Frequently Puns

Persons in their household should watch their steps, particularly early risers.

I try to use it as often as possible.

Ted Pundy

...but too many customers complained of their stir-fry tasting like urine.

Whoops, wrong bus!

you could say it's a stalling tactic.

She always says "I can't breathe" to which I always respond "I know, you take my breath away too"

Because they get TIRED quickly.

When we began discussing what to dine on this evening, she says to me, "How about we have something for dinner that starts with a 'p' and ends with an 'a' and isn't pasta?"

I roll my eyes and groan animatedly.

"There is no way a single pea is going to feed all three of us!"

^^She ^^laughed ^^harder ^^at ^^that ^^than ^^any ^^of ^^my ^^previous ^^corny ^^jibes, ^^so ^^I ^^thought ^^I'd ^^share...

I guess you could say, I drink to spaghett.

...but let's not mince words.

I get stuck at work a lot.

A Karma Chameleon!

Sorry, this one only works as a picture: http://imgur.com/a/JwNOc

I try to use it as often as I can

Dad always said, "confusion"

It runs in your jeans.

Especially if you take them when you are driving.

Should my jokes become worse or more frequent?

"Have we been here before? I'm sure we've been here before." - Every male member of my family (including my Alzheimer's stricken grandfather).

Every time.

My 3 year old brother came up to me (and everyone else in the house several times each) to tell a joke he made up (translated from Turkish but works in English anyway).

3yo: Do you need to go to the bathroom (a question we ask him frequently)?

Me: No

3yo: Are you sure?

Me: Yes?

3yo: Oh, hi Sure!

On average, this guy walked 11+ miles per day for 40 years. WITHOUT SHOES.

Dude fasted frequently, too, so he didn't get a lot of the nutrients that most people get on a daily basis and presumably had bad breath.

That being said, Gandhi was...

A SUPER CALLOUSED FRAGILE MYSTIC HEXED WITH HALITOSIS.

It's called 'I'm a Bar Bee Grill in a Bar Bee Whirl'

They always say they’ve been herbivore.

A pun'dit.

"So a man and a woman decide to get married and merge their bank accounts. One day she was trying to log on to the account but didn't know the the password her husband had set up. She turns to her husband and asks him if he remembers. He responds with yeah, it's CinderellaPeterPanSnowWhiteSpongebobSacramento the wife stares at her husband shocked and asks "what kind of a password is that?" he responds with "Well, they required four characters and a capital."

Badum tsshhhhh

At first the curse just brought him bad luck, causing vital equipment to break and provoking frequent but small injuries to him and his crew. Soon, however, the curse darkened and diggers the man had hired to help work his claim began to die in bizarre ways.

One was killed by an African scorpion that should never have made it to Alaska, let alone have survived the cold. A second drank a gallon of the mercury used to separate the gold from the ore. A third was found with a tree growing up through his body.

The man himself who owned the claim became more and more pale. His eyes became all white. His skin began to give off an overpowering smell of sulfur. He slept all day and at night he wandered the mountain above his claim, coming back each day looking more like a beast than a man.

The curse became so bad the last worker alive ran away to the nearest town to tell the authorities what was happening at the claim.

In an attempt to save the claim owner's life and lift the curse, a priest was brought in by dogsled to perform an exorcism on the man.

A sherriff from the town came with the priest as a bodyguard.

The exorcism was long, but apparently successful. Immediately the man's color returned, the sulfur smell disappeared, and he was able to sleep through the night for the first time in six months.

After the man awoke, the sherriff immediately arrested the man and brought him back to town with the priest. Standing in front of the judge, the sherriff was asked what charge the law had against the claim owner whose life had just been so dramatically turned around.

The sherriff looked at the man, then looked back at the judge and said in a slow and rumbling voice, "Possession as a miner."

In 1827, after Beethoven died, he was buried outside the local church, in the graveyard, and people came to pay their respects frequently.

One morning, about a week after the funeral, two girls came to leave some flowers on his grave, only to hear strange, unearthly sounds coming from it. Creeped out, they called for the local Paranormal Investigator.

The Investigator arrived an hour later, and with him, a small crowd, who had come to see what was happening to the composer’s grave.

Suddenly, one member of the crowd exclaimed, “I recognise that sound! It’s his 9th Symphony, backwards!”

Soon after, another said, “and that’s his 8th, backwards!”

After leaning closer to the grave to inspect this for himself, the Investigator straightened himself up, gave a soft chuckle, and said:

“Never fear, ladies and gentlemen! Beethoven’s just decomposing.”

I love this subreddit but some jokes just come around 5+ times a day, would it be possible to remove -frequent- reposts?

As for the joke:

My wife got mad at me because apparently I have no sense of direction. I immediately packed my stuff and right!

(I hope not everyone knows my joke yet, haven’t seen it on here.)

"I was hoping that you could give me some pointers."

The priest, after taking a moment to accept the fact that he's speaking with a pastry, offers a warm smile in response.

"That is truly a noble calling." he says. "Most frequently, individuals who wish to become priests begin by growing active in their parish, then entering a seminary. While in attendance there, would-be clergy members work to excel in every regard, reaffirming their beliefs and devoting themselves to the path of righteousness. When the time comes, a given initiate will be ordained as a deacon, which will allow them passage to priesthood."

"That sounds like a very involved process." the donut confesses. "I'm not sure I have the time."

"If you don't mind me asking…" replies the priest. "What made you think you wanted to join the clergy if you're not willing to make a commitment to the process? Why do you want to be a priest at all?"

"Well…" the donut answers. "See, it's because I'm holey."

We know he frequently fasted which made him somewhat frail and caused bad breath. We also know that he often went without shoes, making the souls of his feet very tough.

This made him a... Super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

(I’ll see myself out)

On the night walk with our 2 pups. One is obsessed with toads and every item on the road is suspiciously inspected. Frequently a leaf is sniffed and nosed to encourage a leap. Tonight, a piece of gravel caught her eye with exuberant tailnub wagging! “Oh pupper that isn’t sedentary; it’s sedimentary.”

Hope you like it too.

The man never took it seriously at first, he figured he was just getting older and blamed it on age.

After a few weeks, the man has developed an incredible frequent and annoying cough.
His wife is annoyed and is constantly telling him to go the doctor, but the man kept refusing.

One day during an argument, his wife has had it with his coughing and hacking and tells him "Im making a bet, if this damn coughin kills you i'm writing ' I told you so' on your tombstone!"
The man laughs her off since they both have a twisted sense of humor, and tells her its a deal, if the coughin kills him she can carve that.
The man continues on for another week

One day the man is out going for a walk through his neighborhood, when a freak accident occurs between a truck carrying coffins and a car, which results in a coffin flying off the truck, tragically landing on the old man and kills him.

Later at his funeral, his wife makes a very odd request to have them carve "I told you so" on his headstone.

When the caretaker asks her why she wants to do this, she tells him about their dark humor, and fills him in on the bet they recently made.
The caretaker is touched by the story, and agrees to do it for her, because in the end,

It was that damn coffin that killed him

He is frequently depressed.

Boyfriend and I went to Portillo's (Italian Beef sandwich place in Chicago) and ordered sammies.

While we were eating, I started a story with the phrase, "so, I kind of have a beef with..."

He pauses, looks down at my now-empty sandwich wrapper and responds with,

"well, you had a beef..."

Also, I've stopped asking him to call my phone when I misplace it because I'm tired of the "what do you want me to call it?" response.

Boy and I have been together for...8 months or so, dad-jokes only got super frequent recently - men of /r/dadjokes - is this a condition that occurs after several months of dating? Please help.

:)

Newscaster: ...and in health news, a study showed that frequent orgasms help support immunity....

Mom: Honey, that must be why you’re never sick (winks)

Dad: Yeah, that’s because I’m self-medicated!

Sorry about being a little out of touch the past couple of months. My business partner bailed on me in January and I'm in the process of forming a new corporation with a couple of investors, hiring a new bookkeeper (my expartner's wife used to do that), arranging a storage facility, moving offices and re-organizing staff. It has been hectic.

Part of my business model is consulting. I recently had an experience that proves the value of consulting & demonstrates how consultants can make a difference in an organization. I was very impressed. I think this is a segment that I can develop with financial help.

Last week, I went out with some friends to a new restaurant (Steve's Bistro & Provisional Ales). I noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I noticed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked about the spoon.

He told me that restaurant's owner had hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. Everyone started to carry a spoon & since the staff is better prepared now they reduced the number of trips back to the kitchen and are saving 15 man-hours per shift.

A few minutes later I dropped my spoon and & my waiter replaced it with his spare. (I think that he thought I was texting him). He said that he would get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right then. Pretty smart efficiency. These are the types of little changes I plan to make as we move forward.

As we finished dessert I noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly. Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. Before my waiter walked off, I asked the him, about the string. He lowered his voice & told me that not everyone is that observant. The consulting firm he had told me about also learned that the restaurant can save time on bathroom breaks. By tying the string to the tip of the penis, the male staff can pull the penis out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash their hands. This small change shortens the ti

No, I'm half left.

My fiance told me last night, while discussing terrible but great jokes, that her dad would let that one rip all too frequently when she was younger. Much eye rolling. I think it's hilarious and will pass on the tradition when we spawn smaller humans.

...is Trump's frequent golfing trips.

It gives them frequent frier miles!

This bike shop takes in old bicycles, repairs them, and sells them for an incredibly low price. I volunteer there pretty frequently mostly because I want to learn about bike maintenance.

Another volunteer and I were working on evaluating a bike to see if it was alright to sell. We were both trying to get the tires off the rims.

"Fuck, this tire is not coming off!"

"Yeah, it's being really tiresome."

He looked at me, shook his head, gave a slight groan, and started to laugh.