Sometimes eye roll with it.
A punisher
But thi silvery from one post to the next.
Back in the day, my dad would lay this one on me often.
After we did something together, "I don't care what your mother says, you're a great son" but the last part would change depending on what we were doing at the time.
The woman asked the doctor about her baby.
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl. They're both fine. And, you're brother named them for you.
Woman: No No No! Not my brother. He's an idiot! What did he name the girl?
Doctor: Denise.
Woman: Ohh, that's actually a nice name. What about the boy?
Doctor: deeply sighs Denephew.
Slim to Nun?
(Incidentally this is a true story and I got yelled at)
They crept in. It was pitch black and stone quiet. They were suddenly starting to regret this dare. Stupidly, only one brought a flash light. The aggressive darkness and inky black yielded with grudging compliance but always seeming to push back. They moved cautiously onward amid the dust and cobwebs. The floor creaked. They breathed in tight, quick breaths. You could hear a pin drop.
Suddenly, there was a deep moan. "OOOOOOOOUUUUU". It seemed from below them. The house had been abandoned for years. Who or what could make such a sound? The boys looked at each other, but continued on, hearts pounding in their chests.
As they proceeded into the kitchen they encountered a swarm of flies. Buzzing and beating their necks and faces, they rushed and stumbled to the door, not stopping to see what they were truly feasting on. They slammed the door behind them. Maybe a body? But no way were they going back to find out. And again came the sound, "ooooOOOOOooooOOUUU" but louder this time, and closer.
They proceeded through the dark into the dining room. They saw a fully set dining table covered in cob webs. Dust-covered regal-looking glasses, goblets and silverware adorned the table. Spiders climbed on ivory plates. Clearly a house of privilege and set for a grand feast which never happened.
Or, perhaps, met a fatal end?
They pushed on. But again that unearthly howl.
"oooooOOOOOOOOOOOUuuuuUUUUuuUUOOOOooo".
They found the basement staircase, and from below, the sounds seemed to be emanating. Could they proceed? Would they? Did they dare? Two of the boys looked at each other, faces filled with worry.
But the third said, confidently, "We're going down there." Not wanting to seem the weaker, the other two boys steeled themselves and nodded.
The stairs creaked and groaned evily under their feet. The rickety banister shook in angry defiance. Insects and vermin scattered underneath them with every step. They were descending into hell, they knew, but none would turn back.
And the sound: "oOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUuuuuUUOOOO". Now loud enough to fill not only their heads but seeming to claw at their very souls!
Now at the basement door! The antique, crying squeak of the hinges eeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEee made the boys wince and almost cover their ears. But they had to know. WHAT is making that horrible, terrible sound?
"ooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUoooooUUUUUUUOOOOOOO"
In the center of the basement lay an unholy coffin! A twisted artistic expression of murder, decay and
... keep reading on reddit ➡Daughter: "Quarantine."
Me: . . .
Daughter: "You don't get it. It's an inside joke."
The rabbit says: "I think i am a Type O."
“It’s a pleasure to serve you, Mr. Hasselhoff”, said the bartender.
“Just call me Hoff”, he replied.
“Sure”, said the bartender, “no hassle”.
....
It was a shitzu.
EDIT: For those who say it's "stolen", i had no idea. A friend of mine told me this one yesterday and i just had to post it. That's it :)
He turned towards me and said, "One would've been enough, son."
I yelled out, "Oasis!"
Edit: My first ever attempt at a dad joke, and i never thought i would get anywhere this much upvotes. Thank y'all so much!
You must be a Simpson then.
Bartender says, “That will be $20.20.”
The bartender says, "Hey". The horse replies, "Sure".
Apparently, it wasn't set high enough.
The bartender says, “Hey! Aren’t you the rope that I just threw out?”
The rope replied, “No. I’m a frayed knot.”
It must have been the delivery...
He's changed a lot.
they lied, everybody else had their clothes on.
The odds were against me.
The rabbit says “I think I’m a Type-O.”
🐇🩸💁♀️
Before they can order a drink the bartender yells
"Get out, we don't serve your type here!"
It’s because they only have one pair of trunks between the two of them.
and says to the bartender, "Excuse me, is this stool taken?"
We're not on speaking terms.
The horse says, "I don't think so," then disappears into nothing.
This is the point in time when all the philosophy students in the audience begin to giggle, as they are familiar with the philosophical proposition of Cogito ergo sum, or I think, therefore, I am. The classic philosophy put forward by René Descartes.
But to explain the concept aforehand would be putting Descartes before the horse.
He made himself a laughing stock
almost made me puma pants
It was a booby trap.
The bartender says “i’ll serve you, but don’t start anything!”
Put it in the microwave until it’s Bill Withers
The bartender says “Sorry we don’t serve food here.”
“Wherever you go, there are those darn cameras!"
He shouted into the room, "Everywhere I go, there's a black bird that sticks to me. He sticks to my fleece jacket, my wool hat, even my velvet gloves!"
The concierge shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's just the Vale crow."
“A rum and...................... coke please." He asked.
"Certainly", replied the bar man, "but why the big pause?"
"I was born with them", answered the bear.
Doctor: Stephen with a "ph"?
Nurse: Yes, a low one.
with a Jan-hitter
Cause he couldn’t see that well
Seriously, how low can you go?
That’s a lot of pressure.
The bartender says, “I’m glad you dumped your buddy. He’s mean.”
I said... you’ll be mist...
The bartender asks "how did you do that?"
Who?
Any other good jokes like that to play on my family?
Hans-anitizer
It was a queso mistaken identity.
It is the director‘s cut
And a table...and a wall.
the barman replies "for you, no charge".
would it be a kaleidoscope?
He said, “I’m back to school!”
It folded
Their conversations always dragon for way too long
The bartender said "that'll be $20.20"
Everybody
‘’Euripides’’ says the tailor. ‘’Yeah, Eumenides?’’ replies the man.
I hoped one would win, but no pun in ten did.
Barkeep: "What'll it be?"
Bear: "I'll have a scotch and....... ..... a soda."
Barkeep: "Coming right up, but curious, why the big pause, there?"
Bear: holds up arms and looks at them "I don't know. I've had them my whole life."
Me- “You gave me one too many”
Shopkeeper- “that one is a freebie”
One says to the bartender, “This is a fancy capital.”
He still has the right to remain silent.
They used a mortar and PEZ-tle.
Yeah, it's dumb but it sure beats a repost!
An electric sock!
I ask for his name. He says it’s Dasani. I said, ”water you here for?” He didn’t look amused. I said, “hey bud no need to keep your emotions bottled up.”
The pirate replies, “Arrgh, it’s driving me nuts!”
Pun-in-ten-dead.
The clerk replies “It’s a freebie”
...he’s really a big lyre.
He shouts, “A beer please! And one for the road!”
A panda walks into a bar one day. He casually walks to the bar and sits on a bar stool.
The bartender thinks this is a bit odd, a panda walking into a bar isn’t something that normally happens to him.
He approaches the panda regardless and asks, “What can I get you?”
The panda grabs a menu off the bar, opens it and points to a cheeseburger.
The bartender is very impressed by this and so he decides to go ahead and make the cheeseburger for the panda.
The panda gets his cheeseburger, devours it, savoring every last bit. He then wipes its mouth with a napkin, impressing the bartender even more.
But then suddenly the panda pulls out a gun and shoots everyone in the bar, except for the bartender.
The bartender stands there in total shock, soaked in blood, and can only ask the panda, “Why?”
The panda pulls a dictionary from his fur coat and turns to the bartender. He flips the book to the P section, places it on the bar, and points to his picture. Then he turns and walks out the door without looking back.
The bartender leans down and reads the entry next to Panda. It says…
“Panda: A wild animal that eats, shoots and leaves.”
But I only have light injuries.
He went into the woods during a deep fog and saw a figure, so he shot...
He mist.
Bear says “oh these? I was born with em.”
The crews were marooned.
The bartender says, “that’ll be $20.20”
Doctor: You had twins, a boy and a girl, and they are both fine. Luckily your brother named them for you. Woman: oh no, not my brother, what an idiot! What did he name the girl? Doctor: Denise. Woman: Well it isn't so bad, and what did he call the boy? Doctor: Denephew.
Bartenders says, “That’ll be $20.20”
...he orders a Corona and two Hurricanes. The bartender says sure, that’ll be $20.20.
Bartender says, “That’ll be $20.20.”
The bartender said “how did you do that?”?
and asks how much for a drink,
the bartender replies "For you no charge"
The rabbit says, “I think I might be a typo”
Bartender says: that’ll be $20.20
