I'm having frequent pains lately.

It really Hertz

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Kellogs_cereal2
πŸ“…︎ Jan 20 2021
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Frequent diarrhea can actually be a hereditary issue

It runs in your jeans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Tb0neguy
πŸ“…︎ Apr 26 2020
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Frequent nap taking slows the aging process.

Especially if you take them when you are driving.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/millre01
πŸ“…︎ May 27 2019
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There's a local restaurant my family frequents called "Deja Vu".

"Have we been here before? I'm sure we've been here before." - Every male member of my family (including my Alzheimer's stricken grandfather).

Every time.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Andysmith94
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2015
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Do former vegetarians have frequent deja vu?

They always say they’ve been herbivore.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Disneypenguin
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
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What do you call someone who frequents this sub?

A pun'dit.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Naz0
πŸ“…︎ May 17 2016
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The king of dad jokes frequents my work place.

"So a man and a woman decide to get married and merge their bank accounts. One day she was trying to log on to the account but didn't know the the password her husband had set up. She turns to her husband and asks him if he remembers. He responds with yeah, it's CinderellaPeterPanSnowWhiteSpongebobSacramento the wife stares at her husband shocked and asks "what kind of a password is that?" he responds with "Well, they required four characters and a capital."

Badum tsshhhhh

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Alexandra_762
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2014
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In my my neighbor's home, their huge dog frequently sleeps at the landing at the top of their tall staircase causing a possible tripping hazard. Good advice to them....

Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/bardbelle
πŸ“…︎ Sep 22 2020
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One of my favourite words in the English language is β€œfrequently”.

I try to use it as often as possible.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ May 23 2020
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What do you call a serial killer who frequently uses puns?

Ted Pundy

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WD40911
πŸ“…︎ Feb 29 2020
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I used to frequently go on walks...

...but too many customers complained of their stir-fry tasting like urine.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/meyerss1985
πŸ“…︎ Apr 28 2020
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As a dyslexic person who frequently fails to board the proper means of public transportation...

Whoops, wrong bus!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Nov 04 2019
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My wife frequently gets a stuffy nose

She always says "I can't breathe" to which I always respond "I know, you take my breath away too"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Wtayjay
πŸ“…︎ Oct 27 2014
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While at work, I frequently go to the public restroom in my building to avoid doing my job...

you could say it's a stalling tactic.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vladipus222
πŸ“…︎ May 03 2019
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I am about to become a dad for the second time...

Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dugsalvador
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2020
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Why are wheels the most frequently changed part in a car?

Because they get TIRED quickly.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Leonads23
πŸ“…︎ Dec 27 2016
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A grill owned by a bee from a local bar was surrounded by a swarm of other bees who also frequented the bar The grill later released a single about that moment

It's called 'I'm a Bar Bee Grill in a Bar Bee Whirl'

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rannak
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2018
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My wife wants to eat pizza so frequently that it sometimes annoys me.

When we began discussing what to dine on this evening, she says to me, "How about we have something for dinner that starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'a' and isn't pasta?"

I roll my eyes and groan animatedly.

"There is no way a single pea is going to feed all three of us!"

^^She ^^laughed ^^harder ^^at ^^that ^^than ^^any ^^of ^^my ^^previous ^^corny ^^jibes, ^^so ^^I ^^thought ^^I'd ^^share...

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Chambadon
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2014
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I confessed to my family that I frequently drink until I black out only to find that I have prepared a gourmet spaghetti dinner.

I guess you could say, I drink to spaghett.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/shaneaaronj
πŸ“…︎ Jun 20 2018
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I am frequently tempted to toss both my dictionary and my thesaurus into my food processor...

...but let's not mince words.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SapperInTexas
πŸ“…︎ Sep 17 2013
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We got a 3 yo dad in our house

My 3 year old brother came up to me (and everyone else in the house several times each) to tell a joke he made up (translated from Turkish but works in English anyway).

3yo: Do you need to go to the bathroom (a question we ask him frequently)?

Me: No

3yo: Are you sure?

Me: Yes?

3yo: Oh, hi Sure!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/akc1999
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2020
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I got a new job at the needle factory and I'm frequently late getting home

I get stuck at work a lot.

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πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2017
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So, Gandhi, right?

On average, this guy walked 11+ miles per day for 40 years. WITHOUT SHOES.

Dude fasted frequently, too, so he didn't get a lot of the nutrients that most people get on a daily basis and presumably had bad breath.

That being said, Gandhi was...

A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED WITH HALITOSIS.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Hey_HoofHearted
πŸ“…︎ Aug 02 2020
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PPF is the one that comes after PPE, alphabetically!

The kids I was babysitting for were learning their alphabet. They had a hard time remembering what came after E, and they hear PPE frequently nowadays. They even told me it was a stupid joke.

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πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2020
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What do you call someone who posts lies frequently for free up-votes?

A Karma Chameleon!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Yolkley
πŸ“…︎ May 13 2017
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I frequently dad joke my lab, I hid this one in a procedure room for my next unfortunate victim. (X-post from r/labrats)

Sorry, this one only works as a picture: http://imgur.com/a/JwNOc

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πŸ‘€︎ u/neuropean
πŸ“…︎ Apr 17 2015
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I really like the word frequently

I try to use it as often as I can

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πŸ‘€︎ u/NNNTE
πŸ“…︎ Jun 05 2014
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On a road trips I frequently asked what state we were in

Dad always said, "confusion"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/evilgarbagetruck
πŸ“…︎ Dec 19 2013
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A man with a gold claim in Alaska was cursed.

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Y2KoNo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2020
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Suggestion (also added a joke at the end):

I love this subreddit but some jokes just come around 5+ times a day, would it be possible to remove -frequent- reposts?

As for the joke:

My wife got mad at me because apparently I have no sense of direction. I immediately packed my stuff and right!

(I hope not everyone knows my joke yet, haven’t seen it on here.)

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πŸ“…︎ Jun 29 2019
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A story about a legendary Composer

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, β€œI recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, β€œand that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

β€œNever fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

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πŸ‘€︎ u/SnixyZ
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2020
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A older man was slowly becoming sicker and sicker as time went on....

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

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πŸ‘€︎ u/ItsArgon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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A donut walks into a church, approaches the priest and explains "Excuse me, Father, I don't mean to trouble you, but I'm very interested in joining the clergy."

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2019
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Gandhi is well known for his spiritual guidance, ascribe mystical powers to him...

We know he frequently fasted which made him somewhat frail and caused bad breath. We also know that he often went without shoes, making the souls of his feet very tough.

This made him a... Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(I’ll see myself out)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/aisored224
πŸ“…︎ Oct 22 2019
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Dad joked my husband

On the night walk with our 2 pups. One is obsessed with toads and every item on the road is suspiciously inspected. Frequently a leaf is sniffed and nosed to encourage a leap. Tonight, a piece of gravel caught her eye with exuberant tailnub wagging! β€œOh pupper that isn’t sedentary; it’s sedimentary.”

Hope you like it too.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Aimlesskeek
πŸ“…︎ Sep 07 2019
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Concerned about boyfriend's dad-joke abilities. Is he a secret dad?

Boyfriend and I went to Portillo's (Italian Beef sandwich place in Chicago) and ordered sammies.

While we were eating, I started a story with the phrase, "so, I kind of have a beef with..."

He pauses, looks down at my now-empty sandwich wrapper and responds with,

"well, you had a beef..."

Also, I've stopped asking him to call my phone when I misplace it because I'm tired of the "what do you want me to call it?" response.

Boy and I have been together for...8 months or so, dad-jokes only got super frequent recently - men of /r/dadjokes - is this a condition that occurs after several months of dating? Please help.

:)

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πŸ‘€︎ u/push_harder
πŸ“…︎ Nov 05 2014
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Watching the news with my parents when this happened:

Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....

Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks)

Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated!

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πŸ‘€︎ u/WhatDoor
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2017
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For habitual smokers

My Uncle Ray was a 2 pack a day smoker and frequently let the ash burn all the down before tipping it off. As a result he was frequently spilling ash on his clothes. Whenever this would happen, he would look at us, grin and say

"Guess I really made an ash of myself, huh?"

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πŸ‘€︎ u/subter-fugue
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
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The real Bowling Green disaster

...is Trump's frequent golfing trips.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/myth-ran-dire
πŸ“…︎ Apr 07 2017
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Why is the space bar sad all the time?

He is frequently depressed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/TomBerringer
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2018
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Did you hear about the credit card for fast food cooks?

It gives them frequent frier miles!

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πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
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There were these two trees that lived in the middle of a meadow, all by themselves, one, a birch, the other, a beech...

Having nothing much else to do to pass the time, they engaged in frequent conversation with each other about whatever tickled their fancy.

Well, one year, a sapling took root between the two trees and having not much else to talk about, they argued about the sapling for years.

"It's a son of a beech," the beech would say.

"No, it's a son of a birch," the birch would say.

And back and forth they would go.

Well one year, when the sapling was starting to get big and tall, a woodpecker happened to fly along and land on the beech.

The beech, seeing an opportunity to settle this argument once and for all, said, "Hey, woodpecker. I need a favor. I want you to fly over to that young tree there, and tell me whether that tree is a son of a beech or the son of a birch."

Well, the woodpecker not having much else to do said, "Sure thing!" and flew over to the young tree and gave it six good taps.

-tap tap tap-

-tap tap tap-

And flew back.

"Well?" the birch said.

"Well?" the beech said.

"Is it a son of a beech, or the son of a birch?"

The woodpecker said, "Neither."

"Neither!?"

"That, my friends," the woodpecker said, "is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."

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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 03 2017
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My pops and I watched the super bowl commercials together…

We skip most of the football due to the annoying announcers, confusing rules and frequent replay delays, but I was able to come up with an answer when he asked what happens when both teams fail to score in OT. It’s a tie, Dad.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/carltodw
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2018
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Are you alright?

No, I'm half left.


My fiance told me last night, while discussing terrible but great jokes, that her dad would let that one rip all too frequently when she was younger. Much eye rolling. I think it's hilarious and will pass on the tradition when we spawn smaller humans.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/IsaacJDean
πŸ“…︎ Oct 26 2017
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Volunteered at a bike shop today

This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance.

Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims.

"Fuck, this tire is not coming off!"

"Yeah, it's being really tiresome."

He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/Emperor_of_Cats
πŸ“…︎ Jun 11 2015
🚨︎ report

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