I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.
It really came out of the purple.
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︎ Feb 02 2021
I wasn't expecting that?
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︎ Nov 07 2020
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (weβre expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.
She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, βwhere do I drop it off?β
She says, βGo in the front door and thereβs a little desk that you -β
βDonβt you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?β
... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!
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︎ Nov 18 2020
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"
I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.
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︎ Aug 13 2020
I asked my friends what is Potassium and was expecting an answer
But she clearly didnβt understand the question because she only said βK.β
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︎ Jul 08 2020
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.
When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking.
"No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"
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︎ Dec 23 2019
How do you fool an idiot into expecting something funny?
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︎ Oct 03 2019
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.
He was named Justin Case.
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︎ Mar 18 2020
What are you expecting in 2020?
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︎ Dec 23 2019
I was nut expecting that
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︎ May 28 2019
When I die Iβm expecting lots of crying, lots of wailing, genuine sadness.
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︎ Sep 20 2019
I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.
But it's just not cutting it.
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︎ Mar 01 2017
I returned from vacation sporting a full face beard. My students all tell me I look like Thor. I admit I was expecting a more Loki response.
I guess you could say I never Thor it coming.
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︎ Apr 03 2019
I saw that Dirty Jobs guy the other day, and I said hi, expecting a reply
Instead he gave me a microwave.
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︎ Sep 04 2019
A man asked another man, βWhatβs the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?β
The other man didnβt answer because it was rhetorical.
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︎ Sep 01 2019
I was expecting a tissue roll
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︎ Mar 05 2019
I invited a friend over, but I wasn't expecting him to bring his morbidly obese girlfriend with him.
I was totally flabby guested.
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︎ Jan 27 2019
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
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︎ May 08 2019
I went to that circle of infant male pigs expecting to have a good time but...
It was a little boar ring.
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︎ Mar 30 2017
If a mother is expecting a child that was conceived in the capital of the Czech Republic...
would she be Prague-nant?
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︎ Nov 02 2018
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.
It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.
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︎ Jan 06 2019
My wife and I are expecting our first child. After she told me that she was pregnant...
I responded with βHi, pregnant, Iβm dad.β
I think Iβm ready to be a father.
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︎ May 24 2018
I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.
Does anyone know if that's true? I keep looking it up but I can't find anything
It is driving me crazy!
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︎ Mar 30 2018
The Hour Minute and Second hands on a clock all lined up for a race. Everyone was expecting the Second had to win because it was the fastest, but they were all surprised when the Minute hand won.
It came in Seconds place.
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︎ Dec 26 2018
I went to a crater convention expecting to have a good time
It ended up being the pits
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︎ Sep 10 2018
What do you call it when Nancy is expecting a baby?
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︎ Jul 27 2018
Shared a link with my Dad, wasn't expecting this
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︎ Sep 25 2013
My sister is expecting twins. My brother in law got her real good at dinner.
Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?"
Sister, "Oh?"
Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"
... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...
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︎ Oct 23 2014
Someone expecting a baby in 2018 is really living the βnew year, new meβ mantra.
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︎ Jan 02 2018
Expecting my first in June. Working on my dad joke game...
My wife and I are driving on I-90 in Maine. We come to a toll and she says, "Can you believe that toll is $3???" To which I replied "It's highway robbery!"
She groaned...
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︎ Dec 21 2015
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.
I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.
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︎ Jan 18 2017
I was expecting a photo of his grandkids.
https://i.imgur.com/42ZEKqJ.jpg
(x-post from /r/funny)
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︎ Sep 12 2015
The wife cooked game pie for dinner tonight. I wasn't expecting to like it but....
...I was pheasantly surprised!
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︎ May 24 2016
My cousin, an expecting dad, found out his wife was going to have twins.
"Looks like our baby has an unexpected womb mate."
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︎ Oct 02 2014
Went home and had to make sure my girlfriend wasn't expecting.
I was at work and an older gentleman came in with a Brookwood Golf windbreaker on.
"Oh, do you golf at brookwood?"
"And I've worked there for many years"
"You know I'm a scratch golfer!"
"Are you?"
"Yeah, I swing my club and just scratch my head."
Groans from my entire crew, laughs from all the grandfathers.
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︎ Jun 09 2014
Expecting Child
Wife and I are expecting a child in January. Due date has already been bumped up once. Before next appointment with doctor...
Wife: I wonder if we'll still be just ahead
Me: Well, I'd hope by now we're at least also arms, legs, and a body
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︎ Jul 22 2014
The best dad jokes come when you are least expecting them.
And, usually, in a public forum. Facebook dad jokes are the best/worst.
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︎ Mar 14 2014
My dad and I were talking about the age of pregnancies between different generations..I wasn't expecting this one.
Dad: Do you know how old your grandmother was when she had me?
Me: 16 right?
Dad: She had your aunt at 16, had a miscarriage and then gave birth to me at 17. You could say that she was a..(small pause).. busy beaver.
Ensue lengthy, full hearted laugh from him. Eye roll from me.
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︎ May 21 2014
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."
I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...
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︎ Sep 08 2018
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