Are you someone who has to be around people all the time?

You’re not alone.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/zedhead0628
πŸ“…︎ Jan 23 2021
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I made a joke saying this Thanksgiving would be extra special because we'll be spreading around diseases like the original Thanksgiving. Someone told me "too soon".

They were right. I should have waited until next week.

πŸ‘︎ 72
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sarcasticpremed
πŸ“…︎ Nov 17 2020
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Someone's gonna be spoiled...
πŸ‘︎ 113
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πŸ‘€︎ u/fishingnet7479
πŸ“…︎ Jul 04 2020
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Someone own a pencil that used to be owned by William Shakespeare, but he chewed it a lot.

Now he can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ“…︎ Sep 03 2020
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What do you call someone with large nipples who used to be a reporter?

Pie nipple ex-press

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Childhoodcocaine
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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If you’re ever trying to do something unexpected, don’t steal someone’s abacus. They’ll be counting on that.
πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OverSpeedClutch
πŸ“…︎ Jul 09 2020
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What do you call someone who is prepared to be a father?

Readily A(p)parent

Edit: for clarity.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/joshandthewolf
πŸ“…︎ Aug 24 2020
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Being a wheelchair user must be wheelie hard to move on especially when someone walks out on you
πŸ‘︎ 62
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πŸ‘€︎ u/imperfectshane
πŸ“…︎ May 07 2020
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Do you know why someone with ADHD could never be a train conductor?

They always lose their train of thought

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/milk-is-bad
πŸ“…︎ Aug 06 2020
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I walked into the kitchen to help my wife prepare dinner and exclaimed, "That’s a nice ham you’ve got there honey! It’d really be a shame if someone..."

"...put an β€˜s’ at the front and an β€˜e’ at the end!"

πŸ‘︎ 12
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Jul 07 2020
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If someone adopted a feral cat and named it Will, it would be Will Feral
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/spicyundertones
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
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Someone told me to be chill out

But the heating was on

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/olordhelp
πŸ“…︎ Apr 13 2020
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All year, I've been telling my friends I just want to meet someone, fall in love be married by my next birthday...

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

πŸ‘︎ 58
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OK_Compooper
πŸ“…︎ Aug 28 2019
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If someone killed everyone with the name Jen, that would be ...

Not very nice.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/stooftheoof
πŸ“…︎ Jan 09 2020
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Fortune teller: Someone near you is going to be dissapointed soon.

Dad: That'd be you; I've come out without my wallet.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ChronosGrundy03
πŸ“…︎ Jan 26 2020
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When I noticed β€œHI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

πŸ‘︎ 4k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Apr 10 2017
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How can someone be a parent without having kids?

If their last name is Parent.

And, this has to be one of the worst real bad dad jokes, as my husband, father of my son, just made it up. Just now. I had high hopes.

send help

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πŸ‘€︎ u/traceywashere
πŸ“…︎ Nov 11 2019
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When someone says β€œHold your horses”, they’re telling you to be stable.
πŸ‘︎ 26
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Danpowell1
πŸ“…︎ Oct 11 2019
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What do you call someone who used to be a transgender?

A transformer

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HfUfH
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2019
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Someone asked me what kind of Pokemon I would be. I answered Nidoran bc I wanna be δ½ ηš„δΊΊ.

δ½ ηš„δΊΊ (ni de ren) = your person

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/42aku
πŸ“…︎ Sep 16 2019
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If someone dies while you’re tickling them, would you be charged with murder…

or man’s laughter?

πŸ‘︎ 23
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jaggington
πŸ“…︎ Oct 24 2018
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It's safe to assume that, once someone rises to the rank of Colonel, they will continue to be promoted.

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

πŸ‘︎ 16
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DthAlchemist
πŸ“…︎ Mar 29 2019
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I contracted someone to build a chimney. I thought it'd be expensive...

But it was on the house.

πŸ‘︎ 18
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πŸ‘€︎ u/awssjay
πŸ“…︎ Apr 06 2019
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When someone is depressed, apply pressure to some part of their body. They'll no longer be de-pressed.
πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/SuspiciousOmelet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
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Don’t be Russian into bed with someone
πŸ‘︎ 38
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πŸ‘€︎ u/they63
πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2018
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Why is someone called an β€œEye witness”. Shouldn’t it be β€œI witness”?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/A-PiggerNussy
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2019
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Be careful when dating someone who has the flag of the USSR in their bedroom

It's a big red flag

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/rikeus
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2019
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Imagine someone teaching you the hacks of the onion Browser. They would be your tormentor.
πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/jawad062
πŸ“…︎ Nov 10 2018
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One my friends is studying in New Zealand and her boyfriend is studying in Canada. I told this to someone and remarked on how romantic it would be for them to date on the International date line .
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hal_potter_seven
πŸ“…︎ Jan 07 2019
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If someone takes all your left socks, you'll be left sockless. reddit.com/r/Showerthough…
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/PandubsGamingYT
πŸ“…︎ Mar 26 2019
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If you find someone who is taking a dump on a boat, would they be known as a

Midshitman?

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Deadly_R
πŸ“…︎ Mar 20 2019
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Telling someone that you work in IT support can be such a turn off...

And then a turn on again.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/keithasaurus
πŸ“…︎ Aug 11 2018
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Someone asked me if bad dad jokes should be illegal...

...I told them illegal was a sick bird

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/filmfarceur
πŸ“…︎ Aug 27 2018
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Someone told me may your coffee be as strong as your daughters attitude

I told them that it have to be concrete.

*Not really a pun just thought it be a funny response to them.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/CarleCJ253
πŸ“…︎ Aug 26 2018
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As he wiped the jelly from one eye and the cake from the other he realised I was not someone to be trifled with.
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2018
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I used to be best friends with someone tall, but we stopped hanging out a few years ago.

I just couldn't get over how he always looked down at me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ZombieFeedback
πŸ“…︎ Sep 29 2017
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James May everyone., Someone we must all aspire to be. (X-post /r/videos)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL-m5Nocb-g

πŸ‘︎ 49
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πŸ‘€︎ u/TheCaptainOats
πŸ“…︎ Aug 12 2014
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Whenever someone leaves the room and says, "I'll be back"

Victim: I'll be back.

Me: I'll be front! And then we can be a whole person!

Alternatively: If the victime says, "I'll be right back" I respond with "I'll be left back! Then together we can be a fullback!" It gives the added football pun.

πŸ‘︎ 35
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Xurandor
πŸ“…︎ Jul 11 2013
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I've been called cheesy, corny & a chicken. If someone calls me "mash potatoes with gravy" I can be a KFC Famous Bowl. #lifegoals
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/OhTheHueManatee
πŸ“…︎ Mar 28 2017
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If someone took a picture of Johann Bach in front of his house, then his house would be in the Bachground.
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Fubarfrank
πŸ“…︎ May 04 2015
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If someone from Guinea married someone from Qatar and had kids, their kids would be Guitars.

Heh.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/eaterpkh
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2015
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The plastic lid on my university cafeteria salad used to be someone's cat imgur.com/B9LsN5Y
πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ“…︎ Oct 07 2014
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Would you be afraid of someone who had lost two appendages in a terrible accident?

I mean, you shouldn't. They're probably un-armed.

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/sol-61
πŸ“…︎ Sep 13 2015
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When I noticed β€œHI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

πŸ‘︎ 54
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jul 05 2019
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When I noticed β€œHI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

πŸ‘︎ 85
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Jun 03 2019
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When I noticed β€œHI” in the alphabet, I thought someone was actually going to be my friend...

Then I saw the next two letters...

πŸ‘︎ 117
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πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Mar 04 2019
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I would be gutted if someone killed me...
πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Cheme13on
πŸ“…︎ Jun 27 2019
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