Be Someone Puns

You’re not alone.

They were right. I should have waited until next week.

Now he can't tell if it's 2B or not 2B.

Pie nipple ex-press

Readily A(p)parent

Edit: for clarity.

They always lose their train of thought

"...put an ‘s’ at the front and an ‘e’ at the end!"

But the heating was on

which was my 40th birthday. The BIG Four Oh! As in "Oh, you're 40 and not married? What's wrong with you?"

And my friends, as awesome as they are, kept setting me up on blind dates, but I never seemed to click with any of the women. Pretty women, short women, tall women, rough women, successful women, lazy women - I dated them all and more often than not, they just weren't interested in me.

I think I probably went on twenty or so dates that never resulted in a a single follow up date.

But two months before my birthday, I started dating two women and both fledgling relationships seemed like they were going somewhere as they were getting really, really serious. I couldn't choose one, but I didn't care. I just couldn't believe they were into me. Okay, maybe they weren't the best looking, but I was so desperate for a wife, and I'm definitely no prize myself.

With a few weeks to go before my birthday, I knew I had to act if I had any hope of being married. I bought two rings and proposed to them both (on separate nights, of course) and they both said no. In fact, though they never knew of each other, I went from two good things to both of them not returning my calls. I guess proposing in a mall food court (for Jenny) or down on my knees in front of the bathroom at a minor league baseball game (Susan) were not my best laid plans, doomed to fail. Or maybe I just reeked of desperation.

So the morning of my birthday, I was practically in tears, deep in depression as I knew I missed my deadline. But my friends came though, kind of. They took me out bar hopping and then we all went back to my place where they had a stripper waiting in my favorite chair. She got up, sat me down, and gave me a grinding lap dance. She said nothing, but after a minute, stopped, turned around, looked me in the eye and said "one." Then she started up again, stopped after a minute, turned around and said "two..."

This went on all night until she got to "forty."

It's been a few months now, and I'm not too sad. My friends really tried to get me married, and after two near mrs, I guess it was the thot that counts.

Not very nice.

Dad: That'd be you; I've come out without my wallet.

Then I saw the next two letters...

If their last name is Parent.

And, this has to be one of the worst real bad dad jokes, as my husband, father of my son, just made it up. Just now. I had high hopes.

send help

A transformer

你的人 （ni de ren) = your person

or man’s laughter?

Though I guess that's just a generalization.

But it was on the house.

It's a big red flag

Midshitman?

And then a turn on again.

...I told them illegal was a sick bird

I told them that it have to be concrete.

*Not really a pun just thought it be a funny response to them.

I just couldn't get over how he always looked down at me.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kL-m5Nocb-g

Victim: I'll be back.

Me: I'll be front! And then we can be a whole person!

Alternatively: If the victime says, "I'll be right back" I respond with "I'll be left back! Then together we can be a fullback!" It gives the added football pun.

Heh.

I mean, you shouldn't. They're probably un-armed.

Then I saw the next two letters...

Then I saw the next two letters...

Then I saw the next two letters...