I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, “where do I drop it off?”
She says, “Go in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -“
“Don’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
I asked my friends what is Potassium and was expecting an answer
But she clearly didn’t understand the question because she only said “K.”
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking.
"No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
How do you fool an idiot into expecting something funny?
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.
He was named Justin Case.
What are you expecting in 2020?
When I die I‘m expecting lots of crying, lots of wailing, genuine sadness.
I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.
But it's just not cutting it.
I returned from vacation sporting a full face beard. My students all tell me I look like Thor. I admit I was expecting a more Loki response.
I guess you could say I never Thor it coming.
I saw that Dirty Jobs guy the other day, and I said hi, expecting a reply
Instead he gave me a microwave.
A man asked another man, “What’s the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?”
The other man didn’t answer because it was rhetorical.
I was expecting a tissue roll
I invited a friend over, but I wasn't expecting him to bring his morbidly obese girlfriend with him.
I was totally flabby guested.
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
I went to that circle of infant male pigs expecting to have a good time but...
It was a little boar ring.
If a mother is expecting a child that was conceived in the capital of the Czech Republic...
would she be Prague-nant?
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
My wife and I are expecting our first child. After she told me that she was pregnant...
I responded with “Hi, pregnant, I’m dad.”
I think I’m ready to be a father.
I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
Does anyone know if that's true? I keep looking it up but I can't find anything
It is driving me crazy!
The Hour Minute and Second hands on a clock all lined up for a race. Everyone was expecting the Second had to win because it was the fastest, but they were all surprised when the Minute hand won.
It came in Seconds place.
I went to a crater convention expecting to have a good time
It ended up being the pits
What do you call it when Nancy is expecting a baby?
Shared a link with my Dad, wasn't expecting this
My sister is expecting twins. My brother in law got her real good at dinner.
Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?"
Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"
... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...
Someone expecting a baby in 2018 is really living the “new year, new me” mantra.
Expecting my first in June. Working on my dad joke game...
My wife and I are driving on I-90 in Maine. We come to a toll and she says, "Can you believe that toll is $3???" To which I replied "It's highway robbery!"
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
I was expecting a photo of his grandkids.
(x-post from /r/funny)
The wife cooked game pie for dinner tonight. I wasn't expecting to like it but....
...I was pheasantly surprised!
My cousin, an expecting dad, found out his wife was going to have twins.
"Looks like our baby has an unexpected womb mate."
Went home and had to make sure my girlfriend wasn't expecting.
I was at work and an older gentleman came in with a Brookwood Golf windbreaker on.
"Oh, do you golf at brookwood?"
"And I've worked there for many years"
"You know I'm a scratch golfer!"
"Yeah, I swing my club and just scratch my head."
Groans from my entire crew, laughs from all the grandfathers.
Wife and I are expecting a child in January. Due date has already been bumped up once. Before next appointment with doctor...
Wife: I wonder if we'll still be just ahead
Me: Well, I'd hope by now we're at least also arms, legs, and a body
The best dad jokes come when you are least expecting them.
And, usually, in a public forum. Facebook dad jokes are the best/worst.
My dad and I were talking about the age of pregnancies between different generations..I wasn't expecting this one.
Dad: Do you know how old your grandmother was when she had me?
Me: 16 right?
Dad: She had your aunt at 16, had a miscarriage and then gave birth to me at 17. You could say that she was a..(small pause).. busy beaver.
Ensue lengthy, full hearted laugh from him. Eye roll from me.
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...