Transact Puns

Short sales.

"Certainly," I replied. "It's a big building with money inside."

Pointing his firearm at two cashiers, he shouts “hand over the contents of the cash register! I need it to set myself up in a trade or profession...you know, a habitual occupation followed for a livelihood and involving commercial transactions!”

Cashier 1: “What do we do?”

Cashier 2: “Do what he says, I think he means business!”

Life Goals:

Have a daughter

Name her 'Dearly'

Train her to be an accountant

Employ her at my business

Wrap up every transaction with: Now you'll pay Dearly for this.

EDIT: Spelling

It doesn’t make any cents

A micro-transaction

They’re calling it coleslaw.

They use papal transactions

Narnia business!

...a transaction

Dad: I can't believe it, this guy is selling his wife.

Mom: What are you talking about?

Dad: He has a sign in his yard that says 'local honey for sell'.

A Transaction

She said "transaction denied, insufficient buns."

It is a transaction, after all.

Sitting on the toilet at work. I finished the transaction and after wiping once, I was surprised that it was a ghost wipe.

I looked at the paper and thought to myself "No shit".

Bert stared at the stall door.

I was working the counter yesterday and we had an exceptionally long line for a Wednesday. There was one customer who was taking forever to finish up the transaction. When I got to the man next in line, I Immediately apologized.

"Sorry for the wait, Sir."
"Oh, I haven't stepped on a scale in years. Has it gotten that bad?"

cue facepalm

Too bad,that micro transaction is going to cost you

The transaction didn't go through. There was a chip error.

Me: "Chip error?

That's funny, I'm not even buying any chips."

This produced a groan from the cashier and at least two people in line behind me.

Wife and I are buying a house and going through financial records. Seeing how our loan company is questioning every single transaction, a mysterious deposit was made that took us a while to figure out where it came from. When we finally figured out the transaction:

Wife: "That could have been a real booger."

Me: "You think it's a booger, but it snot!"

I recently joined a CSF - a community supported fishery. Once a week, I'll pick up a filet of freshly-caught salmon, a bag of shellfish, or other such delights from the Pacific Ocean and bring it home to my darling wife and children to much joy (or anguish, depending on who you're asking.)

You get to choose your pick-up spot, and I chose a location close to my office, so I could swing by on the way home; it's a nautical-themed bar, appropriate for such a business transaction. "Go to the bartender and ask for the fish", say the instructions; so I did, and he handed me the catch of the day. Gleaming white filets, glorious they were. Then I met a friend of mine, and after chatting for a little while, I went home.

"Jack," says my wife, "what took you so long? You should have been home an hour ago!"

"Sorry," I said. "I stopped by the bar, just for the halibut."

Just had this transaction with my wife over iMessage/Text.

http://i.imgur.com/0giAtw1.png

So im headed to the back talking to my manager telling him about a transaction im doing with a customer Me: Hey boss, so this lady is looking for a 4 year old camp jacket for boys and a 6-12 month onesie for boys Manager: Well sorry man, all our stuff here is new, we have nothing from 4 years ago.

Got an email from Venmo today summarizing my spending for 2014 by saying "If we converted all the money you transacted on Venmo in 2014 to pennies, it would weigh 7,267 pounds. That's more than the weight of 27 baby elephants!"

Thinking that was pretty neat I tell my friend "wow dude my Venmo transactions amounted to 7,267 pounds in 2014"

"What was it weighed in? Pennies?"

"Yeah... Its the only thing that makes cents"

Probably took him five seconds or so to get it but the eye roll followed shortly after

I work at subway, and today I was making a woman a sandwich. When I went to ring her out I asked if she needed any chips, cookies, or drinks. She said, "I'll have a small drink and a chip". I quickly replied, " One chip doesn't seem like enough, I would recommend you get a whole bag!". She chuckled awkwardly as we finished the transaction.

Three strings walk into a bar. The first string goes up to the bartender and says,

"Hello, I'd like a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my buddies, please."

The bartender replies,

"Sorry pal, but we don't serve strings here."

Dejected, the first string returns to his friends and relays the transaction. The second string can't believe this, and walks swiftly up to the bartender and says,

"Hey, buddy. I need a pitcher of beer and three frosty glasses for me and my friends!"

The bartender sternly states,

"We don't serve strings here!" The second string returns to his friends, defeated. The third string looks at his pals and says,

"Guys, I got this."

He goes into the bathroom, unravels himself a little and tangles himself up a bit. He walks confidently up to the bartender and says with gusto,

"Bartender! You are going to give me and my friends a pitcher of your finest beer, and three frosty glasses, on the double!"

The bartender sighs and says,

"Like I told your buddies, WE DON'T SERVE STRINGS HERE."

The third string leans across the bar, chuckles, and says,

"String? I'm a frayed knot."

A micro-transaction