My wife's been in a coma for 2 weeks now and doctors have told me to expect the worst.

So, I have to go to all the charity shops and get her clothes back.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VERBERD
πŸ“…︎ Feb 28 2021
🚨︎ report
Don’t expect to hear yourself urinate after taking the Pfizer vaccine.

I had a doctor tell me the P was silent.

πŸ‘︎ 150
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πŸ‘€︎ u/banditk77
πŸ“…︎ Dec 03 2020
🚨︎ report
I don't know why people expect Time's Square to put on a decent New Year's Eve show.

They're always dropping the ball.

πŸ‘︎ 8
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Elnateo
πŸ“…︎ Dec 31 2020
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I expect a reaction from you all.
πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/shampoo_and_dick
πŸ“…︎ Feb 23 2020
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I didn't expect to see that convention of skilled printers in Madrid…

It was a Spanish ink-wiz-isition.

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/DENelson83
πŸ“…︎ Oct 31 2020
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Absolutely nobody expects it
πŸ‘︎ 52
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Lams1d
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2020
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I didn’t expect to laugh at these, but they have groan on me.
πŸ‘︎ 92
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πŸ‘€︎ u/britoptimus
πŸ“…︎ Apr 18 2020
🚨︎ report
You would expect A Queue to go in order

but it skips b c d e f g h I j k l m n o and p

πŸ‘︎ 4
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πŸ‘€︎ u/G3RRRIT
πŸ“…︎ Aug 05 2020
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What starts with a CO ends with a CK and hurts when you don’t expect it?

A comeback

πŸ‘︎ 11
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ennogera
πŸ“…︎ Apr 01 2020
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Star Trek fans always expect a gift when going to a convention.

They call it the Enter prize

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Apr 19 2020
🚨︎ report
He should expect a long sentence.
πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2018
🚨︎ report
My wife has come.to expect my dad jokes, but she didn't see this one coming.

I have an Xterra that I affectionately call Alexis.

"With all the off road stuff on the Xterra, I think it needs a more butch sounding name."

"Like what?"

"Liam."

"Liam?! You can't just change her name like that."

"Yeah, Liam Nissan."

I thought her eyes were going to fall out she rolled them so hard.

πŸ‘︎ 3k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Ensign_Ricky_
πŸ“…︎ Mar 25 2017
🚨︎ report
During my trip to Madrid I was staying at this small motel when I grew pretty ill. Thankfully the people at the front desk sent the on call doctor over and he was able to fix me up real quick. I told him I didn't expect such a small place to have such a good doctor, to which he told me

Nobody expects the Spanish Inn Physician

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πŸ‘€︎ u/RKO-Cutter
πŸ“…︎ Oct 08 2019
🚨︎ report
Why do cab drivers expect to be tipped?

I just don't think that's fare.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/pat_the_brat
πŸ“…︎ Sep 26 2018
🚨︎ report
Yesterday, my mom didn’t expect that my dad’s new year’s resolution was to stop looking at other women’s breasts.

I guess hindsight is 2020

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mega-yeet
πŸ“…︎ Jan 01 2020
🚨︎ report
My wife was just recently diagnosed with colorectal cancer and now has surgery scheduled to remove a couple of inches of her colon. I expect her grammar will improve as a result.

... Because she's going to have to learn how to use a semicolon.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Weekend833
πŸ“…︎ Sep 19 2019
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Where would you least expect an inconvenience?

A convenience store!

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/RandomLemonz
πŸ“…︎ Jun 30 2019
🚨︎ report
Don't expect good manners from a rude Frenchman.

They show no merci.

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2019
🚨︎ report
My new boss told me that he expects me to be on call 24/7...

but I don't really mind as the 24th of July is ages away

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/thomt94
πŸ“…︎ Oct 10 2015
🚨︎ report
My girlfriend's parents probably expect to be grandparents after this one

My girlfriend's mom was opening her Christmas gift when her sister asks why the wrapping paper says "Snow time" on it since there is no snow this Christmas.

I immediately come back with,

"Because there is snow time like the present!"

πŸ‘︎ 2k
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Mistafyed
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2015
🚨︎ report
Next year, I’ll expect my vision to improve drastically.

It’ll be 20/20.

πŸ‘︎ 14
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πŸ‘€︎ u/AlvaroBertoni
πŸ“…︎ Feb 01 2019
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A scaly creature is not acting the way you'd expect.

A reptile dysfunction

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ“…︎ Feb 27 2019
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When you order spicy chicken wings, you expect them to be spicy.

Yes, else they would be mildly disappointing.

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Slats-a-ah
πŸ“…︎ Jun 06 2019
🚨︎ report
What words would you expect to hear coming from the tit of a cow?

Udder nonsense.

πŸ‘︎ 2
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πŸ‘€︎ u/Krocsyldiphithic
πŸ“…︎ Jul 24 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife turned to me and said, all life is like hope. It's precious, a gift. It flourishes in the desert, in the snow, even in the Marianas Trench, 10,000 meters below the waves. Life and hope exist where we least expect it, yet it is so fragile it can be destroyed in a moment.

I said, "That's deep"

πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/VerySmallEel
πŸ“…︎ May 16 2019
🚨︎ report
If you expect me to force you to stay on top of a ladder you’ll always be disappointed

I’ll let you down every time

πŸ‘︎ 7
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πŸ‘€︎ u/survivalking4
πŸ“…︎ Oct 05 2018
🚨︎ report
There used to be a lot of nazis, now there are fuhrer, I bet you did nazi that coming, but what did jew expect?
πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/someone_help_pls
πŸ“…︎ Nov 08 2018
🚨︎ report
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.

It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.

πŸ‘︎ 17
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πŸ‘€︎ u/randomion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My father speaks mostly Spanish so would never expect to be able to contribute to this subreddit, but my dad finally dropped one in the car today with my mom:

(On the topic of going home after a doctor's appointment)

Mom: Wait for us outside the office or come inside with us because I don't feel well and I don't want to take the bus.

Dad: Well, then don't take the bus just get on it!

πŸ‘︎ 174
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πŸ“…︎ Jun 25 2014
🚨︎ report
I don't understand why people expect me to remember what fraternity or sorority they're in. It's all Greek to me
πŸ‘︎ 5
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πŸ‘€︎ u/halagabir
πŸ“…︎ Aug 10 2017
🚨︎ report
This Valentines Day, I expect to be inundated.

Sorry. I meant in. Undated.

πŸ‘︎ 6
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πŸ‘€︎ u/porichoygupto
πŸ“…︎ Feb 04 2018
🚨︎ report
What did the math teacher expect from his students?

Their undivided attention

πŸ‘︎ 3
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πŸ‘€︎ u/hutimuti
πŸ“…︎ Jun 28 2017
🚨︎ report
The Lion King is a deeper movie than you'd expect...

... watch closely, there's so much simbalism.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/ii_akinae_ii
πŸ“…︎ Sep 05 2014
🚨︎ report
I couldn't expect any less from my dad

So I'm getting a tattoo done of my dog's paw print and his name.

I messaged my dad telling him it's today and he replies back with.

"Paws to consider what you're about to do."

I audibly groaned

πŸ‘︎ 13
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πŸ‘€︎ u/lolsasha
πŸ“…︎ Nov 25 2014
🚨︎ report
Every fondue night in our house we can expect this gem.

When some people say Fon don't, I say fondue.

πŸ‘︎ 22
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πŸ‘€︎ u/mustachiou1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2013
🚨︎ report
I'm staying with my folks for about a month, so expect a few of these.

My sister had just come back from a tropical holiday and was returning a garment to my mom.

Sister: "Oh mom, I brought your sarong back."

Dad: "What's sarong with it?"

Knee slaps all around.

πŸ‘︎ 10
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πŸ‘€︎ u/BumblebeeMan
πŸ“…︎ Dec 12 2013
🚨︎ report

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