If life gives you melons...
I spent my entire life savings on pasta.
It was worth every penne.
When you are at rock bottom in life...
The saddest activity in my life...is crushing coke cans.
You get nowhere in life without taking a Risk, officer.
That’s why I robbed the board game store.
It carried over into real life, too!
Did you hear about the optometrist who saved a life?
Tomodachi Life's out on Nintendo Switch
I keep seeing the same joke that it takes ten tickles to make an octopus laugh. Can we stop with the harassing of sea life and just...
Life is like a box of chocolates
It won't last long if you're obese
From r/askreddit's thread "If your sex life was a country, what country would it be and why?"
What's the secret of the Queen's long life?
Whats the one thing in life you can always count on?
Did you hear about the man who spent his life savings opening a distillery?
There are two unwritten rules in life
My wife has been taking a course in advanced electrics and it's taken over her life. Everything she says these days concerns resistors, transformers, circuitry, voltage, ampage etc. All fucking day long, I've tried explaining to her it's driving a wedge between us, but she won't listen to reason.
She just buries her head in the sand like an off switch.
A real life dad joke.
My wife was dishing out food. She put some salad on a plate and handed it to my daughter.
Then my wife looked at me and said, "Cesar Salad?"
I immediately grabbed my daughter's plate and pulled it out of her hands. My daughter got confused (maybe wondering if she did something wrong?). My wife asks me, "What the hell are you doing???"
I responded, "Sorry. Could have sworn you just said seize her salad."
My friend Earl has a wife that is a bit obsessive about finding the total number of things in her everyday life...
And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.”
But John came fifth - and won a toaster.
When life sends you a lemon, squeeze the day.
Life just isn't fair sometimes
Once a coin saved a person's life, the coin was in his shirt pocket, the coin deflected the bullet shot at him
The coin was truly his life savings
Spare him his life from this monstrosity
Did you hear about the frog who took his own life?
My stressed out Mexican friend is moving to a place where one can live a life of ease on 100 centavos a day...
He needs a change of peso.
Life is tough being an elevator repair technician.
Juan's friends and family always tell him how to live his life, but he's been doing some solitary soul searching
Because it takes Juan to know Juan
Ever since my girlfriend got pregnant, a lot in my life has changed....
Like, my name, phone number, and address
Grandparents love telling their life stories over and over and over again
The life of a Family Photographer isn't for me.
Every Day I shoot people, I frame them, and hang them
I'm currently reading a book about the life of Henry Ford.
What did the Egyptian crocodile do with the problems in his life?
Nothing, he lived in da-nile
What do you call a pro-life environmentalist?
Life is a terminal disease....
....and it's sexually transmitted.
When you said life would go back to normal after June...
I spent my entire life savings on pasta
When life gives you melons...
When life gives you melons
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