The wife and I were at the marriage counselor. "Your wife says you never buy her flowers. Is that true?" The marriage counselor asked glaring at me.
I look at my wife frustratingly and shout "You never even told me you sold flowers!?"
Why didn't Aladdin buy anything at the Arabian market?
My wife’s mad at me because she said I never buy her flowers
I honestly didn’t even know she sold flowers
I wrote down all of the things my wife wants me to buy from the produce section at the grocery store...
At our restaurant, we make sure to buy our pickled cabbage from a variety of vendors.
We've discovered the value of kraut sourcing.
Sherlock Holmes never buys a TV Guide at Christmas.
My dad went to the store to buy milk, i said “sure, old man” and he said “im not good at comebacks”
When I was young, my parents used to buy all my sports gear but now that I’m an adult I figured I should splurge and buy myself a nice hockey stick. When I went looking at the store I realized that my parents would only buy me low quality, inexpensive sticks to save money.
Cheapskates!........cheap helmets, cheap gloves...
I went shopping at Coles to buy Mayonnaise, but they said it was illegal to buy without cabbage and carrots.
I was going to buy my kid this winter coat we saw at the mall, but I couldn't afford it.
I met a lady at a bar who was a housekeeper. I offered to buy her a drink. She said, "sure. I'll take a scotch..."
My Fiancée was at the store earlier and she texted me saying, “Should I buy new beach towels?”
To make extra money, my professor forces all the students to buy his book at the beginning of the term.
I read you can buy half a pillowcase down at Bed Bath and Beyond!
Turns out it was a total sham
A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.
The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”
Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps the son. He then sais “Okay, okay. We were watching porn”
Dad said “What?! At your age I didn’t know what porn was.” The robot slaps the father. Mom laughs and says “Wow. He certainly is your son.”
The robot slaps the mother.
I was at the grocery store, confused about how much lettuce to buy. So I called my wife for advice.
Turns out two heads are better than one.
I gave my daughter money to go buy a dog at the pet store. She disobeyed and came back with a cat instead.
You’ve got to be kitten me.
What did the duck buy at the store?
Why does the hypochondriac only buy 10 eggs at a time?
Because there's tumor in a dozen
I really want to buy one of those grocery dividers, but the lady at the checkout keeps putting it back
I meant to buy bananas at the store today...
But they totally slipped my mind.
What do you have when you buy the wrong meat at the store.
Mistake.
(My 7 yo daughter thought it up at the grocery today. Never been more proud.)
What did the girl buy at the bakery? “She-bought-a baguette!”
Why can you buy corn at KFC?
What did Matthew McConaughey buy at the lamp store?
A light, A light, A light!
Your mom only buys clothes at one store.
But she shops at the'm all.
I only buy one pear at a time
They should be sold in pairs
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore
——————————-
Best ocean to play sports in?
The Golf of Mexico
I was going to buy a shopping trolley at the supermarket.
But I didn't have anything to put it in.
My wife said she wants to buy a fancy pillowcase at the flea market
I told her careful it might be a sham
I meant to buy pickles at the store but I forgot to Gedney.
I was at the furniture store today but couldn't decide if I should buy a bed or not
I think I'll have to sleep on it
I only buy Edgar Allan Poe books at thrift stores...
That way I always pay less, nevermore
What did the math teacher buy at the seaside lingerie boutique?
I'm a little low on money at the moment to buy Injustice 2. I plan on trading games back to GameStop even though I will get next to nothing for it. I'll even trade in my original Injustice game for it...
that's what I call poetic injustice.
My son threw a temper tantrum at the store because I wouldn't buy him pickles
I told him it wasn't kosher to act like that and it's his bread and butter to not finish eating things he wants. He needs to dill with it.
So I got my wife yesterday at Best Buy
She's got an iPhone 6S and wanted a case, so I let her know she could also try and iPhone 7 case, but it covers the headphone jack.
Wife: I really like this one
Me: Now are you really okay with it covering the headphone jack?
Wife: oh this one doesn't, it's open at the bottom
Me: Huh. So it's on a case by case basis?
Let's just say I got my daily recommended value of eye roll.
Where's a good place for birds to buy tools and alcoholic beverages at the same time?
Dad and I stopped in at a one-star hotel that happened to have a bar. I was about to buy us beers when he said...
"Don't get your hops up. This place doesn't even have a porter."
Got my girlfriend with this over the weekend....As a car with giant subwoofers drove by blaring music and shaking the apartment building, I asked "you know how you buy one of those cars at the dealership?"
You just ask for the bass-line model.
Mixed nuts were buy one get one free at CVS today.
I told the cashier I normally don't buy so many of them, but this deal was just nuts.
My wife is mad at me because I never buy her flowers
I didn’t know she even sold flowers!
My professor makes all the students buy his book at the beginning of the term to make some profit.
To make extra money, my university professor makes all his students buy his book at the beginning of the term.
I really want to buy one of those grocery dividers, but the lady at the checkout keeps putting it back
My university professor forces the students to buy his book at the beginning of the semester.
Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.
