How is a balloon floating in mid - air and a vagrant similar to each other?
They both have no visible means of support.
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︎ Feb 25 2022
A famous magician decided to quit his job mid show.
So for his final trick he counted in Spanish.
Uno
Dos
And he disappeared.
He left without a tres.
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︎ Jan 25 2022
What do you call a dad who has a mid-life crisis and changes genders?
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︎ Jan 11 2022
I was telling my Wife about this guy I knew in vollege who had an interesting medical condition. He was numb on his backside from his waist to his mid thigh.
Her: are you serious?
Me: dead-ass.
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︎ Dec 02 2021
Did you hear that an airline is going to start hosting court sessions mid-flight?
Itβs Called Trial nβ Air.
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︎ Jan 15 2022
It felt so good to quit my DJ job in mid-shift while talking live to the listeners...
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︎ Jun 21 2021
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
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︎ May 31 2021
An actor was writing a letter when he changed from cursive to standard lettering mid-sentence.
He went completely off script.
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︎ Apr 12 2021
If you're in your mid to late thirties, chances are you were born in the...
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︎ Oct 29 2019
My kid wanted to talk to ghosts; we found three guys willing to intervene. One was very tall, one was very short and the other was mid-sized.
I chose the 3rd guy as he was the medium.
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︎ Jan 01 2021
Recently, the Kansas City Chiefs acted quickly and had to pull their team barber out mid-cut because they learned he tested positive for COVID.
Guess you could say that it was a close shave
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︎ Feb 05 2021
My wife told me she had to pee while I was mid stream.
I told her to join the club.
It's called Urine-Nation.
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︎ Mar 07 2021
Son, remember if your parachute stops working mid-air, don't panic.
You'll have the rest of your life to fix it
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︎ Oct 28 2020
The tall guy who tips off the ball to start basketball games was found deceased at mid-court...
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︎ Oct 27 2020
Why were people in the middle ages so medival and when did people advance from being mid-evil to advanced-evil?
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︎ Mar 26 2020
Physicians work alone, or in mid-sized teams
because two of them together would be a paradox.
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︎ May 15 2020
Mid evil
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︎ Dec 30 2018
A very elderly gentleman, mid ninety's, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great suit, flower in his lapel smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walks into an upscale cocktail loungeβ¦
Seated at the bar is an elderly lady, mid eighties.
The gentleman walks over, sits along side of her, orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says, "So tell me, do I come here often?"
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︎ Oct 05 2019
If you take up drawing as a mid-life hobby, but you just can't get past tracing...
You may be having an exit-stencil crisis.
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︎ Nov 09 2019
Why couldn't the trapeze artist complete a full somersaulting transfer in mid-air?
Because he didn't give a flying flip.
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︎ Nov 25 2019
I like to have a little mid-morning coffee at work...
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︎ Oct 09 2019
If you're in your mid to late thirties in 2019, chances are you were born in the
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︎ Oct 29 2019
Just found out that men do not need prostate exams till they reach their mid forties.
My doctor has a lot of explaining to do.
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︎ Jul 21 2018
Why did the dull pencil have a mid-life crisis?
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︎ Jan 22 2019
Got Dad-Joked mid meeting
Reviewing an insurance proposal with a client when we got to a storm provision...
Client: So BLToaster, does this other policy cover hail as well?
BLToaster: Absolutely.
Client: Hail yea!
Groans around the room while the client and myself cracked up.
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︎ Dec 22 2014
I'm trying to avoid having a mid-life crisis...
I want to save something for the semi-finals.
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︎ Feb 20 2019
Dad jokes galore: Candy company settles with mid-Missouri man over underfilled boxes
A settlement has been reached in one of the sweetest lawsuits ever to be filed in federal court, but details of the payday are under wrappers.
Daryl White Jr. of Belle, Missouri, didnβt sugar coat his anger about paying a dollar apiece for boxes of Mike and Ikes and Hot Tamales that were only two-thirds full. Determined not to be a sucker, he hired counsel and paid the U.S. District Court Western District of Missouri a $400 filing fee to sue Just Born Inc., the candymakerβs parent company, for alleged deceptive advertising and unjust enrichment.
SOURCE
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︎ Nov 04 2018
So I'm playing DotA when four enemies go into the mid lane and my teammate calls out "four mid"
I replied "Yeah, they're looking pretty fourmidable."
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︎ Jun 13 2018
I walked into the kitchen to find yet another yoghurt floating in mid-air.
I've had enough of these Paranormal Activia.
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︎ Nov 18 2015
My dad gets distracted by something mid sentence while talking to my mom.
Mom: Squirrel
Dad: What?
Mom: It's from that movie up
Dad: Oh... Duck
Mom: what?
Dad: It's from that movie down
I could not stop laughing in the back seat and I still laugh thinking about it today. (its been over 5 years since he said that)
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︎ Oct 18 2013
My friends hate living at their homes in the mid-west
They want to be put out of their Missouri.
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︎ Oct 03 2016
While waiting on a table at work. I left him there mid-order.
Me - "Would you like to try our Turkey BLT special today?"
Probably a Dad - "No, thank you. I've been addicted to thanksgiving leftovers lately. I've been trying to quit, cold turkey..."
Slow clap.
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︎ Dec 01 2015
I was in Drivers Ed and my teacher (mid 50's father of 2) was talking about what to do if there is a large vehicle in the way.
"For example, if there is a big UPS truck in the road what do you do? Wait, actually, did you guys hear about the merger happening between UPS and FedEx?"
A round of confused "no's" pop up around the room
"Yes, they are merging, I hear they are going to now be called FedUps..."
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︎ Oct 09 2013
Dad dropped this on me while I was mid dump
As my dad rolls up to take me to lunch I text him "hold on, nature calls" as I walked to take a dump. 2 minutes later I get "I think you're the one that needs to hold on, just remember to let go."
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︎ Sep 18 2014
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
If Arnold Schwarzeneter was a student he would be the mid-terminater
π︎ 2
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︎ May 31 2021
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