I wasn't expecting to be diagnosed as colour blind.

It really came out of the purple.

πŸ‘︎ 7k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Feb 02 2021
🚨︎ report
I wasn't expecting that?
πŸ‘︎ 6k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Python119
πŸ“…︎ Nov 07 2020
🚨︎ report
So my wife is getting some medical tests done (we’re expecting our second child) and had to bring home a urine sample cup to fill up and bring back to the clinic the next day.

She asks me to bring it drop it off at the lab for her and I ask, β€œwhere do I drop it off?”

She says, β€œGo in the front door and there’s a little desk that you -β€œ

β€œDon’t you mean a LITTLE STOOL!?”

... I hope you guys enjoy that as much as I did. True story happened today!

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/gorhckmn
πŸ“…︎ Nov 18 2020
🚨︎ report
A friend set me up on a blind date. He said "She's a lovely girl, but there's something you should know. She's expecting a baby"

I felt like a right idiot sitting in a bar wearing nothing but a diaper.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/HellsJuggernaut
πŸ“…︎ Aug 13 2020
🚨︎ report
I asked my friends what is Potassium and was expecting an answer

But she clearly didn’t understand the question because she only said β€œK.”

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Roofy45
πŸ“…︎ Jul 08 2020
🚨︎ report
Mr and Mrs Wong were expecting their first child.

When the baby was born. Mr Wong was shocked to see it was white and not a bit Chinese looking. "No no no" he said "two wongs don't make a white"

πŸ‘︎ 86
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/RedDogBoyMark
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
How do you fool an idiot into expecting something funny?
πŸ‘︎ 322
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DBoayy
πŸ“…︎ Oct 03 2019
🚨︎ report
A couple expecting a baby girl made a long list of possible names for a girl child, but only one name in the event that they have a boy. They ended up having a boy.

He was named Justin Case.

πŸ‘︎ 11
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/kilokiilo
πŸ“…︎ Mar 18 2020
🚨︎ report
What are you expecting in 2020?

A lot of hindsight.

πŸ‘︎ 18
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ChristianGeek
πŸ“…︎ Dec 23 2019
🚨︎ report
I was nut expecting that
πŸ‘︎ 16
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/FinalCaveat
πŸ“…︎ May 28 2019
🚨︎ report
When I die Iβ€˜m expecting lots of crying, lots of wailing, genuine sadness.

Bereave you me.

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Sep 20 2019
🚨︎ report
I was expecting my new knife to work well with meats.

But it's just not cutting it.

πŸ‘︎ 1k
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/derivedintegral
πŸ“…︎ Mar 01 2017
🚨︎ report
I returned from vacation sporting a full face beard. My students all tell me I look like Thor. I admit I was expecting a more Loki response.

I guess you could say I never Thor it coming.

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/DiamondLlama
πŸ“…︎ Apr 03 2019
🚨︎ report
I saw that Dirty Jobs guy the other day, and I said hi, expecting a reply

Instead he gave me a microwave.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/tyco_brahe
πŸ“…︎ Sep 04 2019
🚨︎ report
A man asked another man, β€œWhat’s the term for when you ask a question without expecting an answer?”

The other man didn’t answer because it was rhetorical.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mcnicken1
πŸ“…︎ Sep 01 2019
🚨︎ report
I was expecting a tissue roll
πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/komAnt
πŸ“…︎ Mar 05 2019
🚨︎ report
I invited a friend over, but I wasn't expecting him to bring his morbidly obese girlfriend with him.

I was totally flabby guested.

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ Jan 27 2019
🚨︎ report
So I bought tickets to the new football game but my wife is expecting to give birth that evening is anyone interested in being at the birth?
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 08 2019
🚨︎ report
I went to that circle of infant male pigs expecting to have a good time but...

It was a little boar ring.

πŸ‘︎ 143
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Electrolightning
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2017
🚨︎ report
If a mother is expecting a child that was conceived in the capital of the Czech Republic...

would she be Prague-nant?

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/graafslaaf
πŸ“…︎ Nov 02 2018
🚨︎ report
I was going to receive a promotion at work soon so I bought the book "What to Expect When You're Expecting" to help me find out what to expect.

It turns out that the book was not what I expected at all.

πŸ‘︎ 15
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/randomion
πŸ“…︎ Jan 06 2019
🚨︎ report
My wife and I are expecting our first child. After she told me that she was pregnant...

I responded with β€œHi, pregnant, I’m dad.”

I think I’m ready to be a father.

πŸ‘︎ 30
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/XandeRToXic
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2018
🚨︎ report
I heard someone say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results.

Does anyone know if that's true? I keep looking it up but I can't find anything It is driving me crazy!

πŸ‘︎ 6
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/reddof
πŸ“…︎ Mar 30 2018
🚨︎ report
The Hour Minute and Second hands on a clock all lined up for a race. Everyone was expecting the Second had to win because it was the fastest, but they were all surprised when the Minute hand won.

It came in Seconds place.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/acherem13
πŸ“…︎ Dec 26 2018
🚨︎ report
I went to a crater convention expecting to have a good time

It ended up being the pits

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Supadude51
πŸ“…︎ Sep 10 2018
🚨︎ report
What do you call it when Nancy is expecting a baby?

Pregnancy...

πŸ‘︎ 5
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Just_a_Sloth_Here
πŸ“…︎ Jul 27 2018
🚨︎ report
Shared a link with my Dad, wasn't expecting this
πŸ‘︎ 367
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Jjglsn
πŸ“…︎ Sep 25 2013
🚨︎ report
My sister is expecting twins. My brother in law got her real good at dinner.

Brother in law, "you know our twins have already said their first words?" Sister, "Oh?" Brother in law: "Yeah... we're hungry, fetus!"

... I think there was even groaning in the uterus...

πŸ‘︎ 260
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ManChildMusician
πŸ“…︎ Oct 23 2014
🚨︎ report
Someone expecting a baby in 2018 is really living the β€œnew year, new me” mantra.
πŸ‘︎ 7
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/MarkovManiac
πŸ“…︎ Jan 02 2018
🚨︎ report
Expecting my first in June. Working on my dad joke game...

My wife and I are driving on I-90 in Maine. We come to a toll and she says, "Can you believe that toll is $3???" To which I replied "It's highway robbery!"

She groaned...

πŸ‘︎ 41
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ryinzana
πŸ“…︎ Dec 21 2015
🚨︎ report
My wife is expecting in March so in preparation, I have been working on my dad jokes. She was just thinking about whose features will be more dominant when our little one arrives. She then asked me whose genes were stronger.

I said "probably Lee or Levis." I laughed for about 5 minutes.

πŸ‘︎ 13
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/mmoffitt15
πŸ“…︎ Jan 18 2017
🚨︎ report
I was expecting a photo of his grandkids.

https://i.imgur.com/42ZEKqJ.jpg

(x-post from /r/funny)

πŸ‘︎ 33
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/cybersteel8
πŸ“…︎ Sep 12 2015
🚨︎ report
The wife cooked game pie for dinner tonight. I wasn't expecting to like it but....

...I was pheasantly surprised!

πŸ‘︎ 8
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/ThePeninsula
πŸ“…︎ May 24 2016
🚨︎ report
My cousin, an expecting dad, found out his wife was going to have twins.

"Looks like our baby has an unexpected womb mate."

πŸ‘︎ 35
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Boniferroni
πŸ“…︎ Oct 02 2014
🚨︎ report
Went home and had to make sure my girlfriend wasn't expecting.

I was at work and an older gentleman came in with a Brookwood Golf windbreaker on.

"Oh, do you golf at brookwood?" "And I've worked there for many years" "You know I'm a scratch golfer!" "Are you?" "Yeah, I swing my club and just scratch my head."

Groans from my entire crew, laughs from all the grandfathers.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Priestly_Disco
πŸ“…︎ Jun 09 2014
🚨︎ report
Expecting Child

Wife and I are expecting a child in January. Due date has already been bumped up once. Before next appointment with doctor...

Wife: I wonder if we'll still be just ahead

Me: Well, I'd hope by now we're at least also arms, legs, and a body

πŸ‘︎ 4
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/Senas006
πŸ“…︎ Jul 22 2014
🚨︎ report
The best dad jokes come when you are least expecting them.

And, usually, in a public forum. Facebook dad jokes are the best/worst.

πŸ‘︎ 3
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/jschwe
πŸ“…︎ Mar 14 2014
🚨︎ report
My dad and I were talking about the age of pregnancies between different generations..I wasn't expecting this one.

Dad: Do you know how old your grandmother was when she had me?

Me: 16 right?

Dad: She had your aunt at 16, had a miscarriage and then gave birth to me at 17. You could say that she was a..(small pause).. busy beaver.

Ensue lengthy, full hearted laugh from him. Eye roll from me.

πŸ‘︎ 2
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ“…︎ May 21 2014
🚨︎ report
My mate set me up on a blind date and he said, "I'd better warn you, she's expecting a baby."

I felt like such an idiot sitting in the bar wearing just a nappy...

πŸ‘︎ 160
πŸ’¬︎
πŸ‘€︎ u/hughdman
πŸ“…︎ Sep 08 2018
🚨︎ report

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.