Because they offer koalaity service.
Credit where credit is do... my wife just said that out of nowhere.
I love her so much
he finally decided to take his career seriously and stopped monkeying around.
Everyone else thought his opinions were irrelephant.
I'm a bran ambassador.
English should be a hawk, they have good eyes, and you need good eyes for reading. History should be bowhead whales since they’ve lived through more than anyone else. And finally, maths should be snakes, I hear they’re great Adders.
Those that understand binary and those who dont.
Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you have obsessive compulsive disorder, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are codependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personality syndrome, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
If you suffer from paranoid schizophrenia, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mothership.
If you are hearing voices, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which button you press. No one will answer anyway.
If you are dyslexic, press 96969696969696.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound button until a representative comes on the line.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's and grandmother's maiden names.... keep reading on reddit ➡
It would be called El Avocado Abogado.
Me: I want a world without lawyers
Genie: Done, your three wishes are over
Me: I still have two left!
Genie: Sue me
I am a representative from the r/PunPatrol and we have been seeing some of our officers have been arrested individuals on this server where in a peace treaty we have allowed Puns in this subreddit. We apologise for these rogue officers and have reported them to r/PunInternalAffairs . Thanks for understanding.
Last night my wife and I were getting some of our things together in preparation for a vacation this weekend.
Wife: there's just too much to pack
Me: Yeah, it's not a Biggie
Wife:... shakes head sadly
The Wizard of Lb
Doctor: It's exactly what it sounds like.
The wife and I were discussing how well our son was doing with learning his vowels.
Me: I've heard him say A, E, and I, now he just needs to get O and U.
Wife: He's also saying Y, have you heard him say that yet?
Once there was this farmer and he had this dream of having a duck. Then one day he saw this duck and started to chase it. He chased it all throughout the farmland. He chased it through a forest. He chased it past a river. All his life, he spent chasing this duck but he never caught it. He died all alone, old and hungry and without the duck. See, the duck represents your dreams, and the other opportunities, they represent other opportunities. So the moral of the story? Don't go chasing water fowls.
We had been cooking dinner, and my wife commented (after one too many comments about 'Gouda being gooda and Feta being Betta') that it seemed like most of my puns tend to be food puns.
So I drew her a diagram. I started with a huge circle to represent all of my puns. Inside that I drew a large circle filling about 90% of it.
"Those are my food puns."
I then drew another circle, this one about half the size of the food circle, with almost all of it inside the food circle.
"And these are my cheese puns."
My wife immediately called me out, pointing at the sliver that was outside of the food circle.
"Shouldn't this be fully inside the other circle?"
"No," I say, "Those puns are rare, but they tend to be cheesiest."
Starting on the 1st of December and running until the 10th, /r/dadjokes will be self-post only. This 10 day trial is being conducted to measure the overall effect on post quality. We hope to see a reduction in posts that exist purely for karma-gaming, and an increase in posts that represent our favourite dad jokes and stories.
This is not a ban on images. You may still link to pictures within your self-post - but you will no longer receive karma for doing so. Also as a suggestion try and be witty about it, don't just post pictures as the only content in the post. If there is a story behind it (involving your dad or anyones dad) then give that more of a preference and use the picture as a supporting arm for the joke, remember to be nice and the punnier the better.
As always, we're open to hearing your thoughts on the matter - and this thread will be stickied for the 10 days so that you can pop in and let us know how you feel the trial is going.
Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.
Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.
Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in t... keep reading on reddit ➡
Foodlandia is a country where every city is named after a food and every city has a guild to represent it in competitions and such.
It was the finals of the national city vs. city trivia quiz and the two remaining contestants were guilds from Curry City and Pasta City.
The final question was "Which is the most popular pet in Foodlandia?". Each city's guild put their answer in a sealed envelope and they were stored for the next days big reveal.
On the next morning the officials went to retrieve the envelopes and they found a horrific sight, a dead spy from Pasta City and in his hand an opened envelope with a paper inside that read "Curry City Guild: The Cat".
So storytime... My wife and I were talking about my overuse of puns, and food/cheese puns in particularly (that's goud-a but this one's feta, etc.) I ended up drawing a Venn diagram.
The largest circle was my total puns, inside it was a second circle representing food puns, with a third showing cheese puns. I was trying to show that a majority of all of my puns are food related, and many of those are cheese related.
Something like this: http://i.imgur.com/nPdi07H.jpg
My wife immediately told me I did it wrong, that some of the cheese circle was outside of the food puns.
I told her that those are rare, but are often the cheesiest.
My dad just placed a brown paper bag on his head and asked the room, "What city am I representing?" After several moments of confused looks, he responded with, "Baghdad!" I've never been more proud of him.
Its an essay over the movie Cast Away and its about how the eggtimer, from the beggining of the movie, represents mechanical time(clocks) and how the waves on the island represent biological time(the human life cycle). Give me the best you've got!
Edit: I have untill tuesday (10/13/13)
"an answering machine just told my dad "you want to speak to a representative, correct? please say yes or no." and with a totally straight face he goes 'yes or no' "
I'm currently developing a game for my studies based on the old windows Game Pipe Dream (or Pipe Mania). It is two player and competitive where each player works for one of two rival companies. The game has a steampunk theme and each company is represented by a different colour. Green is Greenpunk Industries. I need your help, pun masters of reddit, in coming up with a pun for the Blue company.
We were watching a film in which nuns wore that full on nun outfit, I argued that almost no nuns wear all of that and is over represented in the movies.
He said to me "I think they probably still wear it all, it's hard to give up an old habit".
Whenever someone would say something bad (but true)about Dad, and he would respond with an insulted tone "Hey! I represent that!"
Student: "What's my grade?"
Me: "It's a number that represents how well you've performed in my class."
We're getting married in less than 2 weeks and I was cutting out paper hearts for our flower girl to throw. The hearts are made out of music paper and newspaper (representing the careers we're in).
Once we had finished cutting, the fiance picks up a newspaper we had cut some hearts out of and examines it closely.
He turns to me and very seriously says, "You know, this story has a lot of holes in it."
Cue groan and begrudging chuckle. I think I picked a keeper.
I was siting in the lobby waiting for a representative, periodically checking my phone and texting people back, when the grandfatherly man sitting next to me leans over and says
"I cant type on those things, I'm all thumbs"
Gave me a chuckle
In my class there was an assignment where you had to bring an item to represent yourself.
A student did a speech on how a cake represented her.
After the speech, i said, " well that speech really took the cake"
The teacher was the only one to laugh.
He sent me this pic: http://imgur.com/MuXVhX0
For those that don't get it, it's Avogadro's constant, whose value is: 6.022141×10^23. This number represents the number of atoms in one gram of Carbon-12.
My professor had taught us about these doohickeys called multiplexers, which we sometimes also call "data selectors," in a previous lecture.
At the next lecture we had a review: he would draw a symbol and we would shout out what it represented, and he was hamming it up, acting like a game show host.
He drew a multiplexer on the board and asked the class, "what's this?" "A multiplexer!" some students called out. "Right! Now," says the prof, "what is another word for 'multiplexer'?" "A data selector!" someone answers correctly. But he looks like the student just blew the million-dollar question. "Hmm... 'a data selector'... no, I'm afraid not—that's three words!"
His two young kids have probably learned not to ask him about what he teaches.
An attractive woman arrives at a party. While scanning the guests she spots an interesting looking man standing alone. She approaches him and says "Hello, my name is Carmen."
"That's a beautiful name" he says, "is it a family name?" "No", she replies. "As a matter of fact I gave it to myself. It represents the things I enjoy most...cars and men. Therefore I chose Carmen." "What's your name?" she asks.
The man replies "B.J.......B.J. Titsngolf."
Talking with my niece about her senior project at a technical high school. She is in the culinary program and must make a dish representing her heritage. Since she is 50 % Native American, she went with Venison Chili.
My husband and I are hunters and we were able to provide her with some venison this year.
She mentioned another girl in the class was also doing venison but she ordered hers online and it was mailed to her.
I told her that hers was going to be better because hers was fresh.
Her younger brother looked at me with the most serious look on his face and asked, "If it's fresh, should we put it in the corner?"
Man, is he exactly like his father (my brother) and grandfather.
So I saw this in a reddit comment section. The post was an image of a map that had red marks on it. the red marks represented certain events. ( I am also colourblind and i'll have to agree with Guy1 )
Guy1: as a colourblind person i can't see shit
Guy2: check the toilet, they are pretty much all the same.
So this was a really lame joke but it still craked me up.
Picture of the comment: http://imgur.com/FYPPeEl
So my dad told me this joke several years ago. I later found it on the internet. So I'm just pasting it here as it is written online:
A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said ‘I want to be a movie star.’ Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, ‘What’s your name?’
The guy said, ‘My name is Penis van Lesbian.’
The agent said, ‘Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood you are going to have to change your name.’
‘I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!’
The agent said, ‘Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years… you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! I’m telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be able to represent you.’
‘So be it! I guess we will not do business together’ the guy said and he left the agent’s offi... keep reading on reddit ➡
This was from high school before I became a dad, but I think it still qualifies.
My history teacher was lecturing on the Paris Conference following World War I. Specifically, he was discussing each of the world leaders in attendance and each of their aims for the treaty that would result from the conference.
He was going down the line of leaders and asking the class what each leader wanted in the treaty. For example, "Britain was represented by Prime Minister David Lloyd George. What did Mr. George want in the treaty?"
He got through Britain, France, and Italy, then he came to the United States, represented by President Woodrow Wilson.
He asked, "What did Mr. Wilson want?" I responded, "Dennis out of his life once and for all?"
He and I were the only people who laughed.