But it was just a cat-ass-trophy
He immediately said, “Well, I wouldn’t eat them.”
My plan for lunch went a-rye.
"Who's not here, please raise your hand."
A groan-up.
So this just happened.
My dad walked into my room, said "So you think you can take on your old man," doing an exaggerated impression of a bad lip sync, threw a toy throwing star at me, and left. I have no further explanation.
Person 1: I’d like it brighter Person 2: I’d like it dim sum
I asked my dad what he and my mom did for Valentines day and he said they had multiple dates. I asked him how they went and he the dates were very healthy and I should eat dates too..He was talking about eating the dry fruit!
Dad: Have you ever heard of the band 1020 MB?
Me: Nope?
Dad: That's because they haven't got a gig yet
He passed away last year and now i tell dead jokes about him
My dad: So there's this family of moles, who live underground of course. The mother mole comes out of their hole and says, "Oh, it smells like syrup out here." Then the father mole comes out behind her and says, "I think it smells like honey." Then their son comes out behind both of them, but he couldn't fit out of the hole, and he says, "Well to me it smells like molasses!"
http://imgur.com/Yo7mGGt
My brother - "I was cooking with rosemary today" Dad - "Who's she?"
Birthdays were always fun in our household. One of the things that I would always remember were what my dad used to do with the card envelopes. He would stuff them with confetti so that when you opened them, it would just go everywhere. He just passed recently and only after we discovered that birthday envelopes weren't the only envelopes he would do this with. Anytime he had to pay bills, he would stuff the envelope with the same sort of confetti. It just made laugh imagining the guy at the electric company opening it.
http://i.imgur.com/ym8ygJA.jpg
"I want to get a dog and name it 'Peeve,' that way I can have a pet Peeve."
typical dad:
"The wind was picking up this morning. Usually it just scatters things around."
After my friend had a death in the family I went to my dad and told him that I loved him. He said "aw don't worry about me bud" then made fake choking sounds and proceeded to lay down on the floor silently..
Okay dad
We both work at a university caught in the midst of this cold front. I'm in admissions and he's the supervisor in the on campus power/heat plant.
"Dad, can you turn up the heat a little bit? The rest of campus is freezing."
"The dilithium crytals are overheating. She can't take anymore, captain."
Go to check out a register
Cashier: "will that be all for you today?"
My dad: "that's all I can afford!"
