Pulled Puns

It was a miner injury.

Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Traffic Cop: Yes ma'am, I'm afraid you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Traffic Cop: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: Well, I would give it to you but I don't have one.

Traffic Cop: Don't have one?

Older Woman: No. I lost it 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Traffic Cop: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Traffic Cop: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Traffic Cop: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Traffic Cop: You what!?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The traffic cop looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car while calling for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: My colleague here tells me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner? Are you serious?!

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The traffic cop is quite stunned.

Officer 2: My colleague claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer.

The officer examines the license quizzically.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, but I am puzzled, as I was told by my officer here that you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner!

Older Woman: Bet the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!

She wasn’t familiar with the rules of engagement.

The test was negative. My dealer sure has a lot of explaining to do.

It was a booby trap🤣🤣🤣🤣

I replied "is it because you want to see how tall I am?"

He said "step out of the car sir"

See, I knew it.......

Wowowowowowowowowow

It a cat-astrophe

Did the cop just bust a move?

It got charged with road rage because it wouldn't stop honking.

mine

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?" "Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the vet..

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room. He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room. A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$1500!" she cried, "$1500 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $50, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $1500."

I asked : why did you pull me over

They said :you need to slow down

I responded :why ,everyone else is Russian around here

With a confused but serious look the officer replied "The (city-name) Police Department doesn't have any balls sir". After my brief chuckle he used the force to arrest me. Not the light force or the dark force. He used excessive force. The light sabers are black and made of wood but they really hurt. The force was strong with that one.

The cop searches the trunk and says, "Do you know there's a dead cat in here?"

Schrodinger says, "Well I do now!"

He said it was acci-dental.

I replied, "I don't have one for myself, but I didn't know I needed one for a disabled vehicle".

"Wow," I responded, "that's a big word for a fuzzy blob."

Dad, if this place is NOT Berry’s farm, then whose farm is it??

It was just the Peeking Duck.

“Driver’s license?” the blonde driver asks, somewhat confused.

“You know, the little rectangle with your face on it that you keep in your purse,” the blonde cop explains patiently.

“Oh, that!” the blonde driver exclaims. She digs around in her purse and finally pulls out a small rectangular mirror, which she hands to the blonde cop.

The blonde cop looks at the mirror and exclaims, “Oh, I’m sorry, ma’am, you’re free to go…I didn’t realize you were a cop!”

Edit: Some people in the comments are saying that this is not a dad joke, I put this here cause my dad told this one to me. Hope this makes sense :)

"Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”

Making small talk while writing my ticket, the cop asks me what I do for work....

"I'm a rectum stretcher" I replied...

"A rectum stretcher? What's that involve?' he asks.

"Well, first we stretch the rectum by getting a few fingers in there, then a couple arms, then we stretch em out all the way to 6ft!" I say...

"Wow, what do you do with a 6ft arsehole?" He asks

My reply?

"Well, we put em out on the side of the road with a radar gun!"

The cop said, “Sir, I think you’ve confused race card with race car.”

I suspect they were Hell’s Angles.

I yelled “Scissors” and drove off

Judging by the reaction of the man asleep next to me on the bus, it did.

I am currently in the hospital. I had a back operation yesterday. The surgical nurse came in my room and started asking questions about my back. She asked me if I had any falls during the last year. I responded just one. It was after summer.

She laughed and said in 20 years of doing this she never was told that joke.

She committed an illegal U-churn.

I responded with, "because you got all C's in high school?"

We were throwing a frisbee and my toss dropped short.

Him: “UGH! Why, dude?!”

Me: “What comes after Y?”

Him: “Dude!”… “and also, Z.”

A proud and wonderful day.

Edit attempt: structure. On mobile and I’m not sure how this all works.

So at work I got on my normal elevator and a young gal flagged us down. We did the normal small talk and she mentioned she gets very nervous on elevators. My co-worker mentioned they're better then all those stairs. Like Jesus himself giving me a layup.

... so I could transcend dental medication.

He said he had me on suspicion of transporting marijuana and asked if he could search my vehicle. I replied "No sir, I'm a grower, not a shower".

But the cop let me go because there was no chaise.

Me: wears black clothes

Her: I see you're wearing the all black attire tonight

Me: No I'm wearing all black clothes... attire's what cars have

Got a very disappointed smile for that one.

“It would be a shame if you added an ‘S’ to the front and an ‘E’ to the end!”

I hope everything comes out ok.

He had the right of weigh.

It was fine.

I was doing 150km/h down the freeway when a cop pulled out from behind a billboard up ahead and flagged me down.....I pulled over.

He said "you know something? I've been here half the day waiting for you!"

I replied "yes officer, I know....that's why I was going so fast! I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer!"

Wife: why do dad's have the worst jokes?

Me: It's a rule, dads have to have cringy jokes

Wife: Who makes those rules?

Me: The Dad Poet Society

Wife: groan

I guess he wanted to shave a dollar

Our baby has started being fed solids not long ago. Lately, every time she's placed in the seat she instantly starts trying to eat the tray section.

My wife asked, "why does she like the tray so much?"

To which I promptly replied, "she's just having entrée before the main course!"

My wife didn't appreciate it as much as I did but I still managed a laugh out of her!