friend just hired a limo for a $1000 but it didn't come with a driver !
Imagine spending all that money and having nothing to chauffeur it
π︎ 39
π
︎ Aug 15 2020
Jesus said unto John. Come forth and receive eternal life.
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 32
π
︎ Aug 21 2020
Where do cow farts come from?
π︎ 7
π
︎ Sep 20 2020
You know where cow farts come from?
π︎ 28
π
︎ Sep 10 2020
I tried my best to come up with a joke about social distancing.
But this is as close as I could get.
π︎ 19
π
︎ Aug 26 2020
Where do cow farts come from?
π︎ 17
π
︎ Aug 01 2020
I tried to come up with a joke about social distancing.
This is as close as I could get.
π︎ 18
π
︎ Aug 14 2020
I tried very hard to come up with a joke about social distancing.
But this is as close as I could get.
π︎ 13
π
︎ Jul 21 2020
And god said to John, come forth and receive eternal life
But he cane fifth and won a toaster
π︎ 11
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
Why did the Star Wars movies come out in 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?
Yoda: In charge of scheduling, I was.
π︎ 40
π
︎ Jun 29 2020
And the Lord said unto John "come fourth and receive eternal life"
But he came fifth and won a toaster.
π︎ 9
π
︎ Jul 30 2020
If you're Canadian when you go into the bathroom and again when you come out.. What are you whilst you're in there?
π︎ 6
π
︎ Jul 02 2020
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