Why aren’t there any patrons in the gym on Sundays?

They’re at mass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
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How did you find your steak?" asked the waiter of a patron in the very expensive restaurant.

Just luck," the hungry man replied, sadly. "I happened to move that small piece of potato, and there it was!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/crazyfortaco
πŸ“…︎ Nov 29 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the patron saint of copying people in emails?

St. Francis of a CC

πŸ‘︎ 71
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DarDarBinks124
πŸ“…︎ Jul 10 2020
🚨︎ report
I was surprised to learn my family had never heard of the patron Saint of e-mails

So I had to tell them about Saint Francis of A CC

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hatchitt
πŸ“…︎ Sep 27 2020
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Who is the patron saint of homeless dogs and cats?

St. Ray

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/big_macaroons
πŸ“…︎ Mar 06 2020
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My wife drops me off in front of a restaurant in our Land Rover. Another patron notices the car and says, β€œThat must have been an expensive uber.”

To which I replied: β€œtell me about it. I’ve been with her for 20 years.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mckaneorg
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2019
🚨︎ report
Today I found out who the patron saint of silence is.

It is St.Fu.

πŸ‘︎ 302
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Apr 16 2018
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What do you call a patronizing psychic midget who is escaping from prison by rope?

A condescending con descending who is about to become a small medium at large

πŸ‘︎ 32
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomasbrakeline
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2018
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Shakespeare was hired by a theater to tend patrons' horses...

How did Shakespeare learn all about his new employer?

During its onbarding process.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mookmerkin
πŸ“…︎ May 02 2019
🚨︎ report
A sister was at the brothel offering patrons some puns,

but they didn't want nun.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AWYH
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2018
🚨︎ report
Some people say I’m too β€œpatronizing”

(That means I treat them like they’re stupid)

πŸ‘︎ 31
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Drake_Pancake
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2018
🚨︎ report
A man filling his car with gas, got some gas on his arm. He got in his car and lit a cigarette lighting his arm on fire. He flails around and other patrons help him put it out, just then 2 cops roll up...

They arrest him for waving a fire arm.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Stormtrooper-85
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2019
🚨︎ report
The patron saint of beleaguered IT support workers should be named Turner O'Finnanegan
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mc_tammer
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2017
🚨︎ report
I've been named the patron saint of Chipotle...

Call me Guaca-holy.

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCopperDimes
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2018
🚨︎ report
I told my employer to workout

now I'm a boss

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ebatm3
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2020
🚨︎ report
It required a lot of effort for a man to implement a rule about only allowing large-footed patrons into his restaurant.

It was no small feat.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/MuteMason
πŸ“…︎ Apr 05 2017
🚨︎ report
What do you call the patron saint of gross soups?

St.ew

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Jdrawer
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2016
🚨︎ report
The lonely 1-hour photo patron said

"Someday my prints will come."

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fpdubs
πŸ“…︎ Jul 28 2011
🚨︎ report
Overheard a fellow patron at the zoo

what passing by the snow leopard exhibit he says:

"That's no leopard"

i point it out to my gf while snickering and i get the look

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mhickey88
πŸ“…︎ May 01 2014
🚨︎ report
I nominate Tim Vine as our patron saint. youtube.com/watch?v=00dFz…
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ayedfy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2013
🚨︎ report
Police APB
πŸ‘︎ 59
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mexican_here
πŸ“…︎ Jun 02 2019
🚨︎ report
(UK) A B-road walks into a bar.

The B-road starts bragging extensively about his status as a B-road. The bar staff and patrons aren't impressed.

Then, an A-road struts in. The A-road immediately starts criticising the B-road, whilst also bragging about his own status. The two get into a big argument, and the patrons are starting to get riled up.

Then, a motorway barges his way into the bar, and starts boasting that he is better than the A-road and B-road combined. The argument escalates, and some customers grab their belongings, preparing to leave.

And then, a solid white line walks into the bar.

The whole bar falls silent. The argument stops dead in its tracks, and the three roads immediately disperse, avoiding eye contact with the new customer.

The solid white line goes up to the bar, orders a drink, and consumes it slowly. The bar is still silent. As soon as he is finished, the solid white line turns and leaves the bar without a word. The three roads breathe a sigh of relief.

The barman is astounded. "What the hell was that about?!" he exclaims.

"We don't mess with him" mutters the motorway.

"Why not?"

"He's a cycle path".

πŸ‘︎ 30
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ShredderSte
πŸ“…︎ Mar 03 2020
🚨︎ report
A dog sleepwalks into a bar . . .

He tells the bartender β€œZZZ I’m a cat ZZZ I’m a cat”. The bartender says β€œYes sir you are.” The sleepwalking dog leaves and a patron says β€œWhy did you agree with him? That dog’s not a cat!!” The bartender replies, β€œSometimes you gotta let sleeping dogs lie.”

πŸ‘︎ 266
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
A soda can, a gas tank and the Greek god Eros walked into a bar?

The bartender shook his head, β€œHere comes trouble.” A patron at the bar said, β€œWhat’s wrong?” The bartender replied, β€œThose guys get together and they become cantankeros.”

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/boogerknows
πŸ“…︎ Dec 06 2019
🚨︎ report
Now I know why restaurants don't serve rabbit soup

Patrons would constantly be yelling "waiter! There's a "hare" in my soup!"

πŸ‘︎ 9
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Shaftdriven73
πŸ“…︎ Oct 20 2019
🚨︎ report
Pearl Harbor of puns

If your onion sang hip-hop, would that be a rapscallion?

I used to be an astronaut, but I got tired of eating out of satellite dishes. I wasn't allowed to eat the Milky Way, even though I had to look at it every day. The worst thing was, I never got to visit The Space Bar. Then, when I was visiting the dark side of the moon, I was bitten by a parasite. Now, you might think it's crazy, but the doctor who removed it called it a lunar-tick.

If "womb" is pronounced "woom" and "tomb" is pronounced "toom", shouldn't "bomb" be pronounced "boom"?

China recently tested a new steroid. It basically turns you into The Hulk. The side effect is it could turn you into a crazed zombie that tends to rip the upper extremities from people. People are saying that this could be the zombie apocalypse. In my opinion, lips have nothing to do with it. I call it ARMageddon. The only way to stay safe now is to not let anyone close enough to disarm you.

I recently was going to join the railroad union. I decided against it because it's complicated. If I received instruction on driving the locomotive, would they call it engineering, or training?

I got a sad story about a flower. I don't know who the heck she pissed off, but damn, now she's a Black-Eyed Susan.

I finally figured out what makes leaves angry. Fall. They get so mad they change color. Some are yellow. They're just afraid and run from their problems. The other ones usually just leave.

I went parachuting with my military buddies once. We landed on a department store. I told him I think we're at the wrong coordinates. He said: "Nope. We're right on Target"

I asked a psychologist if Native Americans have strong emotions. He said "Oh yeah, they're intense".

If a psychotic person thought something made sense, would that thought be psychological?

If Matt Damon were searching for a secondhand store, would he be Goodwill Hunting?

My friend is a Marksman for the military. One day, he went to the armory and asked for 3 snipers. They gave him a candy bar. It was a 3 Musketeers.

I want to be there if Dwayne Johnson ever uses a pizza stone. That way I can smell what "The Rock" is cookin'.

Christopher bought a lemon, and the car broke down. Now Christopher Walken.

Have you heard about the latest bank battle on Wall Street? Capital One and Chase got in a fight and Capital One.

You know what a pirate says to his wenches when he sees the shoreline? "LAND HO!"

A man finds a lamp in the desert and dusts it off. Poof! A genie p

... keep reading on reddit ➑

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PraetorSolaris
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
🚨︎ report
Did you hear the one about the three-legged dog who walked into a bar?

He was "lookin' for the man who shot his paw."

πŸ‘︎ 56
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πŸ‘€︎ u/vegtosterone
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2017
🚨︎ report
I am the proud owner of a family-run barber shop

For centuries, we've used our shop as a means of teaching the youngest of our lineage the importance of teamwork, the value of a dollar and, most importantly, the self-satisfaction felt in a job well-done.

In the past few weeks, it's been repeatedly brought to my attention that our youngest child, Sheeran, has been demonstrating particularly helpful and productive tendencies so, today, I felt it was finally time to experience the honor of rewarding his efforts, offering him the opportunity to join our workforce; to which he was nothing short of ecstatic!

I'll be honest, I initially withheld concerns that his excitement would subside once I explained the sorts of menial work I'd have to start him off on but, to my relief, he took no issue in hearing that his duties would mostly revolve around wiping our patrons' hair off of the chairs, and sweeping it up from the floor.

Sharing a moment of beautiful silence, exchanging our most heartfelt of smiles and basking in this pivotal moment of his development, I placed my hand on his shoulder and said, "Son...

You are really going to have your work cut out for you."

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/somenewinfo
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2019
🚨︎ report
A string is walking home one Friday evening after a long week at work

And so the string decides that he shall stop at his favorite Pub and treat himself to a pint before going home to the wife. But after a decent walk he arrives at the pub to find a new sign on the door that reads " No Strings Allowed".

The string becomes infuriated. "How dare they" he thinks to himself. After having been a loyal patron for 10 years he decides this injustice is not to be tolerated and comes up with a plan.

He takes a moment and steps into the back alley way to be discreet. While he is there he ties himself into a knot and frays the top. Content with his disguise he marches back around to the front, enters the bar and has a seat when requests a pint of beer.

The bartender being a little suspicious looks at him a little uneasily but just can't seem to peg what the problem is. He serves him the beer regardless while keeping a close eye on the suspicious character. A little while later the string decides that the week at work has been so long that he is deserving of two pints of beer before going home to retire for the weekend.

It is just at that point when the bartender is serving him his second pint that he pauses and looks at the string and says "Hold on one minute! Aren't you a string?"

To which the string replied, "Sorry, I'm a frayed knot".

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CannaBrained
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2019
🚨︎ report
St. Atue

The patron saint of standing still for long periods of time...

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2019
🚨︎ report
A skeleton walks into a bar...

...and asks for a beer and a mop.

*I am a bartender, and was told this dad joke while working last night. After it sunk in, I bought the patron a beer.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/dr00b
πŸ“…︎ Apr 24 2016
🚨︎ report
If you don't want to buy something because it will fund a condescending king...

... then you don't want to patronise a patronising patron.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Quillo_Manar
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2015
🚨︎ report
Two Popes walk into a bar.

One of the other patrons points at them both and says, "Now there's something you don't see every day."

Another patron points at each one in turn and says "I've seen the one in here before, but the other is unorthodox."

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Myntrith
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2016
🚨︎ report
Dadjoked at chilis today

Stepmother: its so cold in here

Patron: yeah we are sitting right under the vents.

Dad: thats why its called chilis!

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lemywincks
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2014
🚨︎ report
Dadjoke while walking into 40k store. No takers. Lets see what I get here

First time at a Warhammer 40k store. I'm familiar with the game but have never played. Display window has a seven foot marine figure that is painted and badass. As I walk in,

"Whoa! How many points to play him?!?"

Me pointing at marine. Three nerds playing magic stop to look at me. Store employee looks up without moving his head. Two other store patrons turn to look at me.

Crickets.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/tfghost416
πŸ“…︎ Aug 22 2014
🚨︎ report
Who is the patron saint of email?

Saint Francis of a cc

πŸ‘︎ 19
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TabCompletion
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2020
🚨︎ report
Who is the patron saint of copying people into emails?

St. Francis of a CC

πŸ‘︎ 20
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πŸ‘€︎ u/theprogrammerx
πŸ“…︎ Mar 21 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the Patron Saint of copying people into emails?

St. Francis of a CC

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/JDGeek
πŸ“…︎ Mar 19 2019
🚨︎ report
Who is the patron saint of emails?

St. Francis of a CC.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Skiftonoid
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2018
🚨︎ report
Who is the patron saint of email?

St Francis of a CC.

πŸ‘︎ 28
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πŸ‘€︎ u/timotab
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2016
🚨︎ report

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