Barack Obama went to a costume party giving his wife a piggyback. Someone asks what he is and says "I'm a snail!"
"That's M'Shell on my back!"
Pirate Ship Captain: I am desperate. Can someone tell me how to write the number 2 in Roman numerals?
I just read that someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds.
Someone told me Trumps last order as president is to outlaw shredded cheese.
Hmm guess he wants to make America grate again 🤔
What do you call someone who points out the obvious?
Someone who points out the obvious.
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...
“I play a little guitar!"
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint. The homeowner said, “why didn’t you charge for the paint?” I said, “don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
Someone just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me!
Thought I heard someone say “Hello” in Arabic
But it was a false Salaam.
Someone threw a bottle of omega 3 pills at me
Luckily my injuries were only super fish oil
Can’t believe someone rubbed one off, in elevator
Someone just robbed the local wig store
The police are combing the area
Does anyone know if it's possible to have a skin graft taken from a buttock to donate to someone who isn't a relative?
My wife told me, “ Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”
“You’re much bigger than that.”
My wife asked, “If someone’s body just isn’t fighting the virus, would getting the vaccine help?”
I told her I think it’s worth a shot
I can't believe someone stole my limbo stick.
Like seriously, how low can you go ?
Someone once told me than 2 in 10 people don't understand fractions
But someone else said it was 1 in 5. So which is it?
What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?
I just want to know the cutoff date.
I can always tell, just by looking, when someone is lying.
I can also tell when they're standing.
The hardest part for someone when coming out
Saying it with a straight face
Never criticize someone until you’ve walked a mile in their shoes.
That way you are a mile away and you have their shoes.
Made a duet with someone who had bugs in their computer
Someone has stolen every toilet at city hall!
The police have nothing to go on.
How does someone become a conductor?
A man was walking down the beach when he saw someone lying on the sand with a banana shoved in the ear.
Intrigued, the man decided to warn the person and said "hey, you have a banana shoved in your ear".
The person replied "what?"
> "You have a banana shoved in your ear!"
> "WHAT??"
> "YOU HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN YOUR EAR!!"
> "SIR PLEASE SPEAK LOUDER I CAN'T HEAR YOU 'CAUSE I HAVE A BANANA SHOVED IN MY EAR!.
How can I get someone to hang out with me, laugh at each other’s jokes, and maybe share some fun platonic experiences together throughout our lives?
Why did the baker throw away the bread someone gave him?
Because he didn't knead it!
When someone quotes someone else's typo
so someone threw a bottle of mayo at me, ...
Bilbo Baggins suddenly wakes up and hears someone singing “Don’t stop Believing”.
It was an unexpected Journey.
Did you hear that someone kidnapped Sting?
Currently the police have no lead.
Someone offered me some coffee
I said, No thanks, that's not my cup of tea.
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
Today, in a cultural fair, I found someone was giving away free balloons to children
How do you know someone is a racist?
"They go VROOM VROOM VROOM"
What do you call it when someone bellow the age of 18 has a problem
Can someone near Houston send pics of where they walked in the snow?
I want to see the fresh prints of Bellaire.
My wife ran over someone , and was sentenced to 10 years imprisonment.
She got out after 5 years and I had to serve the remaining 5.
We always finish each others sentences.
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
If you ever need someone who's terrible at hiding
I was playing among us and someone accused me that i was impostor
I just need to vent about it for a bit
Today someone bought our department a box of donuts and some lotto tickets. The potential grand prize was $3,000, in which my boss exclaimed "Well that isn't enough to retire".
I corrected him by saying that is plenty of money to buy some new tires for your car.
The physical pain on his face was priceless.
Someone asked me to name 2 structures that hold water.
Fred: “Someone said that you look like an owl?” Meg: “Who?”
Fred: “You sound like one, too.”
Me: Someone told me that there’s a fruit that’s an excellent source of potassium.
Her: That’s bananas.
Me: Yeah, I was shocked too.
I can always tell when someone is lying just by looking at them.
I can tell when they're standing too.
Someone threw a jar of mayo at me!
What do you call someone with no body and no nose?
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