Last night I told our middle son that he was the meanest child of our three boys

I was the only one in the car who laughed.

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πŸ‘€︎ u/h3fabio
πŸ“…︎ Dec 07 2018
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The sole purpose of a child’s middle name.

is so they can tell when it's really inΒ trouble.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Namirred
πŸ“…︎ Sep 14 2019
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In honour of National Middle Child Day.

-My sister "Hey, today is National Middle Child Day!"
-My dad "That can't be right. It should be on a Wednesday."

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thebillgonadz
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2014
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My brother and I laugh at how competitive we were as kids.

But I laugh more.

πŸ‘︎ 11k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Rav4xle
πŸ“…︎ May 12 2020
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My father was in the army...

And I remember he used to be stationed in exotic places all over the world. Once he came back home with a very exotic looking bird. I asked him what kind of a bird it was and he told me it’s a rare almost extinct species called a Foux (pronounced Foo). This foux was the apple of his eye and he would take care of the bird as if it was his own child. Sometime during this period the Foux began developing a real bad case of constipation and my father was really worried about it. He tried all kinds of medicines to make the Foux pass it’s bowels, but nothing was working. One day, during this period, I woke up to a huge argument taking place between my parents. My mom was accusing him of cheating on her during one of his tours, she had found some pictures of him and another woman and he was denying it vehemently. I realized then that my father had been quite the philanderer and this wasn’t the first time he had been caught. My mom was trying to get him to just admit to his indiscretion.

β€œWhy don’t you just admit it Harry”, she said;

but he stuck to his denial,

β€œYou think I could ever do something like this Sarah”, he said.

Right then amidst all this ruckus, the Foux began to take a dump, in the middle of the living room.

My mom looked at the bird, then looked back at my dad and with a sense of resignation she just said β€œWell if the Foux shits...”

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RangaRedRascal
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
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Picky eater results in epic dad joke from my daughter...

My middle child, who loves rice, declined the yellow rice we offered him because apparently he only likes one type of rice.

Without missing a beat my daughter (11 y/o) exclaimed, "stop being rice-ist."

My job is done, clearly there is no more I can teach her.

πŸ‘︎ 687
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Dr_Nik
πŸ“…︎ Feb 14 2020
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U2 is having a concert in northern Ireland.

Halfway through the show, the music stops and Bono stands middle stage clapping his hands every few seconds. "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies" Without missing a beat, from somewhere in the front of the crowd a man bellows out in a thick Irish accent: "Well stop fucking doing it ya evil bastard!"

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/facts_my_guyy
πŸ“…︎ Jun 15 2020
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three sisters

Three sisters stranded on a deserted island find a magic lamp. Inside it is a genie who agrees to grant each sister one wish.

β€œI want to go home,” says the oldest sister. The genie grants her wish.

β€œI want to go home, too,” says the youngest sister. And the genie sends her back home.

β€œI’m lonely,” says the middle child. β€œI sure wish my sisters were back here."

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/specklesinc
πŸ“…︎ Aug 20 2019
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This one is too long for just a title. But, I promise that this really just happened.

I live in South Carolina, sort of near the coast, and Hurricane Florence is headed this way. My two youngest children--total cowards--were helping me clear out all of the storm drains and curb gutters on our street to help the expected 10-20 inches of rain drain as best they can. Any time any insect flies past them, they scream bee and run away screaming. I'm talking like they're afraid of butterflies. My youngest says that Winter is her favorite season because all the bees are dead.

So, we finish up, and I go inside ahead of them, making them put the shovels away, and I hear, from inside, them running and crying/shrieking across the front porch and inside the house.

My youngest, amidst her sobs, says, "It was as big as a baseball" and holds the one I keep on my desk up for comparison.

I think make the B sign in ASL with both of my hands, stand up and say "BUZZ BUZZ BUZZ" at them while they run away in fear, and when the middle child says, "THAT'S NOT FUNNY" I keep moving towards them with my B hands while saying, "DO YOU WANT ME TO JUST LET YOU BEE? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA"

I'm a great dad.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/wuapinmon
πŸ“…︎ Sep 11 2018
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My cousin just had a son...

His son's middle name is robinson

my cousin's name is robin

his son is robin's son

robinson

I don't understand how you people do this, but shoutout to father's everywhere for being so apologetically cheesy.

(he's been a father for the past five years: this is his second child)

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Vkca
πŸ“…︎ Dec 28 2013
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