Hey what are your plans for Valentine's day? -Us singles be like :
What do you call second thoughts about plans to visit a Native American sanctuary?
A reservation reservation reservation
Do you know how Thanos came up with his horrible plans?
I don't plan to put up solar panels...
But, if you do, more power to you.
I have a plan for a new side-hustle. I’m gonna do personal training for members of the band that recorded ‘Lola’ and ‘You Really Got Me’. It’s a good plan...
I just have to work out a few Kinks.
What's the president's backup plan in case the USA gets invaded?
Have you heard about Amazon’s plan to make intercontinental shipments using electric submarine drones?
They’re projecting a large increase in e-fish-in-sea.
I have a plan to live on two bucks for the whole next year.
Step 1: get a hunting license.
My doctor was trying to describe the treatment plan for my frostbite.
I couldn't picture it, so she showed me a faux toe.
Polkageist: Its all going "accordion" to my plan!
I finally came up with a plan to get rid of the ice on my driveway
I have it all thawed out.
How do you plan a party in space?
You planet
Courtesy of my 12 year old daughter. So proud!!
Why did the couple cancel their dinner plans at the local Indian restaurant?
They agreed it was a naan-starter
Every morning I plan on making pancakes.
I tried to plan a tour of the worlds oldest library
Unfortunately it was fully booked
I couldn't stop laughing when I heard what they're going to call Biden's healthcare plan.
What did the bonito call the other bonito that cancelled plans?
Do you think birds ever plan out their day?
A midget escaped from prison by using bed sheets tied together and scaled down the outside wall. He left a note detailing his escape plan, highlighting the prison guards stupidity and incompetence.
The Warden said "he's a little condescending"
Did Covid-19 ruin your plans for 2020?
If so, then just wait for 2022.
Because 2022 is 2020 too.
I work at Johnsonville, lost a whole pallet of sausages yesterday - luckily I have a plan...
Time for the “wurst-case scenario”. Glad I brat that to your attention? Sorry, I know these jokes are played, you gotta take sausage jokes on a casing by casing basis. Ok I’ll stop now.
Son: What are your plans for today?
Dad: A friend and I are going to buy some eyeglasses?
Son: And after that?
Dad: And after that, we'll see.
If you ever have to cancel plans with friends your excuse should be that you have to wash your hair in a lukewarm shower with high quality dandruff shampoo.
At least that way your friends can never call you flakey.
There are plans to turn Kodak into a pharmaceutical company
But the plans are underdeveloped
When quarantine messes up your plans...
I had my cornfield all set up to sell in 2 acre units when my realtor suddenly brought me plans for acre units.
He was plotting against me!
Not really sure this is a dad joke but my daughter just confused us both. She's making bracelets and said she plans to sell them for 50 cents to raise money for her school.
She said she'll give half to her school and keep a quarter for herself.
I asked Dad how he plans to spend the day. He said, "first, Mom and I will go pick up our prescription glasses"
Fidelity just announced a retirement plan for Rock ‘n Rollers
It’s called the David Lee Roth.
Wife: what are your plans for today? Me: I am going to the eye doctor
Why do melons have to plan their weddings?
During the pandemic, I plan to build a new underground shelter to live in.
Every plan A needs a good plan B
For Easter I plan on smoking a ham.
Anyone know where I can find rolling papers big enough to fit one?
I had a plan to fry eggs for breakfast, but I dropped them
My friend showed me his plan to get and drink a frozen carbonated beverage available in fruit and soda flavors.
"Icee!" I exclaimed exuberantly.
Everyone has been asking me about my plan to continue my career as a juggler when the quarantine ends, but I’m not sure yet...
everything is still up in the air.
The preachers are up in arms about Trump's plan to add more hydroelectric power plants.
They are worried about the damnation.
I don't plan to put up solar panels.
But if you do, more power to you.
“What are your plans for today?”
“A friend of mine and I are going to buy some glasses.”
“And after that?”
“And after that we’ll see.”
What are your plans for today?
Friend: What are your plans for today?
Me: I am going with my brother to the optician to get new glasses
Friend: then what?
Me: And then we'll see
If your plans are ruined this 2020 because of Coronavirus, save it for 2022
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