If you become seriously depressed, try drinking a gallon of water just before you go to bed.

That will give you a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

πŸ‘︎ 12k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Jan 28 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor says that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go.

Because they dilate.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kdlaz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I always bring an extra pair of underwear when I go golfing

Just incase I get a hole in one.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/rubNTugInc
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
No matter where I go, I like to bring my ukulele, then, whenever someone asks if I play an instrument, I say...

β€œI play a little guitar!"

πŸ‘︎ 9k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/honolulu_oahu_mod
πŸ“…︎ Dec 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why did the Walrus go to the tupperware party?

He was looking for a tight seal.

πŸ‘︎ 211
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AnEvilSunBro
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
I told my daughter, "Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field." She said, "What's that got to do with anything?"

I said "That means it's pasture bedtime."

πŸ‘︎ 22k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ArchipelagoMind
πŸ“…︎ Nov 15 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won't swords go obsolete?

They are cutting edge technology.

πŸ‘︎ 13k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/U-r-a-bus
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
Why won’t triangles go on dates with circles?

They’re pointless.

πŸ‘︎ 4k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Calm_Fan_381
πŸ“…︎ Dec 01 2020
🚨︎ report
Thesaurus go brrr
πŸ‘︎ 28
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/shortie360
πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2021
🚨︎ report
tank go boosh
πŸ‘︎ 3k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/CakeskiMcSandvich
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do the keys on a keyboard go to have a good time

The spacebar

πŸ‘︎ 253
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 15 2021
🚨︎ report
Astronomers got tired watching the moon go around the earth for 24 hours.

They decided to call it a day.

πŸ‘︎ 75
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/saiyyanwarrior
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
A twist on the Car(go) space meme or whatever that is
πŸ‘︎ 61
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/EthanoicAcid2203
πŸ“…︎ Feb 15 2021
🚨︎ report
A man walks into an open casket funeral and approaches the widow at the front. He asks: "Mind if I say a word?". "No, go ahead" she replies.

"Bargain" the man says.

"Thanks" the woman replies. "That means a great deal."

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/giftfrom
πŸ“…︎ Jan 31 2021
🚨︎ report
I said I was sad to have to go back to work on Monday after a long break. My four year old without missing a beat said...

Daddy, you're sad because it's SADurday.

I was so proud.

πŸ‘︎ 582
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/1kings2214
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2021
🚨︎ report
What's the best time to go to the dentist?

2:30

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/nerfviking
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Redi-go
πŸ‘︎ 21
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thecoolShitposter
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the clock go back four seconds?

Because it was hungry

πŸ‘︎ 42
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/xIR0NPULSE
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the chimney go to the doctor?

Because it had the flue.

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do pizza makers go to work everyday?

They knead the dough.

πŸ‘︎ 44
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/itsthewendigo
πŸ“…︎ Feb 06 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cheese go to jail?

He was exhibiting bad brie-havior

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/witch-bitch-
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2021
🚨︎ report
Why do managers never go bowling with their employees?

Because they are afraid of them striking

πŸ‘︎ 39
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Geb69
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Police officer, "So where did the hacker go?"

Me, "I have no idea. He just ransomwere."

πŸ‘︎ 34
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 22 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the cheese go to the gym?

It wanted to get shredded.

πŸ‘︎ 49
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/bobafett01992
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I try to make sure I have the noisiest rifle when I go hunting.

It ensures I get a good bang for my Buck.

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChaosDragoon89
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism

πŸ‘︎ 159
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/LordCinko
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2021
🚨︎ report
I used to go fishing with Skrillex ...

but he kept dropping the bass.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kickypie
πŸ“…︎ Feb 20 2021
🚨︎ report
I had a go at making soup for the family tonight

I had some great feedback, the kids even said it was souper good!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Chacmaa
πŸ“…︎ Feb 19 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do Sith Lords go shopping?
πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/elektrodinosaur
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why is a photon able to go so fast?

It's traveling light!

πŸ‘︎ 10
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/lfantine
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What do you type into a time machine if you want to go to Christmas?

Present Day.

I haven't tried it, but pretty sure it'll work.

πŸ‘︎ 24
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/joepopp
πŸ“…︎ Feb 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Where do Jewish dogs go to pray?

The Synadogue

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/naddlenoodle
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
My 2 yo daughter doesn’t like to go to sleep.

Some nights I feel like a cop chasing a robber trying to catch her so I can put her to sleep, as she β€œsteels” away in various rooms of the house...

You could say she’s β€œevading a-rest”...

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/x000b
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
Every time I go to the liquor store, a dude comes out of nowhere to give me advice on what to buy.

He’s my spirit guide.

Edit: Thanks guys.

πŸ‘︎ 14k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2020
🚨︎ report
Why do a lot of nurses go to college at the North Pole?

It’s where the Icy U is

πŸ‘︎ 20
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/TheAnim8or
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Because he was such a fun guy.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/donfam
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
Why don't some couple go to gym ?

Because some relationship does not workout.

πŸ‘︎ 9
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did bicycle go to bed early? Because it was two-tired
πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Matisqo
πŸ“…︎ Jan 17 2021
🚨︎ report
Me to son: Go pick up your room.

Son: I can’t.

Me: And why not?

Son: Because it’s too heavy!

πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/yrnspnnr
πŸ“…︎ Feb 13 2021
🚨︎ report
Why did the skunks go to the toilet at the same time?

Because friends stink together!

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nat20_on_a_D100
πŸ“…︎ Feb 25 2021
🚨︎ report
When you said life would go back to normal after June...

Julyed.

πŸ‘︎ 76
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πŸ‘€︎ u/streety22
πŸ“…︎ Feb 12 2021
🚨︎ report
Best 'ice' puns. Go!

What are the best 'ice puns'? Trying to name a project in opposition to U.S. Immigrations and Customs Enforcement, or ICE. Ideas needed. Thx in advance πŸ™πŸΌ Have a punderful day!

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mnrqz
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2021
🚨︎ report
Which way did the programmer go?

He went data way

πŸ‘︎ 23
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/decentname99
πŸ“…︎ Feb 11 2021
🚨︎ report
Some people will cause happiness wherever they go....

.....others will cause happiness whenever they go.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
A woman is walking through the park when she sees a very attractive man sitting on a park bench. He's reading a book and eating some fruit out of a Tupperware container. Slowly the woman gathers the courage to go ask the man out...

So, she walks over and takes a seat next to him on the bench, turns to him and says, "Sorry to bother you. I know this may be a little forward but I would love to grab coffee with you some time."

Flattered, the man responds, "Sure... but what makes you so certain you and I would get along so well?"

"Well..." the woman says. "A couple things, actually. I noticed you were wearing an Iron Maiden t-shirt. Iron Maiden are my favorite band of all time. When they went on their reunion tour in 1999, my parents took me to see them in Cleveland. I was 12 years old and it was the first concert I ever went to. I absolutely love Iron Maiden."

The man can't believe it.

"I saw them play Cleveland in '99! First concert I ever went to on my own. My best friend Jimmy Spitz and I told our parents we were sleeping at each others' houses, snuck out, took a bus into the city and saw them play at the Plain Dealer Pavillion!"

Naturally, they're both shocked.

"If that isn't weird enough..." says the woman. "I noticed you're reading Mark Twain. I was a communications major in university and I actually wrote my thesis on Mark Twain and how he used satire as a lens to comment on current events of the time, comparing him to satirical news sources of today. He's my favorite author."

Now the man is really taken aback, "Get out of here! I was an English major in university! I specialized in 19th century American literature and this is like my fourth or fifth time reading Tom Sawyer, I absolutely love Mark Twain."

They both can't believe it...this has got to be a match made in heaven.

"Ok..." the woman says. "Well, buckle up because here's the icing on the cake. I noticed you're eating a prune. Prunes are my absolute favorite fruit. When I was a kid, my grandfather lived on a farm. He had an orchard that mainly grew apples and some lemons, but he knew how much my sister and I loved prunes so he kept a couple of plum trees. Every year at the end of the summer, we'd go up and harvest the plums with him. He'd dry them and by the time we'd go back to his place for Thanksgiving he'd always have those prunes saved just for us. They're my favorite fruit! I love prunes, you're eating a prune, this has got to be fate. What do you say?"

The man puts down his fruit and responds,

"It's a date!"

πŸ‘︎ 17k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/madazzahatter
πŸ“…︎ Aug 21 2020
🚨︎ report
Where do men in Southeast Asia go to buy neckwear?

Thailand (β€œTie Land”)

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MGreenMN
πŸ“…︎ Feb 21 2021
🚨︎ report
What are CIA agents called when they go to sleep ?

Undercover.

πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 10 2021
🚨︎ report
My doctor said that when you die, your pupils are the last thing to go....

Because they dilate...

πŸ‘︎ 66
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/SnooRobots3440
πŸ“…︎ Feb 18 2021
🚨︎ report
If you ever get the chance to go to India

You have to try their New Delhi

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Nickatier_Carbs
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2021
🚨︎ report

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